WITCHIN' HOUR

MY GOOD ANGLE

2005-12-13T18:02:00.000+08:00

I have been having a lot of my pictures taken lately. I have collected more pictures of me in the course of 6 months than I have in most of my adult life. They were snapshots mostly taken with phone cameras in the most mundane poses imaginable. Me eating a bowl of bubur ayam, me sleeping soundly in a blue, hooded jacket, me driving while squinting my eyes from the harsh sunlight, me applying blush-on in front of a mirror, me smiling, me scowling, me laughing, me giving the person behind the lense a 'come to bed' look.

Then there are pictures of us together. Not the perfect couple you see in those perfume ads. But the one you see sitting in front of you at a restaurant while you are having lunch alone. Two people so noticeably engrossed on each other the world doesn't matter.

I was never too keen on having my pictures taken. I have always thought that I was not blessed with a photogenic quality. I often cringed at the sight of my own photographs, my flaws seemed to be glaring right back at me. Thighs looked huge. Do I always smile that way? It's horrible. Eww, greasy hair! Should've held my breath to stop that stomach from bulging.

Now I wonder if I lost some weight or If I have subconsciously changed the way I smile or I am using the right shampoo or that frequent trip to the gym that stopped 6 months ago still have a lasting effect on my abdomen. Or I am just seeing myself in a completely different light because the man taking the shots showed me how.

He couldn't seem to see the things I spent hours in front of the mirror obsessing about. He notices and adores the things about me that I am secretly proud of. He thinks those silly little things I do are cute and picture-worthy.

And you know what? I like me seen through his lense.

UMMM...HELLO?

2005-11-28T12:30:00.000+08:00

I suppose I should tell you where I've been all this time. That's what people do when they haven't been heard of for a long time, isn't it? I suppose I should let you know what's been keeping me so busy that I abandoned this blog for nearly 6 months.

I suppose I should tell you how many times I actually sit in front of the monitor, with this window open, trying to write something but unable to think of anything because my mind just went blank. And that I repeatedly had to give up, close the window and let out a big sigh.

I don't know if I should tell you that my life right now finally feels like it's on the right track. But being in the right track could also mean that I don't encounter that many bumps, I don't make sudden turns, I don't skid off the road uncontrollably, I don't lie helplessly on the sidewalks from exhaustion - I just walk. And maybe that's why I can't think of anything to write lately. Because walking straight is uninteresting. And even though the stuff I've been writing on this blog scream "Fool! Desperate! Neurotic!", they're quite interesting.

So I'm happy and uninteresting. And I have perhaps left the old me - who was sad, unloved and ironically, inspired.

So now I guess I'd have to wait until I figure out how to write happy stories in an interesting way to continue updating this blog. Or until the old side of me (who I'm pretty sure is still around somewhere) makes an unexpected appearance and amuse you all with her antidepressants-induced nonsense.

Whichever it might be, I am back. And hopefully to stay.

In Loving Memories of Umam.

2005-09-19T20:46:00.000+08:00

One by one, the lights go out.

"let go ipong, he's gone now. Say your goodbye and may he rest in peace"

You all have said your goodbyes, and letting go may be the simplest way to deal with bereavement, the short cut to appease our loss. So the sun will have a way in the morning, and breathing once again will be taken for granted. We live. We must make the most out of it, and we tell each other that and ourselves as we are reminded on how volatile life is.

I lost one of us today. And i lost more than i thought possible to lose. The grief was far from intense. Its closer to happy faces he always made in each of my memories. Pain never felt this smooth, this natural, this powerful. It aches without aching. And crying never felt this easy.

So i chugged down half bottle of wine on behalf of him, his loud laughter, and his jumpy dance moves. I raised my glass up and say "Here's to his life! To our life! To life!" And i imagined him cheer back and chugged down the drink in one gulp and put the glass down with smile only him can do. And im done griefing as we have celebrated life my friend. My good good friend. My dearest friend. We are done grieving cuz your life is furthest possible from grieve. Cuz your smile is the ONLY thing i can remember.

"Pong, ngapain sedih sedih di rumah sendirian, Ke pantai yok. Ga usah dipikirin yang susah susah"
"Pong ke party yuk, gue ada barang nih"
"Waaah selamat selamat pong, gue tau lo bakalan jadi orang sukses"

My farewell party, who jumped the highest? laughed the loudest, drank the most?
My lowest moment, who gave it the high?

Its not so much of letting you go, my friend. Its about every memories painted, too meaningful to depart. The immortality rescuing the lost. The central drive. Its the inside. The juice. The soul. The personal freedom. The person you are.

and dead, you are not, my dearest friend.

so here's to you, UMAM. Jack and coke. Chug it down in one gulp.

To life. To you.

in memories of Umam. He's partying over there with angels.

Queen Of All Excuses

2005-09-01T16:12:00.000+08:00

Thursday.

Tommorrow is national holiday. Im not sure whats it for, im just glad we have one day off.
I was very busy yesterday, time of the month doing the budget thing. Always hate to start it but engrossed once in it.
Jay YMed, trying to be cute and all while i just wanted to be left alone. And then he said the alakazam word that made my door open. Door for closetted annoyance. He mentioned love. and marriage. AND KIDS! Alakazam.

"you're freaking me out, dude!"
"haha. i know. It meant to be a joke"
(somehow i doubt it)
"well.. im not laughing"

The thing is, i would be flattered if this didnt come from 18 yrs old kid, aspiring marine, and thought Bush is greatest man alive. I would be flattered if i had slightest feelings for him. I dont. And actually all would still be kept in polite and sweet level if he hadnt brought up the thought of having 2 kids named Sara Joe and Rufus with me. Got married in military celebration complete with guns salutes, and me in a white dress...........Well.... the white dress i dont mind fantasizing about....also the marines style wedding celebration..... but.. 2 kids?? Sara Joe and Rufuss???? (well... sara joe and rufus aint a bad name tho....)
anyway, im off track here. The thing is, the kid is 18. Im over 30. That makes me a generation x elizabeth taylor - holding hands with shiny guy named chad. The thought of me growing up wrinkly and my shiny husband lovingly pulls out my wheelchair shudder me to the core. And how many times do i have to mention that i do not have feelings for this guy.

So what happened next was kind of brutal.

"how can you love me when you dont even know me?
you havent even met me
you're in love with your own illusion of me
me in your head
you dont know how i take my morning coffee
my morning breath
and how i see little things.
what is my favorite color.
what's my family like?
what kinda clothes i like to wear?
how bitchy am i? its different than what you see in the screen
you dont love me.
you're in love with the idea of me

and then he said:
do you think that your favorite color, or your sister, your clothes or how you make your coffee would really change my feelings for you? I love you. that simple. and i wanna be with you

and then i hit it home:
of course it wont, honey. cuz you dont know the real person you're in love with
i am only in your head.
thats why you're in love with me. Like i said.
you dont love me. you love the IDEA of me
and thats hard to beat.
wait till reality kicks you in the ass.
Find a girl who's there and your own age, kiddo.

Then long pause. I waited for the result of my kill

Finally he said:
"I have to go to bed. I talk to you tomorrow"

Im a bad woman. I tainted the a pure heart. Killed it. and this probably would tail him and tag his thought as misleading future reference. Or maybe it wont be that dramatic. But i still feel so bad about it. So the kid loves me. So he wants to marry me or at least fantasize about sleeping with me. So he wants 2 kids. So he wants to raise the family in north carolina, fondling his riffle while reminiscing about his military years. So he wants to have big wedding in mormon church, and he doesnt care whether i am agnostic or a runaway muslim. He simply wants to be with me.
And the thing is, who am i to interrupt his ideal notion of love. Who am i to contaminate him with my acidic view of love. What gives me right to feed him pain just cause i pained. Who am i playing Aphrodite, deciding who to love and not to love.

Who am i but a cold cold woman. (and im wondering why i dont have a friggin boyfriend)

I feel so damn bad now.

Love will tear us apart

2005-08-24T19:33:00.000+08:00

I knew i havent written anything real for a looong time for a reason. I knew something is better left hidden and destroyed. I knew that hitting the alphabets is an equivalent to reinventing memories to pain. I knew better to bring down the curtain. All together. Rinsing the past, refresh as stranger. I knew better not to think of you.

But.

It sneaks up. plaguing like a malaria. hot and cold in alternating breathe, and soaked in sweats mistaken as tears.

You cant help this thing. You dont know what other way to avoid it. You have different keys you threw away to preserve the lock. You have sutured the punctured hole, first line up for a transplant for a new emotions. You adopt other addiction (that is to reject bleeding potential carried by many of your names), shut off the evil, reinvent the angel, even confessing to a new faith. And talking to God.

(You've made me oh so creative, dear sir.)

yet you slumped in confusion. Every time. Once a year now. Like a celebration of independence day. And you dont know why.

You won't know until you accept this simple fact:
You see, in the end love will ultimately be the cause of death. Simply becuz of its ability to soar you up and smash you back down and shatter you with gravity of your own emotions. It will (trust me) repeat. And you WILL be left spending the rest of your life collecting the pieces. One. after the other. and praying for glue that would hold it back together.

Day after day. collecting dust. It will start. Then it will end. to begin. again.

till at one point, you're done realizing how broken you are. Like china plates. still pretty. yet impaired.

and then. gradually. you'll begin to accept.

and born anew.

(good luck)

INGENUITY

2005-06-28T19:11:00.000+08:00

This is equivalent to

Being hit by a truck and die instantly without feeling any pain

Just bright light and a sense of euphoria

Floating among clouds then straight to heaven

This is equivalent to

Listening to your voice in between the horns

Inside a dark car, your pretty eyes ablaze as bright as the lights on the street

Everytime she sneezes, I believe it's love you sang

And warm liquid was spilling over the brim inside of me

This is equivalent to

Feeling your fingers on my cheeks. No chance to anticipate

Just two gloves fit perfectly in two hands

Turned off my vision and turned on the other sense

A kiss sweeter than vanilla milk steamer

You are like two continents in a single enigmatic world

Separated by a sea of endless faces

Interconnected by an ocean of episodes

And I discovered your curse and your blessing on the same day

MD - 28th of June 2005

I UNDERSTAND NOW

2005-06-28T19:03:00.000+08:00

Is that a smile to cover?

The misery you have to endure all this time?

I didn't understand then, but I do now

Just one click from the tip of my finger

Revealed the raw and bitter content of your chest

And I'm sitting here crying

For another heart that breaks

For another soul tormented

For another night long and chilling

Pity is not in me

But I feel

For you

So much that I'm choking on my own tears..

Psoriasis - 28th of June 2005

AN ODE TO THE LIGHTS

2005-06-20T22:58:00.000+08:00

Rising high up from the ground
Feeling confined
Trapped in my own little mind
(The mind I call home)

The train has come again
Taking me without a friend
Up and down it goes
And from the peak it rose
I saw the figure of my ghost
(Hiding in the dark corners of the valley)

Note wizards, please sing my despair
Words are my only weapon and Im grasping for air
The lights outside the window fill my cellophane body
Radiating through my cavity and onto somebody else, somebody but me

Reaching is murder
Silence is mutilation

To reach is to freefall
To be silent is to evaporate

7,5 mg - 20th of June 2005

OUT OF BOREDOM

2005-06-18T02:12:00.000+08:00

SPRING OF HOPE

The long-anticipated hope came
Like the first day of the spring
Tips of the flowers emerge from the cold, cracked ground
Remnant of solid harshness is softened by thickening coat of green grass
I am standing in the middle, looking around
Observing with a detached curiosity
Wondering what will become of this land
A lush meadow or an unruly forest?

THE HEART THAT BATTLES

Maybe my heart is retaliating
Demanding to be heard, refusing further stifling
Maybe it wants to lead the way
Leading me to a clearer picture of destination than what my head has taken me so far
Or maybe
The conniving little thing is playing a trick on me
Into revising my strategy
Into thinking that my heart should be the one put on the front line
And just when an attack is launched, it will run up from cover and welcome the hit - head first
Maybe it's a suicide mission after all..

First day at work - June 15, 2005

THE FIRST DAY

2005-06-16T01:47:00.000+08:00

It was 2 AM. I was supposed to wake up at 6 AM to start working at the new job, yet my eyes were wide open and I was still online. 5 people sent me messages "Go to sleep already!!" and I answered "I can't!!". I was too excited and too anxious. I ended up sleeping at 4 AM. Because I was terrified I was going to wake up late, I had prepared 5 plans.

Plan A : My maid wakes me up at 6 AM

Plan B : Should Plain A fails, I wake up to the sound of my alarm at 6.05

Plan C : Should Plan A & B fail, I wake up to the sound of my second alarm at 6.10

Plan D : Should Plan A, B & C fail, I wake up to my friend's wake up call at 6.15

Plan E : Should Plan A, B, C & D fail, I wake up to my other friend's wake up call at 6.30

What happened ladies and gentlemen? All plans were successful! My maid woke me up on time, I immediately got up at the same time my 2 alarms went off. 15 minutes later someone called me to wake me up. Another 15 minutes, my other friend also called to wake me up. You can never be too prepared. Hehehe...

Because I have to wear all black at the new job, I put on a black cropped jacket and black trousers. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought "too black", so I grabbed my long string of pearl necklace and a pair of pink heels. Little did I know that the corporate look I went for today was not quite the right look they're looking for (more about this later)

So I got to the office 5 minutes early. Impressive for someone whose reputation for always being late is more permanent than the scar on her left knee. I met the HRD director and she took me to my new office after introducing me to the rest of the staff in the HRD dept. Upon walking into the new office and meeting my new co-workers, I realized that my chance of finding a boyfriend there is thinner than Paris Hilton's body. 99% of them are female! Afterwards I met Karissa, the training manager from M.A.C Malaysia and I commented about the female domination in the office and said, jokingly, that I might as well forget about the idea of finding a date.

"Honey, believe me...don't count on it" she said while blowing smoke from her deep berry lips. "The only guys you'll meet here are gay anyway" I laughed. Of course! She then added "If you wanna meet someone, you better make some real efforts and go out there"

Wuokay. Point taken.

After a quick smoke break, I met with the GM. From her I found out that I am the very first person hired by M.A.C Indonesia! I am making history here, people! Okay..I know it's not that bigga deal, but supposedly someone is making a quiz about M.A.C history and the question is "Who is M.A.C Indonesia's very first staff? No, not the first one to reach the counter, but the very first one who was hired and showed up to work!" Surely my name would come up, right? Right?

Anyway, people seemed to be really nice to me. I wasn't officially on the training program yet so there were a lot of sitting around and waiting to do. I tried logging on to the net but my computer is not connected to the network yet. I wanted to talk to someone but everyone seemed busy. So I just sat at my chair, sms'ed a friend and wrote a poetry. Two poetries actually. Weird, huh? Who would've thought boredom, hunger and sleepiness can evoke the poet in me?

My most favorite part of the day was when Karissa, the HRD director and I had dinner at a superb, beautifully decorated restaurant called "Dapur Baba" (review coming up!). I got to ask a looooot of questions about the job and the brand and her answers grew increasingly exciting by the minute. Looks like I'm going to have so much fun working here!

We were talking about clothes and suddenly she said to me "What you're wearing is so not M.A.C!" and I was like "Huh? What do you mean? It's black" She laughed and said "Yes, we have to wear all black, but we don't wear corporate clothes here, honey! You have to be as creative as possible about your wardrobes! Wear hats, mini skirt, fishnet stocking, boots, tube tops - any weird stuff you can think of. The weirder the better!"

I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

We then spent 2 hours talking about make-ups, promotional programs, films, make-ups, theaters, music, make-ups, PR, overseas training programs and more make-ups. All related to my new job.

Finally, mother ship is calling me home.

THE LAST DAY

2005-06-14T16:17:00.000+08:00

I came to the office and saw a "Staff Clearance" form on my desk, immediately I wanted to cry.

I'm finally leaving.

True, I hate this job but I've been doing it for almost 3 years, it's hard not to attach any sentiment in it. True, there are a few bad seeds in this company but most of them are still good apples to me.

I've written a goodbye e-mail to my co-workers, thanking them one by one for the memories I've shared with them....the e-mail looks like a bloody Oscar acceptance speech. But I had to do that, all of them (except those few aforementioned bad seeds) are really special to me. Some have become my closest friends, some have become like brothers and sisters to me, I even had a brief fling with one, hahaha.

Gone are the days when I can come to work at 11 am. Gone are the days when I could spend hours chatting and writing blogs during office hours. Gone are the days when I can wear jeans and a pair of trainers to work just because I feel like it. Gone are the days when I can sleep on the office couch and my boss would just laugh and take pictures of me sleeping. Gone are the business trips to Bali. Gone are the office chrismas parties, valentine's parties, buka puasa bersama and any other occasions we could come up with in order to make parties. Gone are the arguments over creative briefs, panicking over deadlines, sleepless nights when organizing events, crashing in hotel rooms with 7-8 people, presentations, clients' wraths, incompetent and reliable suppliers, impossible demands from clients, the feeling of immense satisfaction when a project is successfully done, the look on my beautiful-spirited, kind-hearted boss when I gave her the "thank you" gift (a beautiful silver brooch)..

I better stop now before I cry again...

I'm starting the new job tomorrow, yes I'm excited. But saying goodbye is still hard.

So tomorrow, I'm gonna be a full-fledged corporate whore, complete with black pantsuit, fully made-up face and high heels. Ick.

UP THAT WALL, NEVER

2005-06-13T01:55:00.000+08:00

You watched me, I knew you did, yet you didn't say a thing

Your timing is always off. Always not saying anything when you should. And say something when you shouldn't.

I thought that was it. Timing. I asked when, you said never. I thought someday, you repeated never. And then I consoled, thinking now is better than nothing, but your never kept choking me.

So I gave up. I joined in the chorus. Your song became our song. And I've now been singing it with a loud voice. Whether sincerely, I will never know.

If there was something I was yearning to tell you, it is something I will maybe never say. Don't ask what it is, darling, you don't want to hear it in the first place.

I wanted to hate you, but I can't. I spent hours thinking about what you'd done and what I will do in return, but I take one look at you and know that I will never be able to cause any pain.

It's startling. A new revelation. You said you were disappointed and my brain was saying "An eye for an eye" but my heart crumbled. You have won. Again.

I know I will never be able to climb that wall. Please don't make me.

Please.

A wedding at the park - June 12, 2005

SOMEBODY HURT YOU

2005-06-12T02:53:00.000+08:00

Dedicated to every burned soul out there who's afraid of catching a fire again...

Boy
Somebody hurt you
Boy
I wish I knew who
Could look
Into your sad eyes
And make
Such a sweet thing cry

You're lonely like only the broken can know
Aching for love but afraid to show
See how I miss you

Boy
Someone might hurt you
But it would never be me
I'd wrap you inside me
Be free or just hide for awhile

'Cause I'm lonely like only the broken can know
Aching for love but afraid to show
Lonely like only the broken can be
Breaking my own heart to make you see
See how I miss you

Please don't run away from the things that are real
And don't be afraid of whatever you feel
I'm feeling it too
I'm feeling it too

Boy
If you go looking
For things like in younger days
There won't be an answer
Only love can change your ways

Your lovely like only the broken can know
Aching for love but afraid to show
Lonely like only the broken can be
Breaking your own heart to make me see

See how I miss you
Boy, somebody hurt you
Boy, somebody hurt you
Boy, somebody hurt you
Boy, somebody hurt you
Boy, somebody hurt you
Boy, somebody hurt you
Boy

Music and Words by A Girl Called Eddy

LITTLE GIRL

2005-06-10T18:06:00.000+08:00

Little Girl

Take your rose-colored sunglasses off

The world might be grey most of the time, but you must keep those lovely eyes open

Little Girl

Keep your wings spread and prepare to take off

Let limitless sky, fluffy clouds and infinite view of the ground befriend you

Just remember to shoot your arrow and land on your little two feet

If you want to get close to the wondrous things you see from above

Little Girl

Behind my jaded smile and my sad eyes

There lies a wounded soul who's seen too many, heard too much, kissed too often

But betrayed promises do not keep me from walking and keeping

A bright, sparkling hope for you to find a kindred soul

Who doesn't only sweep you off your feet with his eloquent words

But who'll also put you to bed with his warm embrace

And a dim wish for me

To get just as lucky...

Inspired by a conversation on YM with Miss Marianne, June 8, 2005

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THOSE WORD DIARRHEAS I KNOW SHE LOVES ME (DEDICATED TO MY LOVELY SISTER)

2005-06-07T16:02:00.000+08:00

My earliest memory of my sister is when She and I celebrated our birthdays on the same day a loooooong time ago. I think I was 3 years old then and she was 7. At that time we were living in a small island in Kalimantan called Pulau Bunyu. Don't bother looking it up on the map, sometimes it's not even there. It's that small.

Anyway, now that I think about it, it's kinda weird that my parents threw one birthday celebration for my sister and me. I mean, she was born in June and I was born in July. There is a month-long gap there and.....ah you know what? It was a clever way to save money actually. Nevermind.

So on that afternoon, we had our friends come to the house. I think 95% of the guests who showed up were my sister's friends, which is understandable because I was 3..how many friends could a 3 year-old have anyway? My mom made each of us our own birthday cake. Hers was a clown-shaped cake and mine was a rabbit-shaped cake. They were the most beautiful birthday cakes I've ever seen even until now. There was a picture of that day. I'll have to look for it and post it here.

I have always looked up to my sister. Ever since she was a child, she's always been bright, full spirited and brave. Even my taste in music and books were influenced by hers back then. I listened to Duran Duran, Culture Club, Konkan, Erasure, Pet Shop Boys because of her. I read Tin Tin, Fantomette, Trio Detektif, Lima Sekawan, Malory Towers, Asterix & Obelix and God knows what else because of her.

She has always been surrounded by many friends. And to me, being 4 years younger than she is, her friends were always "cool". I know this must have been annoying as hell to her, but I wanted to befriend her friends as well. Whenever they came around to our house, I would sit on one of the chairs in our terrace and listened to their conversations. I didn't know more than half of what they were talking about but I was happy enough that she let me sit there.

When I was growing up and started to realize it was uncool to keep letting my mom choose my clothes, I frequently visited my sister's closet to see what new things she had. To me, she has a great sense of style and I wanted to wear whatever she wore. This lead to some big arguments of course, because I used to borrow her stuff without asking her permission. Did those fights stop me? No. I was like a little star-struck teenager who obsessively kept wanting to get my hands on my idol's wardrobes. Whenever my sister was bored with her old stuff, my mom made her give them to me and I was always happy to receive and wear them to school the next day. Kinda sad now to think about that, huh?

We had our moments, my sister and I. There were times when we couldn't be in the same room without shouting at each other. She's always been known as an outspoken, short-tempered, hot-headed first-born and I've always been her sensitive, reserved, rebellious little sister. She speaks her mind, I clam up and lock myself in my room for hours. She's a true Gemini and I'm a true Cancerian. For years, we couldn't understand each other. For years I lived my life thinking that there was noone in my family who could truly understand me.

Then something happened. I'm still not sure what it was but we reached out and finally learned that we were never that different to begin with. We put our judgments aside and began to understand that sisterhood is the most treasured thing any girl can ever ask for.

So we're best friends now. Instead of fighting over our differences, we now accept them as sparks that keep our lives interesting. Her constant bitchiness towards people and things that aren't "right" in her opinion Vs my "live and let live" philosophy, her penchant to correct people's grammars (no matter how annoying this can be sometimes, ask her husband) Vs my understanding for people's shortcomings and weaknesses, her slim, boyish figure Vs my womanly curvy body (ahem), her fascination for science Vs my love for poetries and fairy tales, her quirky, unfussy fashion style Vs my go-getter chic style (double ahem), her refusal to be stuck in an office doing 9 to 5 jobs Vs my constant need to always know that my paychecks would come every month, her motor mouth that incessantly spits out words faster than the speed of light that only a few selected people can understand Vs my graceful eloquence (hey, I'm a radio DJ!) - we have accepted all these differences and wouldn't want to change anything about each other.

I don't want to be my sister anymore but not because I think she doesn't have those enviable qualities or anything but simply because I have grown into my own person whom I'm very comfortable with. I am still proud of her as I was 25 years ago and still think she is the best sister I could ever hope for! And to top it all off, she's about to add a new member to our family and I couldn't be happier!

So happy birthday sis....I love you and please remember that as long as I'm single, I will keep going to Bandung and crash in on your couch and eat your food. I promise I will stop doing that when I'm rich and can afford to stay at The Malya Hotel all by myself! Until then, bear with me...

A CARD FROM WHOEVER

2005-06-02T20:02:00.000+08:00

I often read that one of Cancerians' most famous traits is they hold on to things dearly. This, I've proven to be true, especially after what I did last night.

So I'm currently re-organizing all of my legal documents into a neat file so I wouldn't have a hard time looking for them the next time I need them. Lesson learned. I've been going crazy for the past few days because I could not find some documents that my new job asked for. Anyway, I rummaged through my old stuff from high school and college years and found some very interesting stuff. Some notes I exchanged with my best friend in french class, some birthday cards from friends, tons of college notes, some class schedules and old pictures. But the most interesting discovery is this :

The card came in a cute pink envelope. On the front page, there's a cute bear holding a bouquet of red roses and a note that says "Thank You". You know, the typical Hallmark card. What's written inside, as you can see, is equally sweet. This guy is obviously understanding of my request to be left alone, not to mention giving - for he mentioned "a present". And also this guy seems like the kind of guy who's not afraid to express her feelings, which I took from the words "I miss you" and "Love always" scribbled above his signature to end this card on a very lovely note, which probably also means that he's not a commitment phobe.

Now what's wrong with the card you ask?

I don't remember who sent me this!!!!!

Yes it's true. I'm a horrible person. Believe me, I have spent hours wrecking my brain trying to remember who could possibly send me this card and more importantly, whatever happened to "the present" he mentioned. (Hehehe..kidding) But I just can't remember. There were 2 things in this card that might be used as clues. The first one is his signature. I stared it for hours....okay "hours" might be a bit of a stretch there but I stared at it for a long time and I stared hard. I tried to make some letters from the swirly signature that might be the guy's initials but it's just too freaking indistinct to be interpreted. I thought there was a "B" and a "G" and maybe a "U" in the end...but that doesn't solve my problems either. BGU? Bagus is the most likely guess, but I never dated anyone named Bagus.

The second clue is the date. Tuesday, August 11. But this sweet guy did not write the year. So again, this could be anybody. I found the card in between my college notes, so I suppose I can narrow down my search into guys I dated on my college years, 1996 - 1999. Still didn't help because nobody I dated at that time seem to fit my other assumptions and the signature.

And this wouldn't be so damn hard if I hadn't dated so many people!! Really people...I am not bragging...this is something that I'm actually embarrassed to admit. And I actually feel bad that I forget about someone who seems to be very sweet and had strong feelings for me. And I feel worse that because I don't remember who he is, I might as well say goodbye to the possibility of tracking him down and maybe try to rekindle our feelings (Hah, how desperate)

Well anyway, I don't know why I keep the card when I can't even remember who sent it. I guess that's just the Cancerian in me..and you bet your ass this sensitive and sentimental softie will hold on to it for as long as she could. I'm gonna give up on the guessing game and proclaim defeat though. Besides, with my luck on the love department, the guy is probably married right now or if he's not, he probably hates me. Or both.

GUNA GUNA ISTRI MUDA

2005-05-31T15:19:00.000+08:00

Hari Jumat kemaren gue dan beberapa orang temen gue memutuskan untuk menemui seorang paranormal.

Gue juga nggak percaya sama gitu-gituan sebenernya, tapi kita agak penasaran karena menurut sumber yang terpercaya, paranormal ini handal sekali. Dia asalnya dari Cirebon dan setiap 2 minggu ke Jakarta untuk menemui "pasien-pasiennya". Menurut sumber ini lagi, "pasien-pasiennya" ini ada sebagian yang merupakan model-model terkenal Indonesia. I would loooooove to name drop, but I've promised my friend I won't..padahal juicy sekali loh...hihihi..

Anyway, paranormal yang dipanggil "teteh" ini kalo ke Jakarta nginepnya di rumah boss gue yang juga temen deket gue. Jadi gue ke rumahnya dia bersama 5 orang temen gue hari Jumat malam.

Teteh ini memakai kartu kecil yang bentuknya mirip banget sama kartu remi. Dia nanya nama lengkap kita, mulai mengocok kartu dan kartu-kartu itu dibuka sebagian, dibaca, dikocok lagi, dibuka lagi sebagian, begitu terus sampe dia selesai. Nah, pada proses dia ngebuka kartu-kartu ini biasanya dia akan ngasih tau apa yang dia "liat". Ngeselinnya, si teteh ini sering banget mengeluarkan bunyi-bunyian yang membuat kita panik.

Giliran pertama adalah Ipong. Pas mulai ngebuka kartu, teteh ini berulang-ulang bilang "wahh..." atau "aduhh.." atau "tsk..." (mendecakkan lidah gitu)...dan Ipong mulai ngeliatin gue dengan muka pucat. I can't go into details, but let's just say that her reading on Ipong wasn't very encouraging.

Selesai diramal, Ipong terduduk dengan lemas di kursi sementara teteh dengan cerianya mulai mengocok kartu dan bilang "hayooo, siapa lagi nih sekarang?" Gue dan 4 orang temen gue pandang-pandangan dan keliatannya kita nggak ada yang semangat menduduki kursi panas itu. Akhirnya gue dengan gagah beraninya bilang "Saya deh teh".

Gue kasih nama lengkap gue dan mulailah teteh mengocok kartu. Eh, sebelum dia mulai ngebuka kartu-kartu itu tiba-tiba ada sekitar 3 kartu yang loncat dari tangannya dan jatuh ke meja. Kita semua menahan nafas. Teteh melihat 3 kartu itu dengan pandangan serius. Kita masih menahan nafas. Kemudian keluarlah suara yang paling gue takutin...

"Waduh..."

Gue langsung panik "Apa tuh teh? Apaan artinya?"

"Hmmmm..." teteh nggak menjawab sama sekali malahan naro 3 kartu itu kembali ke tangannya dan mulai mengocok lagi. Sial.

Setelah kira-kira 2 menit, baru teteh mulai membuka sebagian kartu-kartu itu. Kata-kata pertamanya adalah :

"Kamu belum keliatan sama sekali nih, fi, jodohnya"

Duar!! Gue agak kesel juga dengernya. Maksud gue, kok dia yakin banget gue mau nanya2 soal jodoh? Kalo gue ke sana mau nanya soal kerjaan gimana? (yeah right, who am I kidding? Hehehe)

"Umm..." gue jadi bingung gitu mau ngomong apa. Gue ngeliat ke sekeliling dan temen-temen gue mulai ngeliatin gue dengan pandangan prihatin.

"Iya nih, fi...nggak ada sama sekali loh. Kalo Ipong kan teteh masih bisa ngeliat tuh walaupun belum jelas kapan ketemunya, tapi kalo kamu nggak keliatan sama sekali nih" Ipong langsung keliatan lebih ceria dari sebelumnya, knowing that my fate is much worse than hers. Huh.

Tapi ternyata bukan itu kabar buruknya. Setelah mengocok kartu dan ngebukanya lagi, tentunya dengan diselingi dengan bunyi-bunyian menakutkan itu, teteh bilang gini ke gue "Kayaknya kamu dikerjain sama orang nih, fi"

"Hah? Maksudnya teh?"

"Iya, ada yang guna-guna kamu nih keliatannya" (Cue : Insert Twilight Zone theme song here)

Gue ngeliat ke sekeliling lagi, maksudnya ingin menyampaikan pesan "Is this woman crazy or what?" ke temen2 gue lewat pandangan mata gue, tapi kayaknya mereka malah sibuk mikir siapa yang kira2 bisa guna-guna gue.

Yah intinya, begitulah. Gue diguna-guna sama mantan pacar gue. Teteh ini nanya ke gue "Kamu dulu pacaran trus putusnya nggak baik-baik ya? Kamu nyakitin dia atau ngomong sesuatu yang nyakitin dia?" yang langsung gue jawab dengan sigap dan defensif "Iya, tapi dia yang nyakitin saya duluan!" Dan jawaban gue ditanggapi dengan gelengan kepala prihatin dari teteh. Damn, I just can't win with this woman. Gue langsung ngeliat ke arah Ipong untuk minta dukungan and ever the very reliable friend that she is, dia langsung bilang "Iya, teh, lakinya emang kurang ajar"

Again, teteh geleng-geleng kepala sambil ngocok kartu-kartu sialan itu. Damn Damn.

So for the next 20 minutes or so, that was all she said to me. Kamu diguna-guna. Kamu nggak bakal dapet jodoh sebelum guna-guna ini diilangin. Kamu tuh cantik, tapi laki-laki kalo ngeliat kamu ya biasa aja. "Istilahnya tuh kamu dibatuin, fi" pas gue tanya maksudnya? Dia bilang "Gini deh, kalo kita ngeliat patung gitu kan keliatannya bagus, cantik, dll, tapi kalo cuma batu doang gitu ya nggak ada apa2 kan..batu aja gitu. Nah itu kamu. BATU"

Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........

Satu2nya kabar yang menggembirakan adalah dia bilang bahwa gue akan ada peningkatan tanggung jawab di kantor dan juga peningkatan pendapatan. Tapi ya ini gue udah tau lah, secara gue emang dapet kerjaan baru gitu.

Dan 4 temen gue yang lain, 1 nggak mau diramal sama sekali, 1 cuma mau nanyain soal kerjaannya dan yang 1 lagi sama jeleknya ramalannya sama gue (cuma dia nggak kena guna-guna, hehehe). Yang bagus cuma satu temen gue, dia ini lagi pacaran sama cowok dan rencana mau nikah. Sebelum dia cerita ke teteh, dia udah dibilangin kalo dia jodohnya udah deket dan akan nikah akhir tahun ini atau awal tahun depan. We all hate her now.

So just like what I do when reading about my horoscopes, I took this one with a grain of salt. Gue emang dari dulu nggak pernah percaya sama guna-guna, cuma bete aja dengernya. I mean, I've been diagnosed with a lot of things before. Being too picky, too focused on my career, too hung up on my past, etc but never before ada yang bilang ke gue kalo gue single selama ini karena diguna-guna sama orang.

Pas kita pulang dan pamitan, teteh bilang ke gue "Kalo teteh ke Jakarta lagi kamu dateng ke sini ya, nanti teteh bacain dan kamu teteh mandiin"

Hahahaha....should I do this guys?

LOVE AND SEX

2005-05-26T19:54:00.000+08:00

There's love

The heart-wrenching, butterfly-in-your-stomach, elevating, passionate love. The one you plead temporary insanity for.

There's sex

The toe-curling, invigorating, intense, whirlwind sex. The one you plead temporary insanity for.

Sometimes there's love but there's no sex. Other times, there's sex but there's no love.

Sometimes sex can ignite love. Most of the time love can ignite sex.

Some people propose love hoping to get sex. Other people propose sex hoping to get love.

Love is intimacy between two hearts. Sex is intimacy between two bodies (sometimes three, ha!)

You should love yourself, they say. But did they ever say you should also go fuck yourself?

Love is sex. Not true.

Sex is love. Not true either

Love sex, sex love. Why am I rattling on about this?

Maybe because I don't get any :)

WANNA HEAR SOMETHING IRONIC?

2005-05-25T17:33:00.000+08:00

The company I'm working for (and leaving soon) was doing a project for Interpol. No, not the band...the International Police - Interpol. The project is done and they paid us a sum of 75 million rupiah in cash. My accounting staff picked up the money a few days ago and immediately went to the bank to store them.

Today, she received a call from the bank. They told her that from all those Rp. 100,000 notes she was storing to the bank, one was a counterfeit a.k.a duit palsu!!

Hahahahhaa.....

Endlessly

2005-05-23T20:06:00.000+08:00

Now who are you in compromised nights
Sweating doubts among walls of roses, single bed and cold shower.
You shake your head and asked for a repeat question.
You have one hand crossing fingers behind your back, when you start seeing philosophies in cold pizza, cheap meals, and bottles of aqua.
Clock is ticking faster, you fear your life has never really started. You put one down.
And you create another.

Noise in soundproofed room, you're doing conversation in illusion.
You worked up smiles and go for a walk. Staring at pieces on the street when you realized you're looking at the mirror.
This once confidence is collecting frowns in heated apprehension. It feels cold.
And you're sweating fears out of your eyes. Its another beating close to losing.
You hug yourself, saying
"another ugly day, but you held one down."

One foot touches the cold floor,
The other is looking for warmth.
It's the situation where oatmeal cookies, and cinnamon toast
are passing tears held up too long.
Too easy fix-ups, for a long way problems.

Its almost always your fault.

So you take solitude downtown, around non stop honking and trash talking. Long bike rides, swallowed pollution and aloof polished emotions. You figure there are many ways to go, and forget how to feel high.

You ask yourself when. But you close your eyes.
You wanna make it, but you’re falling...
way
way down.

WHY IT'S SO HARD TO FALL IN LOVE

2005-05-20T19:36:00.000+08:00

1. You don't even know if you believe in love or what the word means for that matter
2. You've been burned too much
3. You find someone but you have a constant nagging feeling that someone better would come along
4. You know now that the image of being in love depicted in Hollywood movies are far from accurate and those things will never happen to real people, including you, so why bother?
5. Because of no.4, you also learn that being in love is not what it's all hyped up to be and love is sadly overrated.
6. You just can't figure out what you want
7. When you do know what you want, you'll never get it anyway so you need to learn to be okay with what you have but again you can't rest peacefully knowing that somehow you are settling for less than what (you think) you deserve --- as quoted by my friend, Wayne. Thanks, dude.
8. Being in love is messy and uncool
9. The idea of staying together forever is outdated and it works for maybe about 5% of the world's population and sometimes you get lucky and meet that best friend you can sleep with and you know it's more fulfilling than any romantic love affair --- again from Wayne
10. You realize that the ones who stick around are your best friends (whom you love but we're not talking about that kind of love of course), not the ones who claimed to love you or the ones you claimed to love
11. Because Brand & Jen broke up. And if they don't get it right, what chance do the rest us have?
12. Because every kind of love, or at least my kind of love, must be an imaginary love to start with - Courtesy of Rufus Wainwright
13. You don't want to trust
14. You get older and much more comfortable with yourself. You hate to admit it but you know that you are your own best company
15. People tell you you must not be too picky. To which I respond - "If you cannot be picky about who you love and will maybe spend your life waking up next to, then what the hell can you be picky about?" - nicely said by another friend Shinsapabo
16. You get older and you're losing the ability to be swept off your feet faster than Mariah Carey losing her sanity. When someone looks into your eyes and tells you, in that fake i-mean-it tone, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on", you want to puke. You shudder at the sound of someone saying "aku cinta kamu".
17. You're bitter, battered and jaded. You think that love leads to heartbreak and heartbreak leads to a period where you swear you'll never fall in love again, and the more times you're in that kind of period, the stronger the conviction becomes.
18. You date a lot and you realize that there's always a "catch" with these people (he's married, he's a commitment phobe, he hates dogs, he has bad breath) and you know that if you want to have any kind of relationship at all, you have to learn to accept these flaws or you learn to accept the fact that you may be single for the rest of your life
19. People treat true love like a trophy and when you don't have it, you lose. You refuse to conform to this concept so you rebel by trying to show the world that you don't need love to be happy
20. You simply hasn't found the one person who can make you forget about all your cynicism towards love and you won't say the word until you find that person.

INSTANT PLEASURE

2005-05-19T14:41:00.000+08:00

I don't want somebody to love me
Just give me sex whenever I want it
'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure

You in the traffic for all eternity
How could that speed be where you want to be?
Said don't you really want instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure

Think that all these folks get laid?
Do it cause their pain is great?
What you thinkin' anyways?

If drinkin' coffee's your idea of really cool
You can't expect no crazy chick to notice you
Just sittin there dreamin' instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure

If you want someone a friend to be
Guess you'll have to win the lottery
But till then repeat after me

I don't want somebody to love me
Just give me sex whenever I want it
'Cause all I ask for is instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure
Instant pleasure, instant pleasure

I don't want somebody to love me
I don't want somebody to love me...

Words & Music by Rufus Wainwright

I HEART HUCKABEES - REVIEW

2005-05-18T15:58:00.000+08:00

Who are we? Why are we here? What is the purpose of life? These are the questions that almost everyone asks at some point in their lives. These are also the questions which the movie I Heart Huckabees derived from. But while other filmmakers usually fall into the introspective philosophical approach when dealing with such "heavy" subject, director David O. Russel (Three Kings, Flirting With Disaster) presented it in a lighthearted, somewhat loony and quirky comedy that resembles Charlie Kaufman's style (but funnier).

I Heart Huckabees is about 4 different individuals - an environmental activist, Albert (Jason Schwartzman), a fireman, Tommy (Mark Wahlberg), a hot-shot corporate executive, Brad (Jude Law) and a model, Dawn (Naomi Watts) - all of them employ new-age philosophies in attempt to bring meaning to their lives. The man and woman providing them these philosophis are "Existantial Detectives" Vivian and Bernard Jaffe (Lily Tomlin and Dustin Hoffman).

These soul-searching quests lead to some very funny series of incidents which include Vivian and Bernard rummaging through garbage cans, spying on their clienteles and Albert being put inside a huge zipped-up bag to get away from the distracting elements of the universe.

Don't expect to understand what the philosophy behind this movie, because I think most of them presented here are just Russel's satirical approach to today's new-age mambo jumbo. It is easier to just enjoy the movie without beating yourself up too much to "get" it. But do expect great performances from the actors such as those presented by Jason Schwartzman, whom after I saw 2 of his movies (the other one is 'Rushmore') I concluded that he has a more promising career in movies than in music. (Schwartzman is also the frontman of a California-based band 'Phantom Planet'). Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin makes a perfect match, while Mark Wahlberg proves that his acting is one aspect of his patchy showbiz career that we shouldn't overlook. Jude Law, whom I'm really starting to get sick of, surprisingly delivered a great portrayal of a character we love to hate, as a self-important, know-it-all corporate whore.

I think this is what's so pleasing about the movie. Every character is so well-developed with a consistent touch of absurdity. The plot, dialogues and characters are obviously a form of mockery of those pretentious, self-righteous individuals who believe their ways is "the way". Undoubtedly, I Heart Huckabees is an acquired taste, which explains why not many people have heard of this movie, let alone watched it. So if you prefer mainstream comedies and think 'Dude, Where's My Car' is a head-scratcher, skip this one and buy 'Freddy Got Fingered' instead.

Best Together With : A slice of fruit pie and a cup of hot tea. No reason, but think of it this way : there's a white blanket..you are standing there, the fruit pie over here and the tea cup on the other side. Now don't you think that you, fruit pie and the tea are interconnected?

YESTERDAY, 12TH OF MAY 2005..

2005-05-13T17:46:00.000+08:00

........was a historical day for me. I want to keep a written record of it chronologically..

9.30 AM Woke up late as usual..this time I was awaken by the constant ringing from my mobile. A client wanted to discuss about his upcoming project. Another wanted to know when the badges he ordered for an event will be delivered to him. I haven't had any coffee, dammit! Leave me alone!

10.45 AM On my way to work. I was lost in my own thoughts so much that I missed my turn. In jalan Pramuka, I should've turned left to go to Jatinegara but instead, I took the fly over heading to Menteng. It wasn't until I was on top of the fly over that I realized my mistake. I cursed myself while making a u-turn at the next traffic light. How many times have I driven to my office? A zillion times? How could I miss my turn? Maybe it was a sign that I no longer have to go there soon (heh, wishful thinking)

11.30 AM At the office, finding out that the badges that were supposed to be delivered this morning had not arrived at all. I tried my best to fix the problem while at the same time e-mailing my other client progress of his project. Deep down I knew I didn't care anymore...

12.15 PM On the road again to meet the HR Director of my dream job. Listening to Rufus Wainwright's "Grey Garden". I had a feeling of wanting to puke, wanting to cry, wanting to laugh and wanting to die at the same time. I have a love and hate relationship with anticipation..

12.30 PM Still on the road. Decided to release my anxiousness by singing outloud and banging my hands on the steering wheel. The Shins' "Kissing a Lipless" followed by Sondre Lerche's "Two Way Monologue". Got a weird stare from a guy in a red Honda Jazz next to me.

12.45 PM Fuck, I am so stupid! I went into the wrong building..again! The dream job office is located right next to a similar-looking building and I had mistakenly entered the other building parking lot a few days ago when I went there for an interview. I can't believe it happened again.

12.50 PM Finally there. I checked the name of the building twice this time before entering the parking lot just to be sure. Parked my car and finished putting on make-up.

1 PM I'm on time, hurraah! Went to the lobby only to find out that the HR Director was still on the way to the office and was going to be late.

1.20 PM In the dream job's meeting room. Reading Vogue magazine, February 2001.

1.30 PM Was reading about Academy Awards and vintage dresses when the HR Director walked in and apologized for being late. She was about 60 years old (I'm not kidding), very sharp and possibly the sweetest old lady I've ever met (after my grandma, of course). As she was sitting down, she asked me "You mind if I smoke?" When I said no, she lighted a Marlboro light and started puffing away. She smoked 3 cigarettes during the meeting.

2 PM The HR Director was talking but I could not bring myself to focus on what she said. I was in 7th heaven. The image of all those long-hours, evil bosses, demanding clients, measly salary, insults, arguments with co-workers, crying in the bathroom, success and failures in the course of those 7 years flashed before my eyes. Finally, I'm here. My dream job.

2.30 PM Forced myself to believe this was happening. I will be working for one of the hottest cosmetic brands in the world. This is real. This is fucking real. I felt like hugging someone but I was all alone in my car on the parking lot. That security guard looks awfully nice. Should I...?

2.31 PM Called Ipong. Called my mom. Sms'ed my sister. I HAD to tell someone. Ipong was excited "Let's celebrate tonight!" Damn right I'm gonna! My mom sounded like she was gonna cry. I love you mom. My sister said "Congrats! So when? When do I get free products I mean?"

2.40 PM Drove to Setiabudi Building to get some smoked salmon sandwich. It was raining and suddenly the streets of Jakarta looked pretty and friendly. As I drove my car to the parking lot, I waved cheerily to the guy in the parking booth. When seeing the confused look on his face I started giggling. What the hell did I do that for? He didn't know I just received one of the best news I've heard in my life! I must've looked like santa clause on prozac to him! Hahahahahahhahahahaha!

2.45 PM Hahahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahhaha!

3 PM On the road again, this time to Shangri-La Hotel for a meeting. Called my ex, who recommended me to his friend working as a head hunter, who later on submitted my application to dream job. "Babe, I'm in Thailand" he said "You are? Okay I'm hanging up now". He laughed. I said "Listen, I just want to thank you". He was silent for a moment before saying "It's the job, isn't it? You got it, didn't you?" I screamed "Yeeeeeeeeeeess, I got it!!"
"Awesome! Congratulations!"
"Thank you, hon, thank you thank you. Look, call me when you get back, k? I want to thank you personally"

3.15 PM Had meeting with a client and a supplier. Could hardly stand still.

3.30 PM Someone called to tell me that a secret project we were planning to do is going to happen soon. (I'd like to tell you what it is, but I'm gonna have to kill you all if I do and I know some of you don't even live in Jakarta so that's gonna be hard) This is the best day ever! It's a day like this that makes me feel like I'll never need a boyfriend ever! (No, God, no, I take it back, I didn't mean it!)

4.30 PM Driving back to office. My stupid crummy office that I'll leave in 1,5 months. Listening to Death Cab For Cutie's Transatlanticism album. It's a depressing album but I couldn't stop smiling as I sang along.

6 PM The badges were delivered but there were a few of them missing. The supplier could not be reached. How many times have I been in this position ever since I work in this company? Too many to count. This is the perfect time to quit because I am so fucking sick of having to deal with stupidity and ineptitude.

6.30 PM Talking to my boss about the dream job. She was heartbroken but she said "I can not you keep you, Affi. Even if I don't want to lose you I have to admit this is a great opportunity for you and you shouldn't miss it. Take the job, you're gonna do great. Don't worry about me". Her eyes were glassy and I wanted to hug her. She has been nothing but kind and supportive of me. I feel sorry for her that she has to stay in the company and deal with the never ending problems.

8.30 PM On the way to pick up Ipong at her office. The streets were surprisingly empty. It just stopped raining so everything was wet and glistening. Street lights were reflected on the black tar of the road like pools of champagne. I sms'ed a friend who wanted to join us for dinner.
"On my way to EX. Believe it or not, the streets are as empty as an old whore's room"
"I dig the old ones" he replied.

9 PM Having korean dinner with Ipong, friend will join us for drinks later. Talking about work, parents and guys with Ipong. I said to her "You know, after all those years of pursuing the right guy, with all the ups and downs, twists and turns, here we are...ending up with each other...again". Ipong let out a bitter laugh "Yeah, maybe we'll grow old together, Afs". I told her that right now, if I try to look at the future, say 10-15 years from now, and I'm still single but my friends are still around me (including her of course), it doesn't look that scary anymore. And I mean it this time. I'm finally comfortable with myself and I know now that happiness isn't about having the right guy in your arms, or having the perfect job (even though that'll surely help), or having a fantastic body...it's about being able to enjoy any moment as it comes. I am as contented being on my own on a Saturday night as I am spending it with a group of friends. I no longer have panic attacks whenever I think of the possibility of spending weekends alone. I am no longer depressed. I know now that good, bad or boring moments are what life's all about, A series of moment. One by one they will pass, one moment replacing another, always. And all I have to do is just go with the flow, no matter how cliché it may sound.
Ipong pondered for a moment and then said "Yeah, afs, but even when you're around friends you love, they will eventually die one by one"
Now THAT is a depressing thought.

10.30 PM We decided to check out Hard Rock Cafe. The place was buzzing with people from all over the city because it was the grand launch party. Ipong and I made a comment earlier that we looked like shit comparing to those beautiful girls and then I saw a famous designer and nudged Ipong saying "Shit, even that guy is more beautiful than us"

11 PM Left Hard Rock Cafe. It was suffocating to see so many people packed there like sardines. We were talking to some friends outside the cafe when we saw Boy George himself rushing into the venue with his full entourage including some camera-flashing reporters trailing behind him. Ipong and I looked at each other, aghast. People were forcing themselves to get into the ultra crowded cafe just to catch a glimpse of this legend and he just walked right past us. He was a bit overweight (okay a lot) and was wearing a bright-colored jacket, full make-up as usual, hair braided and spiked up and get this..was wearing a pair of jeweled shocking pink trainers. I could not believe I once played Karma Chamelon music video about 20 times a day. Oh come on..we were all a little bit obsessed with Culture Club at some point in our lives...

11.30 PM On the way to Cinabar. We saw Ipong's ex boss in HRC and were talking about our lives in Bali. We concluded that we did so many "first times" in Bali. Err...I better censor this part. Kids might be reading this..

Midnight At Cinabar, joined by my friend. A hotshot banker who lives out of town and was in Jakarta for business, whom I used to date and is now married, yet that didn't stop him from hitting on me. Had a toast for me and my dream job...

00.30 AM Drove Ipong home. The guy called and asked "Where are you?"
"Heading home" I said
"Umm..if you don't feel like going home yet, I'm in room 1515" he said boldly
I was tempted, to be honest with you. But I'm no home-wrecker.
"Nah, I'm going home"

1.30 AM At home watching American Idol result show. Relishing the blissful feeling of a perfect day. Thank you God. Received an sms from my ex. It said :

"I'm sitting in a local go go bar in pattaya strip, with Britney's Oops I Did It Again blasting at full volume mixed with local songs and some incomprehensible Chinese tunes that the crowd happily sing along to, and Animal Planet is on a giant screen, under the never ending neon lights of all colors, with all types of bules playing pool half-drunk, accompanied by all types of women. This is the sleaziest place I have ever been in my life. I'm adventurously savoring this moment - From Pattaya with love"

I replied

"Welcome to the real world, kiddo! It'll get sleazier as you go along!"

As I'm lying on my bed reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged (which I've been trying to finish for the past 2 months) I thought about what I said in that sms. Do I really believe the the world is gonna get slezier and sleazier in time? Is my future going to be bright with this dream job that I have waiting for me? Or will I end up hating it the way I hate my current job? The truth is, nobody knows. Even if I'm excited about what lies ahead of me, I still don't know what's gonna happen in the future. And you know what? That's okay. Because at least I'll get some free make-ups out of this.

AFFI'S GOT THE AGITA

2005-05-11T20:46:00.000+08:00

I want to write something substantial, something thought-provoking but I can't. I'm way too restless to gather my thoughts properly, so I'm just gonna ramble. Bear with me.

Last night hip hop class was cool. The instructor taught us some pretty difficult moves and Ipong had to resort to her infamous "ronggeng" steps, man I had such a good laugh. Finally I met Rio after hesitating to say hello for quite a bit despite the clear description he gave me about his attire. I am such a whuss when it comes to saying hi to new people so I got Ipong to do it for me. Hehe. *Waving to Rio* Hey, it was really nice to meet you! Sorry if I acted kinda weird last night, I do that when I meet new people. You gotta join us for our after-gym snacks sometimes...where we eat chicken wings and fool ourselves by saying "there are no carbs in these so they're not fattening", It's pretty fun!

Ipong can be such a clown. I was in the middle of telling her about my philosophy heatedly, and I was saying,
"You know, you gotta be able to depend on yourself to be happy because when you're happy.."
"Clap you hands?" Ipong said with an innocent look. She just kills me sometimes.

I've got the agita. Yes, I've been watching The Sopranos too much but those Italian-Americans have so many cool words and agita perfectly describes my situation. Another good word is goomar. Google it :)

I've been meeting a looooooot of fellow cancerians lately. One new chatmate, one blog acquaintance, one rude guy asking to add me on Friendster (what a disgrace), one long-lost friend from junior high (I never knew he was a cancerian) and surprise surprise, Rio turned out to be a crab guy too! *Waving to Rio again* I visited your Friendster profile earlier, hope you don't mind :)

I can't sit still today, I really really can't and I've only had one cup of coffee today. As I'm typing this, I'm constantly fidgeting, and I'm shaking my foot continously. The reason is mainly because I'm applying for this job...a dream job to be precise and I am waiting to hear the good/bad news (Please God let it be good news, please please please I promise I will do more good deeds). I have had two interviews so far. The first one was a success, the second was even better. I aced it. However, they've got other candidates for the same position and I have no idea how well they did on the interviews. Today, I received a call from the company saying that the HRD Director wants to see me tomorrow to discuss yesterday's interview. Is this a good sign? I really really can't wait *shaking foot furiously*

Does anybody know why Anthony Fedorov has not been voted off from American Idol until now? Enough already! When Simon said to Scott Savol that he had more escapes than Houdini, I wanted to scream "Nooo! Anthony does!" When Constantine left the show I almost cried. I'm not a fan really, I cringed whenever I saw him pouting and looking "intensely" to the camera, but hey..let's be honest here, the guy is entertaining to watch! Until now I can't comprehend why more people voted for Anthony than Constantine...is it that Clay Aiken-ish look? Is it his bulging biceps that seem to be getting bigger and bigger every week? The guy sang Celine Dion's song for crying out loud!! But of course, the real shocker moment for me was when Mario Vazquez decided to leave the show for personal reasons. Mario baby, you are still my idol *sniff*

I hope Bo Bice win, he deserves it. (note to self : stop watching crappy reality tv. You're not 15 anymore)

I.want.to.quit.this.job.so.bad.why.can't.i.fucking.do.it??????

UPDATE :
Anthony was out yesterday! I felt kind of sorry for the guy especially when I saw how sad Carrie looked, maybe he's a good kid...but heck, I'm still glad I don't have to see him in the finale! :)

THE BITCHES IN MY OFFICE BUILDING

2005-05-04T18:45:00.000+08:00

I can't stand rude people. I was at a job interview a few weeks ago and had to fill out some questions. One of the questions was "What do you hate the most?" and I answered without a doubt : "People with bad manners"

I know I should've answered the question with something like "I hate it when I am in an environment where I can't fully maximize my potential blablabla" but heck, I wanted to give them my honest answers.

So my office building has a canteen. The meal is paid by the management and the cost is not deducted from the staff's salary, so it's considered free. In my opinion, the food is good. Sometimes it can a little bit blah, but it probably happens 1 day in every 2 months. The catering service has a staff, a woman in her 30's, who serves us our lunches every single day. Everyday she does this sincerely, always with a smile on her face. My friends and I, we never once complain about the food, we always ask her politely and never forget to thank her. I can't imagine anyone feeling the need to be rude to this sweet, hard-working lady. Apparently, I was wrong.

There's this group of women who work in another company located in the same building. Let's just call them for who they are, the bitches. These bitches are the people you'd most likely see in any office building in Jakarta. They're in their 20's or 30's, not particularly good-looking, dress as if they just get out of bed, wear a permanent scowl on their faces, and they drag their feet when walking as if saying "I'm doing everybody in this office a favor. I should get paid more. Don't you dare demand more professionalism out of me". These bitches complain about the food in the canteen. A lot. At first, I didn't notice them, but yesterday, 2 of them caught my attention. My friends and I were sitting at the table closest to the food counter. We stopped eating when we heard these 2 bitches ordering the sweet lady around as if she was their personal maid. "I want more meat. Stop! That's enough! I don't want any veggies. Scrap them off of my plate! Why isn't the watermelon chilled? Where's my drink?" The last question almost made me throw my soup bowl at them. The empty glasses were placed neatly on top of the counter and the water dispenser was less than a meter away from it. And they have the audicity to order the lady to get them the water??? The 50 cms walk was too much for their lazy asses???

Maybe I should've thrown the damn bowl at those bitches, or at the very least, said something to them. Because what happened next made me realize that I should always do something when I see people mistreating other people the way they did. After lunch, I went back to my office, 5 minutes later, my friend called me and said that he saw the nice catering lady almost crying in the lobby. Apparently, these bitches thought that it wasn't enough for them to be extremely rude to her, they felt the need to "punish" her for sending a complain to the building management and demanded the catering service to be replaced!

I quickly told my boss what happened and we ran to the lobby. There, we found the nice catering lady almost in tears from anger and shame. She told us that she has been putting up with these bitches for too long. She said they often make hurtful comments about the food in front of her and act as if she is responsible for their dissatisfactions. When she noticed that my boss and I felt bad, she quickly said "Not you. You guys have always been polite and nice to me". She said the building management has decided to replace her catering service with another one, obviously succumbing to the outrageous demand made by those bitches (IDIOT!). What really broke our heart was when she said "I'm just a little person you know. I'm poor. But it doesn't give them the right to treat me this way. Don't they know that what they said hurts me? Don't they know that a simple 'thank you' makes me very happy?"

I hate those fucking bitches.

So my boss went to speak with the building management straight away. Turned out the management has already made the decision and refused to pull it back. My friends and I are plotting to send a serious complaint about this. And I promised myself that the next time I see these bitches talk down to anyone, I WILL say something to them.

Today at lunch, I saw them again. But they were already sitting and eating so I didn't get to catch them in the act. One of them turned and gave me a friendly smile. In return, I gave her a very cold stare. I hope my message came across. I don't know you and don't you fucking think you can be friendly to me when you can't even respect people who have been slaving their asses off to serve YOU your fucking lunch, bitch.

One of these days, I will give 'em a piece of my mind. Next time, it won't just be a stare. I will show them who's the real bitch in this office building.

Cue : Evil Laugh
MWAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA

GOOD OR BAD?

2005-05-01T02:29:00.000+08:00

There are a lot of things that I wish I didn't do

I wish I had thought twice about my decision to leave you 5 years ago. I wish I had given you a chance, I wish I had given us a chance. I wish I was not so foolishly blinded by a new rush of excitement. I wish that day, when I told you I was walking away, I had really looked into your eyes and thought about what you asked of me. I wish I had seen that at that time, you were bighearted enough to want to forgive me and brave enough to offer me a help of how to make our relationship better. You were so wonderful that it hurts me to think I've let you slip away.

Does that make me a bad person?

The horrible things that happened to me afterwards probably have nothing to do with me leaving you. But if you believe in karma then you could say I deserve it. I never denied that I made a despicable mistake and I took whatever price I had to pay unflinchingly. Knowing that you wouldn't speak to me ever again was something I learned to accept and understand. I never once let myself indulge in the thought that someday we would be friends.

Does that make me a good person?

What made you decide to forgive me and called me after 4 years was beyond my comprehension, it still is. It only convinced me of the fact that you are a person with a huge heart and it put more shame in me. You said you never regret what happened between us, you said if we were to do it all over again, you would do exactly what you did. What you said made me believe that maybe it was time for me to forgive myself. That people make mistakes and the question is how we assess those mistakes and what we do about it. So I forgave myself.

Does that make me a bad person?

If I was quiet when I listened to you saying you still have feelings for me but you're unsure of the repercussions and you'd rather not think about it now, it was because I thought I was not hearing you correctly. I am still getting over the shock that you could be nice to me after what I've done and now you're telling me that we could make something happen again? I suppose I can assume that you're doing this on purpose, maybe you have an ulterior motive to lift me up high and make me believe I could reach the clouds and float on them together with you, and then you'd let go of your hand so I would fall helplessly down and crash to the ground in a million little pieces. Maybe then you would look at me from up above and laugh at the similarity of my remaining ashes to yours 5 years ago. If that's what you intend to do, I guess I deserve it. But even the guiltiest part of me refuses to believe that you could be that cruel. You were there at my most fragile moment and you could have taken the advantage to give me a disparaging blow, but you didn't. When I opened up to you and told you the thing that belongs to the past and should have stayed in the past, the thing that shocked you to the very core and must have left you baffled and distressed, you refrained from calling me a stupid bitch and instead, you told me everything is going to be okay. Which one should I believe? That time has truly purified your soul or it has slowly blackened your heart making you able to conceive a vengeful plan to destroy me? Or maybe you have always been a beautiful person and that's exactly why I don't deserve you because I can't even accept the fact that you genuinely care about me, thinking that maybe what you're aiming is to make the scores even. But if that's the case, should I take the risk again? If I could trust my heart with you, could I trust your heart with me? I am more afraid to hurt you than of me getting hurt. Could I make myself believe that maybe in this fucked up world where everyone is screwing each other on a daily basis, we still deserve second chances? Should I feel guilty of having a twinkling hope that maybe this time you and I can make it work?

Does that make me a good or bad person?

This is such a sentimental bullshit...

EXERTAINMENT EXPERIMENT PART 2

2005-04-14T19:57:00.000+08:00

Okay...since I wrote the first installment, I guess I'm committed to write the second part..so here it goes :

HIP HOP
What's This?
What else could it be? This is more like a dance class than a fitness one actually, although there is no doubt that you'd work that ass off trying to do the steps.

The Instructor
A spanish guy named Tomas who is such a fabulous dancer! He has that cool, groovy dance style and unlike most of Indonesian male dancers, does not look feminine at all. This guy is a professional and although at first I thought he teaches us waay too fast, it's actually not that hard to get used to this method. My first impression of him was that this guy was a man of a few words, but later on I learned that it's because he couldn't speak english that well. Fine by me. I could just sit down and watch him dance for hours if they allow me to. No words necessary.

The Fat-busting Movement
If you've seen Wade Robson Project on TV, you'll get the idea. The instructor shows you dance move #1, you follow. The instructor shows you #2, you follow. Then you combine dance move #1 and dance move #2 and it goes on and on until you get an approximately 5 minute-long choreography, following the beat of the latest hip hop tracks. It's harder than it sounds, believe me. The first time I tried it, I was ready to give up after just 10 minutes because my coordination, or lack thereof, caused me to keep bumping into a guy beside me and he started to look seriously annoyed with this. But I resisted the urge to walk out, focused intently on the instructions and at the end of the class, I managed to do the whole choreography with minimum level of bumpiness! I've been going to the class regularly now because it is just so much fun and it doesn't feel like a work-out at all. After 5 classes or so, I realized that the choreography is getting easier and easier to follow and I could even bring in my own personal style to the steps. (Okay, when I wrote that last sentence, you must remember that I've always thought as myself as a great dancer. From other people's perspectives, my "personal style" would probably look like a 70-year old grandma doing a bad "Macarena" dance steps).

Sweat-O-Meter
Depends on how devoted you are in following the instructions. If you jump, spin or squat wholeheartedly everytime the instructor tells you to, you'd be out of breath within 5 minutes. I've seen some girls who merely lift their arms once in a while probably thinking it's cute to do so and during the break, they just pat their invisible sweat softly with a towel probably thinking "Oh my, I've worked so hard, I could probably make it to be Madonna's dance crew for her next world tour, just like whatshisname from Yogya". Think again, Missy. The spot is mine!

The Verdict
Love it! This is by far the best class I've ever been to and I'm sticking to it.

Who's It For
Whoever likes to dance and thinks they need a cool choreography to impress their friends with the next time they go clubbing! Hey, if I could do it, you can too!

Additional Note :
Ever since I joined this Hip Hop class, I managed to persuade 3 friends to come with me. The first one walked out after 15 minutes and said "Count me out of the class where there is a lot of skipping and hopping in it. I just ain't got no groove, sista!". The second one, who was a guy, was a bit skeptical at first. He finally agreed to go after repeatedly saying "I'm just gonna watch first and join in if I think I'll like it". After about half an hour, while I was struggling with some of the most difficult steps, I looked over to him and saw him following every single move effortlessly with a stupid wide grin on his face. I was aghast! I asked, rather angrily, "have you done this before?" He replied to my question with a nonchalant shrug. This reminded me of an episode of Friends where Monica asked Phoebe and Rachel to her tap dance class and was surprised to see that Rachel had no problem following the steps and Rachel said "What? I just clicked when they clicked!". Now I know how Monica felt. That fucker.

The third person I brought to the class was Ipong. Did I tell you that weird things keep happening to me and Ipong when we're together? Well, this time, upon entering the class, Ipong saw a guy whom she had a brief fling with that didn't end very well. This was Ipong's first time in the class, and apparently the guy's first time too because I've never seen him before - and they haven't met in 6 months, so why oh why did she have to see him in the one class I ever brought her to!! At first she had a hard time focusing on the class with the guy dancing a few meters away from her (apparently oblivious to Ipong's presence) but after I hissed to her "Get over him! Look at him! The guy can't dance!" she started to relax. Despite the unexpected twist of fate, she enjoyed the class very much and will go again with me tonight! I'm so excited, now Ipong and I can create our own dance routine and perform in front of an admiring crowd on the dance floor!

Now would somebody please slap me and force this idea from my head?

At 15:09 This Afternoon.

2005-04-13T17:32:00.000+08:00

i took a deep breath.
Turned out that sourcing a taxi to take me out of jakarta isnt that easy. I got off the phone, having this mental image of me becoming bruce lee high kickin and animal growling all over the place. The yellow pages book wide open infront of me and quickly i shoved it away from my sight, afraid the phone numbers there will give me the disease of its stupidity and classic irritating phone manners.

I shuddered thinking about it again. One phone call to the number listed there enough to remind me how i dont have enough patience in dealing with stupid people. Or more.. stupid but stubborn people.

here's some excerpt of the phone conversation and you tell me if im wrong
(conversation is translated loosely)

Me: good afternoon
The stupid phone lady: yea?
Me: Panorama travel?
TSPL : yea?
Me: Yea, im calling to inquire about the travel service?
TSPL: yea?
Me: umm..err... yes.. i see here in the yellow pages that you provide travel service to Cipanas (a tourism area just before bandung) or to Bandung?
TSPL: what do you mean service?
(mental image of bruce lee awaken)
Me: Well.. err.. service. service like ..err...travel service. Where you pick people up and drive them and drop them off at the address they tell you.
TSPL: Oh yes yes. of course. what kind of service you want?
Me: (pause)
(mental image of bruce lee putting on his kungfu shoes). I just told you. taxi service. Do you provide that service?
TSPL: oh yes yes. of course yes. We provide any kind of service. We provide the car, the driver and the guide. For the whole day or half day, one way or two way.
Me: No no no. I think you misunderstood me. I mean, taxi service. Where you call to be picked up and be driven to a destination, drop off and then you pay.
TSPL: (insisting tone of voice) Yes. i know what you mean. We have that. what do you want? A Car? a bus? A mini bus?
Me: a car would be just fine
TSPL: a car would be minimum 4 people.
Me: but im travelling in 1.
TSPL; Its ok. can be arranged. You need the driver?
Me: (pause. a steaming pause.) (seething) of course i need the driver. Im inquiring for taxi service. I dont want to rent a car. I need a taxi that can take me outside jakarta. Do you have that
TSPL: (Raising her voice in insisting manner) yes yes of course. we have everything. I told you that before, werent you paying attention?
(bruce lee is taking his stand, legs apart and arms infront of his chest.. wuoooooooo)
TSPL: like i said, yes we have travel service. Thats what you want to know right? How many people travelling?
Me; (words through my gritted teeth) one.
TSPL: you need a guide?
Me: no.
TSPL: where to go?
Me: cipanas
TSPL: how long? a day?
Me: can he just drop me off and then i pay him? like a taxi?
TSPL: oh yes yes can can. Minimum service is 14 hours.
Me: what do you mean?
TSPL: like i said, you need to rent the car, driver. minimum 14 hours.
(bruce lee is letting out his dragon yell aiiaaaaa)
Me: (fuming) But I told you i dont want to rent a car!! I need a taxi that drives me to cipanas and then drop me off, and then scram the hell away.
TSPL: (high pitched voice) yes thats what i said. But you need to rent the car
Me: No! I dont need to rent a car. No car need to be rented if you have taxi service. You obviously dont.
TSPL: Hey, That car can be a taxi too you know.
(feeling like a train is inside me letting whistle out)
Me: You need to read your training book! you shouldnt be allowed to answer phones and you are wasting my pulsa!!
TSPL: hey you ask, i answer. We provide taxi sevice
Me: (now yelling) No you dont!!
TSPL: yes we do.
Me: you need to get doctor to check you. You are delusional.
(all the while bruce lee has backhandspringing and rolling all over the place. Kicking everything in sight. with me standing in the shadow, and yelling: yea kick her bruce, kick her good! kick her senseless since she aint got none!!)

Then I hung up the phone. Face red and out of breath. Obviously dealing with Stupid phone lady equal to one hour hip hop work out class. Except the only muscle worked is my throat from the restrained growling and yelling.

Stupid phone lady! What a waste of time. Now Im short of 25 thou of my phone, no taxi service, and bothered like fuck. I ought to send bruce lee there. WUUOOOOAAAIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! take that..yew bitch!

I'M GETTING OLD

2005-04-11T20:15:00.000+08:00

Friday night, I was chatting with a friend online. He was telling me about a rave party in Ancol and asked me if I was going. I told him "Naah...rave isn't really my thing anymore". He then said "Yeah, I know...considering my age, It shouldn't be my thing either". And then it hit me, wait a minute.... I'm 27! Rave parties can still be my thing!! So 2 hours later, I sms'ed my friends asking them to go to the party.

Saturday, I've got a confirmation from 1 friend, who said there were at least 3 of our friends who were also going, another friend, who said he was going with his work friends whom I've met on several occasions before and a "maybe" from Ipong. Great, I thought. So I had quite a few people to go with plus some back-up plans, in case one of them changed his/her mind.

Later that day, I got ready to see 'Ring 2' with my other friends and Ipong. I put on my black tank top, my new mini skirt, my long pearl necklace and a denim jacket in case it gets a bit chilly (sign of getting old No. 1). When I picked up Ipong she commented on my "wardrobe" and I said to her that I was gonna go to the rave party after the movie. She said "Okay, I'll pass. I'm too old for that" That made me think that maybe I wasn't that keen to go either. But I was stil determined to prove that I still had the energy to dance at a rave party until the sun rises.

Later that night, my friend sms'ed to tell me that she didn't feel well so she canceled. That left me with my other friend who was going with his workmates. He told me to just meet them in Plaza Senayan so we could go to Ancol together. Then a series of questions flooded my head. If I leave my car and go with them, that means I'd have to go home with them. What if the party turned out to be a bore and I had to wait for them to able to leave? But I didn't feel like driving all the way to Ancol either, imagine the hassle of having to park and walk to the venue. Ugh, the walk. Would there be any shuttle bus there? And I don't know my friend's friends that well - would I be able to find anything to talk to? Do they want to stay until the party's over or is it possible that they wanted to leave at a reasonable hour like 2 am? Because I'm getting a bit sleepy..

So I decided not to go. Before the movie, we went to Starbucks and I found myself ordering a decaf Latte because I didn't want to stay up too late. Who the hell was I kidding? I AM too old for rave parties!

I was home by 2 AM, laying on the couch, watching old episodes of Friends with a cup of hot tea and a few bars of Silver Queen chunky and thinking about the rave party and what I could be doing at that hour. I felt so old and pethatic. It wasn't the first time I decided not to go to a party because I had too much to consider. It seems like the most important thing to me now is comfort and I am always reluctant to do something if there's any chance I would end up feeling uncomfortable or bored. But it was a rave party, for crying out loud! It's not supposed to be comfortable! When did I turn from being a spontaneous party animal, who's always up for a chance to have a wild time to this sad, old grandma?

A few days ago, I was complaining to my ex, who is now my good friend, about me losing the ability to be spontaneous and fun. I was comparing my life to his, he was only a year older than me and he still seems to be having the time of his life, partying every weekend, hanging out with new people everytime. He said to me "Fuck that, fi, you can still be spontaneous...let's go to Singapore! Just for the heck of it!" I looked at him as if he was completely mad.

But I was thinking about his suggestion that night and decided to sms him before I went to bed.

"Hey, I've been thinking about what you said...you know what? Let's go to Singapore! Let's roam the city until our feet are too tired to walk! Let's go to every bar there and drink ourselves silly! Let's celebrate our youth while it lasts!"

After sending the message, I pondered for a while and a few moments later I sms'ed him again and said "But let's do all that sometimes in July. I'm awfully busy at work now and won't be able to take any leaves"

30 minutes after that he replied "Yeag! Let's fo that!"
Judging from the typos, he was probably drunk, holding two pretty and fun girls in each arm while dancing exuberantly to the thumping dance music.

*Sigh*

AVRIL LAVIGNE'S CONCERT IN JAKARTA

2005-04-06T14:51:00.000+08:00

First of all, let me get one thing straight. I am not a fan of Avril Lavigne's, I think her voice is annoying and her songwriting skill is mediocre though sadly, overrated. The only reason why I ended up in the Tennis Indoor Senayan last night was because Ipong had to go there as a part of her job, and asked me to come with her - guaranteeing that I didn't have to pay a single cent to get into the concert.

Having said that, I will try to be as objective as possible in writing this review.

The concert sucked.

Really. I could only stand 30 minutes of it. Any moment longer, and my ears would explode from having to bear so much excruciating noise that is Avril's vocal.

When we got to the concert venue, I was actually quite surprised to see it not packed. We got the tribune seats and some parts of it were deserted. The festival area was only half-filled. It's not that I think Avril deserved more crowd, I just expected more tie and skate shoes-wearing teenagers to show up. But nevertheless, some of them were standing in front of the stage, phone cams all ready to take some snaps of Avril and her band members. (From where I sit, I could see a sea of bright lights floating on the air which I assumed was phone cams)

Anyway, there's not much to say about the performance itself. The only good thing about it was that she has a solid band which helped covering her inconsistent voice in some of the "rock" numbers. But when stripped down to only her voice and an acoustic guitar, I realized that some of the Indonesian Idol finalists can sing better than she can. Her vocal was at its worst when she sang the subdued ballad "I'm With You", which was ironic because it was perhaps the only song of hers that my friend and I could stand. It was so horrific that I felt a sudden, irresistible urge to stand up and scream (in my best Randy Jackson impersonation) "Yo, dawg! What's going down, dawg?? It was very pitchy!! It was just a'ight for me, dawg!!!"

During the concert, I couldn't help thinking about other female singers who's not known for their phenomenal vocal skill yet no one can argue that they give the most mind blowing stage performance. Madonna's name came to mind. Even Britney's name came to mind. I've always wanted to see Madonna in concert simply because I want to see her rub her almost naked body against some hunky male dancers while singing "Justify My Love" and I would pay good money for that! I've seen Britney's concert on DVD and I have to admit that I was highly amused, if not entertained and that is much more I can say than seeing Avril Lavigne's concert last night. Oh sure, I didn't expect her to make a grand entrance by swinging around in a trapeze or something but she didn't even make an effort to communicate with her adoring fans. She was giving out this annoying "I'm too cool for this concert or anything else for that matter" attitude that made me wanna give a good smack on her head.

As if knowing that her performance was on the verge of being utterly dull, the Canadian singer tried to liven up the atmosphere by picking up the guitar or sing behind a piano as a showcase of her so-called "multi talents". Sadly, it did nothing for me and it sure didn't help concealing the fact that this girl needs more time on the vocal coaching.

So Ipong and I left the concert after 30 minutes. My ears were literally hurting and I was hungry. As we stepped down the stairs and agreeing to have Korean food (Beef Kalbi excites us more than the concert, hahah) we heard the intro of Blur's "Song 2". Apparently, as I read about it this morning in the paper, Miss Avril Lavigne tried to show off her yet other skill behind the drum on that song. Big Freakin' Deal.

I went home later that night after having a few glasses of wine with Ipong and I reached for my pocket for something and found the torn ticket. I just realized then that the free ticket my friend gave me cost the less fortunate public who actually had to pay for this "show" about 400 thousand rupiahs.. Wow. If I had been me, I would've been pissed as hell.

OFF TO BALI!

2005-03-27T01:03:00.000+08:00

I'm going to Bali tomorrow for a photo shoot that we're doing for a client. You may be wondering what the heck I'm still doing my job for while I'm supposed to be resigning...well...I asked myself the same question actually. But look, I've made up my mind, I am still resigning, but while I haven't found a new job and the company hasn't found anyone to replace me, I guess it's okay to stay for another month. The good thing is, I managed to make it appear like I'm doing the company a favor so my boss is constantly expressing her gratitude (sending me to Bali is perhaps one of the ways)...so everything is still working out great for moi! :)

I'll be staying for 5 days and probably won't be able to log on to the net since I will be on locations for most of the time. Not that I'm complaining...we will be shooting in fantastic locations like the beach, spa and poolside of a great resort. You can bet that I'll be bringing along my bikini all the time..wouldn't want to miss the chance to jump into the pool on those hot sunny days!

I'm also excited about this trip because I'll be working with one of Indonesia's top photographers, a famous Lux model (and she's such a sweet girl) and I've also managed to hire a great stylist who's also my friend, Novi! Isn't that convenient? And my other friend, who used to work with me in this company, upon hearing our plan to go to Bali, called the travel agent straight away and bought a ticket to join us there! Already this sounds like a fully-paid vacation to me!

Yes..yes...I'm still resigning. My job does have some great perks but I am still more eager to find my real passion...my "thing"...so I will say goodbye to these Bali trips and the hefty paycheck *sigh*

But hey...let's not cross the bridge till we get there, so till then, I'll make the most out of this trip and will have fun while it lasts...so I'll see you guys in 5 days...Take care!

Let It Bleed..

2005-03-23T19:56:00.000+08:00

Some days have more stories than the others, and it usually relates on how strongly sentimental i am feeling at that moment.

Today is one of those days.
It started off last night actually, where the feeling of wanting to talk to or be with someone was critically hammering my mind which sadly didnt quite meet the end. I tried to put a lid on it by picking up Mythe of sysyphus which was a wrong thing to do since it only led me to wondering mind and a dip into more deeper hollow.

The feeling was quite...how should i say..nasty. It swarmed in the middle of your gut, slowly expanding and skillfuly suck any joy that manages to stay. It works quite the same like that "about to rain" mood. white...off white..pale grey..thick grey.. and you are regressing accordingly. bleah.

The wanting to share half of your full minds and pour words to deserving people stayed through out the night, and they were quite painful, i must admit, especially when you find yourself fidgetingly scrolling down friend list in your cell and realize it is full with meaningless associates that offer no joy, let alone intelligent tennis game of communication i so long for last night.

Which, i think, brought me to this severely pensive more sentimental state i am in right now.

Its dangerous. I will never be able to get anything done. I will open every historical love affairs emails I've ever been involved in relentlessly, and will sit with longing stare glued to computer screen. Pathetic-ville indubitably is on its way. Just listen to this:

I deliberately put on Damien Rice "Blower's daughter" (as if the cold of my office is not enough to make me feel anymore gloomy) while reading one of the best love letter i've ever received in my entire life!!! The sad part of it is..how devoid and appropriately silly the whole thing is. The love affair is practically non-existant as it consisted mainly of words. No skin to be touched, lips to be kissed, person to make love to. It is only words. Pathetic isnt it? Yet i kept on going with this virtual love affair for nearly a year now. Believing that it actually does exist.. conveniently for times like this. Certainly everything goes out of the window, once real man enters. (which hasnt happen..yet...or maybe ever..).

It is quite sickening really everytime realization like this hits you senseless. (pun intended)

Anyway, im digressing. Im feeling sentimental, and deliberately and joyfully tickling this state of depression with mellow songs and romantic letters. Here, read this. Tell me it doesnt wobble your fuckin legs:

my love, you have consumed me for years, and so has the pain of this moment. the torture of our herald vagabonds, the innocent eyes of these reflection youth, mantras scrawled on the beaches like lines drawn in the sand and blown away. it will all be clear. send yourself further away, hold tighter the things you felt were empty and meaningless, when you see contradictions, check your premises. i am with you, my heart, and we will be beaten as one. 'forgive and then unending more would i do' i am violently moved inside with somber thoughts of your too real beauty. your life holds me in captivation. i want you here so viciously, to tear your clothes off and suck on your breast with such force, to drive the pain out of you with the intesity of passion, to kiss your fear away, to slide inside of you like confidence, and thrust your soul back into your heart. i feel no shame for what i desire from you, because i have earned it. when you realize you have earned the right to it too, to your emotions and thoughts, and hold your self accountable to nothing that is sacred to men, only to your own conscience, you will run to me, and we will meet halfway and make the oceans boil.
love,
p

see? what did i tell you.

Dammit. Im contemplating jumping off the window, now. Off with Damien rice and love letters. Its evil. EVIL!!

10,000 METER ABOVE GROUND

2005-03-18T19:40:00.000+08:00

It was dark except for the dim lights above my head. I stared at nothing, thought of nothing, felt nothing
Listening to Death Cab For Cutie's "Transatlantacism". The words echoed in my heart. Resonant.

The atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

I was cramped in a small space with other people. One tiny move and I could touch their skins. One tiny move and they can touch mine. Yet I felt distant and isolated. Someone beside me shifted and I moved away. I didn't want to be touched. Touching is understanding and I don't want to understand.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

Yeah that's it. I feel out of reach for so long I stopped knowing whether I meant to be this far or not. I tried to remember being held, tried to remember touching someone's face, tried to remember gazing into someone's eyes, tried to remember believing in words whispered in my ear. I remember. Not of how it felt, but how it was supposed to feel. Has it been that long?

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

This feeling. This yearning to be close with somebody...Is it real? Is it fated? Is it an illusion?

I looked out the window. Stared at nothing. Nothing to stare at. Blackness. Void. Is it the night or is it my heart?
10.000 meters above ground. Me and those other people, heading towards the same destination. I wonder if we had the same destination to reach in our minds.
I closed my eyes, trying to picture everyone floating in the air with me. The weights in our shoulders and our hearts lightened as we rose higher. Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone does not have a worry?

My thoughts were broken by the sudden jolt of the plane. We reached the ground. Everyone sit up straight and began to prepare for what came ahead. The perfect world I imagined was slowly fading as the murmurs grew louder. I was back on the ground. Back on the reality. But part of me stayed on that black sky. 10.000 meters above ground.

Surabaya-Jakarta, March 17th 2005

I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER

2005-03-16T18:47:00.000+08:00

Wow..emotional turnmoil.

Life has strange ways of constantly reminding you of its volatility. You might think that because you're young, you're invincible and that everybody you know will stay forever. And then BAM! something happens and you feel more vulnerable and helpless than ever.

A good friend of mine called yesterday to tell me that he's been diagnosed with a serious illness called Guillain-Barre Syndrome. I had never heard of such disease so my initial reaction was fear (It's weird how the unknown always brings fear and reproach). He can't move his arms and legs and was hospitalized for 9 days. Guillain-Barre Syndrome (known as GBS) is a rare disease which attacks your nervous system and causes weakness in the arms, legs, breathing and facial muscles and often paralyze people who suffer from it. Nobody knows what causes GBS so because of that, there is no effective treatment for this illness. My friend felt a rapid numbness spreading from his fingers, his arms and a few days later, his legs. He now has to use a wheelchair. His life changed from normal to total dependence to other people to do his basic needs in matter of days.

The good news is, because he went to the doctor immediately upon feeling the initial symptoms, he was able to be given proper medical treatment that prevented the paralysis from spreading. In most severe cases, the patients can suffer breathing problems that require them to rely on machine to keep them alive. The other good news is, the majority of people with this illness will eventually recover although there is no way of knowing how long they can return to their normal state. Some people take one month, some take three months, some take more than a year. Some patients even endure a prolonged recovery while in rare cases, some patients remain wheelchair-bound indefinitely (although I won't even entertain this possibility). My friend's condition is now stable and he has to undergo physiotherapy. For how long, nobody knows.

Before this happened, I didn't pray much but I am constantly doing it now. I am also trying to stay positive and help my friend to keep his spirit up. I believe this is one of the most important elements in the recovery process. My friend needs all the moral support he can get and I am giving it to him because there's not much else I can do at this point. I communicate with him daily and it's a relief to know that he is taking it very well. For the most part, he's able to stay calm, accepting and his sense of humor stays intact, even though it breaks my heart everytime he makes a joke about being in a wheelchair.

For those of you not familiar with GBS, please take time to read this website. It provides sufficient information about the disorder and if you need more, you can always google it. There are plenty of websites on the net dedicated to giving information about GBS and some provide online support group. You might save your life and/or your loved ones if you know enough about the indications to start seeking professional help needed. Remember, the sooner you get help, the less severe the effect of this illness will cause.

And last but not least, call your friends and family now and let them know you haven't forgotten about them no matter what their health status are. Let's do that before it's too late.

NIGHTMARE

2005-03-14T17:51:00.000+08:00

Okay, I know my love life sucks so much it makes Liz Hurley's seems like a fairy tale, but do I really have to be heartbroken in my dreams as well??

The dream started out in an apartment. I can't recall what and where this apartment was, but I remember that I lived in it. I must've been a newcomer because my neighbor threw a party at his/her apartment and I was introduced to people who also lived there. Immediately, there was a guy there that caught my eyes. He was taller than me, had cute small eyes, and a great smile. Anyway, I was introduced to other cute guys, but I kept on stealing glances towards this particular one.

So the party was swinging, everybody was having a good time, I chatted with a lot of interesting people and felt welcomed. When I was getting a drink (or some food, i can't remember...not important), this cute guy approached me and we started talking. I could feel that we connected and I felt even more attracted to him. All of a sudden, he said to me "You don't remember my name, do you?". I smiled sheepishly and admitted to him that his name did slip my mind and then I asked if he remembered mine. His answer was shockingly blunt. He said "No I don't and I don't really care. It's not like I'll ever consider having a relationship with you. I like you, but I'm more interested in spending a few wild Sundays with you, if you know what I mean".

Oh my God...Even in my dream I am not a relationship material...

He must've seen the stunned look on my face, because he then asked "I'm sorry...was that too rude for you?" I stammered and said "I...no..I mean....it's okay, no problem" and he asked "Are you sure?" and then I replied "Yeah" while looking away, trying to hide my disappointment.

Fast forward to the next day (I think). I spent the night with this guy, whose name I later learned was Barry. Yup, Barry. And no, I don't know any Barry. Anyway, I was hanging out in his apartment and found myself enjoying every minute I spent with him. He was nice but was acting very casual towards me. It was clear that he respected me but wanted nothing more than a fling. And I don't know why, but I felt devastated. I remember wanting this guy so much.

Anyway, we decided to go out and take a walk around the apartment building with some of his friends. This was when things began to get really weird. We were walking on a narrow street and we stopped because we saw there was a house on fire and there was already a firetruck parked in front of it. We stood and watched and strangely enough, there weren't any people outside telling us to stay away from the scene, so we figured that the fire was probably a small one.

We then saw that it wasn't the house that was on fire but the garden in front of it. There was a big tree and the firemen tried to extinguish the flame by (get this) shaking the tree furiously. We screamed in horror as we watched the leaves falling on our heads (while still on fire) and we started to run away. Too late, because a moment later, a flickering leaf fell on me and landed on my chest, inside my blouse! I was screaming "Get it off me!! Get it off me!!" (yeah, in english, in fact, the whole dream was in english) and the guys were frantically trying to rip my top while I jumped up and down from pain and horror. We then watched the leave falling slowly from the bottom of my blouse, blackened and still smoking.

I was furious at this point, so I marched into the front yard and demanded to speak with the supervisor. He was nowhere in sight so I spoke to the firemen and told them that I was gonna file a complaint to the fire department for executing such hazardous practice (while their main duty was to keep people from danger, those bastards). To my surprise, these people seemed to be unfazed by what happened to me, so I continued lashing out my anger to them when suddenly, I felt that my chest was hurting badly. I walked out of the front yard and took a peak at my chest and stopped midway because I saw something so horrifying I still shudder until now whenever I think about it...there was a hole on my right breast! The skin around the hole was badly burnt and blood was oozing out from the gash. I almost fainted. I looked up to see my friends, and Barry, staring at me in confusion and I yelled to them "Get me to the hospital! Now!!"

As the guys scrambled on to find a car and Barry was holding my hand to calm me, I remember thinking "I am sooo gonna sue the motherf****rs!!!"

And then I woke up.

So there you go. If anyone knows how to interpret dreams, go ahead and take a shot. A painful rejection and a hole on my right boob. Hmm....can't be good...

CONSTANTINE - REVIEW

2005-02-28T19:20:00.000+08:00

Some comic books should never make it to the silver screen.

After watching Spawn, Hellboy and Daredevil I came to this conclusion. Constantine is no exception. It was based on a DC comic "Hellblazer" written by Alan Moore a.k.a the dude who brought us The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and (God have mercy) Swamp Thing.

Not only that Hollywood hasn't come up with anything original these days, they don't even bother making decent adaptations. Throw a mega-star here, a great special effect there, compose some cool soundtracks on the way and they think they're all set.

Just like any comic-turned-movie, Constantine was about a cool hero on his quest to save the world. In this case, John Constantine (Keanu Reeves), a chain-smoker, wise-ass exorcist who literally has been through hell and back, tried to save the world from the impending threat of being ruled by the son of Lucifer, the devil himself.

In his quest, Constantine teamed up with the skeptical policewoman, Angela Dobson (Rachel Weisz), who also tried to solve the mysterious death of her twin sister.

What was wrong with the movie? First of all, it was too damn long! I'm not sure what the filmmaker intended with the duration of the film (121 minutes), but instead of wrapping it up before it hit the 2 hour mark, the story went on and on and on with no real substantial ending. I have no problems with long movies...as long as they stay consistenly good and interesting.

The special effect is expectedly good, however it does not make up for the blandness of Reeves' acting. The story is actually pretty interesting, but the writers sometimes try too hard to portray Constantine's absurd life with dialogues that come out as unnatural and often, tacky.

The tackiest moment of all : when Constantine was about to be sent to heaven, leaving Lucifer angry (for not being able to drag Constantine to hell as everyone expected) and he gave him "the finger". Man oh man.. *cringe*

I can see this as a good comic book, but not a movie. Anyway, I give up. I think I'll stop watching comic-based movies altogether...except another sequel of Spiderman (if any) of course.

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN AND I'LL GO TO HELL

2005-02-23T19:33:00.000+08:00

Short legs and short-lived
Sniffing around our doorstep you arrived

Your chubby face and sleepy eyes
Your owner is the office security guard to my surprise

Guarding the gate like a tiny elf
Everyday you keep me smiling to myself

Before the clock turns to six
We give you some snacks to satiate your fix

Oh Dollar, you were gone too soon
Just yesterday I still fed you with spoon

Deep in my grief
A startling thought came to me in brief

Could it be the day old spring rolls that I gave out
had made you sick and missed to see
the ill-timed car that was backing out
hitting your head, setting your soul free

Oh the horror, I now must live with the fact
That I might have committed a hideous act

Oh Dollar, I'm so sorry
I hope you can forgive me...

In memory of Dollar the puppy (possibly 2 months old)
Birth : unknown
Deceased : February 22, 2005

I DID IT!

2005-02-22T00:44:00.000+08:00

Oh boy.

I quit my job. After the whole pondering about finding my passion, I started to seriously consider leaving this boring job, which I've done lots of time without really deciding when I was gonna do it. But the moment finally came. Not only that I hated my job, I also had to put up with someone so despicable I decided not to write a long post explaining in details how I want to hurt him mentally and physically. No anger. I have to let it go, I've promised myself.

So I did it. I quit. And I have no idea what I'll be doing next month.

Not knowing is exciting. And scary at the same time. It's thrilling to realize that I can do anything at this point. Or I will end up with nothing.

Arghh...this is a totally glass half-empty, half-full kind of situation.

Anyway...I guess I won't know what I'll do till I do it. As insane as it may sound, I am actually very happy....

Rambling

2005-02-17T21:17:00.000+08:00

It's nice to see other's blogs. Its nice to see other people's misery, tears, stupid mistakes, realities. Its nice when its not your own. Its nice when you can live from the outside, like audience in the theatre, and clap when its good, cry when its sad, stand up and walk out when its over. Without any burden. without consequences. Nice to be that simple.

I wish..sometimes.. to not have my own reality. sometimes, i wish i could just hide behind reality of others. Let them take the blow while i duck and stoop to avoid the battering and later ask them, how does it feel?

Sometimes.. i find place that is strange, so i can be a stranger. Then i can create my own reality all over again when this one im living turns sour..or simply not interesting. The problem about looking at other people's life is that sometimes they look so damn good we find ourselves embarassed with our own life. Then we find ourselves saying why cant we be that person. We forgot that all life sucks. Ours, theirs, our dad's, our friends', our priest's, iman's, nun's, donald trump's, paris hilton's (tho i wont mind living their lifes).. nothing will ever be enough for anyone. Thats what so brilliant about that ONE who created us. He/she made us to be so damned insatiable, we chase perpetually. This what makes life (in macro scopic) looks so dynamic. And this what puts us in constant unhappiness. Because we search all the time, we chase, we get, then we chase again. Everything is cyclical. Everything actually has no end. Its born and reborn, until eventually he'll get tired and stop playing. Doomsday. Day when he decides to fuck it and lets play another game, he'll create something new..and aaalll will repeat.

So ultimately...there wont be any doomsday, or an end. Cuz when things end, other things start anew. A beautiful confusion aint it? an organized insanity.
And we all there.. right in the middle of it. phloeee.

Other people's live seems to be much more interesting than mine. Maybe because i grasp that mediocrity is irrelevant. Or maybe im just bored.

BUILDING A STAIRWAY TO PARADISE

2005-02-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

A red rose on the table
It wasn't for you to give
It wasn't for you to receive
But it was put there by the waiter
For you to pick up
For you to smell
For you to smile at

It's easy to remember being alone on this day
As it's easy to remember that you are surrounded by people with sparkly eyes and gleaming smiles

An old friend
An old lover
You sit down at dinner and hear him complain about things
And when it's your turn you realize that you have nothing to complain about

It's easy to remember not having enough
As it's easy to remember that you have plenty

Everywhere you go today
You just can't escape love songs
Like you can't escape yourself and all the things (you thought) you hate about yourself
But how long do you want to keep swimming against the stream?

It's easy to throw punches and kicks towards the life you're living
But it's easier to just close your eyes and let the current takes you wherever it pleases
Enjoy the ride....oh what a ride...

So you forget about cheesy valentine's songs
Instead you put on an old tune and sing along
It's madness to be always sitting around in sadness
When you could be learning the steps of gladness
You'll be happy when you can do just six or seven

You sit in your car and you gaze around
The people
The buses and the trucks and the black smoke they're belching out
The slums, the dirty roads
The city

And you remember earlier conversations
About the other cities that take your breath away
With their parks and the bikes
And their bays and the boats
And the mere existence of sidewalks

But this city
Your city
It will never change for you
The only option is for you to change the way you look at it

Maybe you could turn sideways
Maybe you could squint your eyes
Maybe you do a little hop when you walk
Or you can simply get out and never look back

It's easy to see the bad, flaw and wrong in everything
Just as it's easy to see that love can be found wherever you go

PS : I don't celebrate Valentine's day so I'm just gonna wish you all nothing but happiness for now and hereafter
Spread the love, people...

EXERTAINMENT EXPERIMENT

2005-02-05T02:46:00.000+08:00

I don't make new year's resolution. The reason behind is simply because I know I'll never be able to keep it. So why set myself up for a foreseeable disappointment, right?

But for sometimes now, ever since I gained 20 kgs and lost 10 of them, I've always wanted to be fitter and slimmer. To be more precise, I want Beyonce Knowles' ass and Jennifer Garner's stomach. So I gladly accepted my friend's offer to use her membership in a hype gym in a much hyper mall (I won't name names). This gym boasted the most complete and the most modern equipements in town. One of the other reasons that excited me is also because they have a wide variety of classes that I can join. And of course, it's free. At least until my friend asks for her member card back (and when that happens, I'll probably build enough muscles to fight her)

Now these classes, they range from the standard ones like aerobics and yoga to the ones I've never even heard of. Because I'm really bored and decided that I'm gonna try to do something different whenever the chance arises, I decided to try these classes, one by one and share the experience with you guys. Also, I found that you'll be able to enjoy your work out more and tend to stick to it if you try to have fun while doing it and don't think of it as "exercising". Think of it as "entertainment". Combine those two words and you get "Exertainment"! (Apparently, working out regularly can increase the level of your corniness)

Anyway here are the reports in details.

RPM
What's this?
A 60 minutes class where you hop on stationery bikes and work out together with an instructor telling you how fast you should paddle, how much pressure you should put and so on and so forth. (Anybody knows what RPM stands for?)

The Instructor
An Indonesian woman whose name was lost to me because I was busy strapping the stupid pedal belt thingy to my giant feet. She was nice-looking and seemed to be very sporty and laid back...until she pointed her finger at me and yelled (through her microphone) "Hey! Don't be lazy! Keep cycling!"

The Fat-busting Movement
The class consists of a series of very intense and very strenuous cycling with some dance music blaring from the stereo, possibly to get us pumped up. Before the class, as I was still very eager to start, the instructor warned us not to walk out before the excercise ends. I guess I should've known when she said that it meant I was going to get seriously battered. I hated every minute of it. I hated the stupid hard saddle that made my ass feel numb 5 minutes after I sat on it. I hated the way the instructor kept shouting and yelling through her microphone, telling us to "keep on going!" or "you can do it!! 5 more minutes!!" (tips : It's never over in 5 minutes). I hated the way other people in the class didn't seem to have a problem with her yelling and even hollered back at her with the "Woo hoo!" and "Give me more!!". Hate them. Halfway through the class, I was really close to giving up and wanted so bad to walk out, but I was concerned about the instructor's warning. I imagined that if I walked out, she would yell through her microphone "we've got a looooooseeeeer!" and the whole class would boo at me. Hey, this woman called me lazy before so it could happen. Not wanting to take chances, I stayed in the class and, despite the constant bickering from the instructor, I paddled lazily while my mind drifted to other things ("should I wash my hair after this?" "Boy, I'm starving"). It was quite enjoyable at this point, kinda like you were cycling in a park or something. I just wished they put on Kings of Convinience instead of house music.

Sweat Meter
Comparable to the Niagara Fall

The Verdict
Definitely not for me. If I want someone to call me lazy in front of 30 other people, I'd just come to a wedding with my dad and wait. And keeping my soft ass relatively unhurt in the process.

The Aftermath
1 day after the class : Couldn't walk couldn't climb stairs couldn't sit down comfortably couldn't stop hearing dance music and the "woo hoo" in my brain.

Who's It For
People high on sugar or caffeine (or both). People who never smoke in their entire lives. The Neo-nazis.

BODY PUMP

What's this?
This is a muscle toning class where you use barbells with variable weights while the instructors guide you through every move.

The Instructor
A gorgeous Spanish guy with lean and well-toned body to die for. My friend and I instantly stood up straight and frantically batted our eyelashes as he stepped into the class. When the class began, I got slightly suspicious as I saw the way he moved. Err...couldn't quite pinpoint what it is. Too much booty shaking for a barbell-lifting class maybe? My suspicion was confirmed when the second song was on..."It's raining men! Hallelujah!!" and he started singing along with a huge grin on his face. I turned around to look at my friend and lifted an eyebrow and my friend said "Yup, He's gay". A moment later, adding to the confirmation factor (not that I needed any), he put on Christina Aguillera's "Dirty" and began to shake his ass in the most uninhibited fashion. I quickly looked around for anyone in the class to exchange knowing smiles with, but none of them seemed to be particularly unfazed by this...this.... striking demonstration of one's bedroom skill. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against gay people. If the instructor was a woman, I'd still find it amusing. I'm just saying that the moves were incredibly hard to ignore.

The Fat-Busting Movement
Actually, there weren't as many fat-busting movements in this class compared to RPM. As I said before, this class is for toning and defining the muscles. So the routines consist of a few reps of work out for your upper body, lower body, abs and buttocks. Tips : choose the lightest weights if you're a beginner. When you start working out your lower body, the instructor will ask you to increase the weights so you don't want to start up with the heavy ones (unless you're the guys on "Amazing TV" who can lift up cars with your legs). The music of course kept pumping throughout the class. Seriously bad dance music and a few of the aforementioned "anthems".

Sweat Meter
On the scale of 1 to 10, I'll give it a 7. It wouldn't race your heart, but the weights will feel heavier and heavier during the class (for me anyway).

The Verdict
Despite my inconsolable disappointment of not being able to ask the instructor for some juices after class, I liked it! It was quite vigorous and I felt good afterwards. I even saw a hint of muscle in my biceps on the bathroom mirror but then again I was probably dizzy from missing dinner.

The Aftermath
Bad muscle sores. I haven't done any weight training for so long so for the next 4 days I couldn't even lift a pencil without a cringe.

Who's It For
Anyone who wants to define and tone their muscles and who'd like to combine their cardio work outs with weight training, because apparently, you'll burn more calories if you build some muscles.

Coming up....Hip Hop and Street Jam Class!!

STOP ME MAKING MOVIES OF MYSELF

2005-01-30T02:29:00.000+08:00

"Thought that maybe we'd fall in love over the phone
Thought that maybe I'd really love being alone
Everybody but Heaven knows how I was wrong"
Vicious World - Rufus Wainwright

Thought that I was gonna be depressed about this, but I surprised myself. A life isn't life when there isn't crossroad where you have to decide which way to go. And I came to yet another one, after encountering so many twists and turns in the past 2 years. My love life has been nothing less than tumultuous, even since I was in high school. I couldn't quite figure out why I can't seem to find a guy to have a steady relationship with like everybody else. It has always been either short and chaotic, or long and complicated, and both always ended up in painful heart breaks - for me or for the guys. I recently discovered something that might be the reason behind my failures in the love department. I wouldn't have been aware of this had I not have a good amount of time being single.

There's a pattern that I subconsciously keep making. Without realizing it, it keeps leading me to the same pathways, and eventually and unfortunately, this pattern always leaves me to the same place in the end. When it comes to matters of heart, I keep on making bad choices. I'm a level-headed person. Many people have told me that I've always been more mature beyond my age. There are very few occasions where I don't act calm and collected. Yet, my judgment in my own love life is often poorly made. I make reckless decisions, I don't listen to people and I often ignore my own instincts. It's not easy to admit this, but this is the only plausible explanation for what has happened all my life. Of course I didn't entirely rule out the possibilities that I've been involved with jerks - but who made the decision to go out with these jerks? Me. Who fooled herself into thinking that if you close your eyes and hold on tight, you can make even the worst relationship work? Me. Who took chances with these guys despite what people and instinct told her? Me and only me. I am not being hard on myself. This is just another reality that I have to learn to encompass and once I managed to be emotionally detached from this fact, I can see it as what it is. Another leaning process.

My relationship with Toshi was never intended to be long term. There are circumstances, that I am actually aware of from the start, that could prevent it from working smoothly. At first, I wanted to do exactly what I have been doing all this time. Ignore instincts. Abandon rationale. Screw other people. Go and go ahead. But I guess now I learned enough not to do that. I've suffered enough downfall from my own actions and I'm too afraid of the repercussions if I take another swing thoughtlessly. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but the voice inside me can not be ignored anymore. It wanted out, so I chose to get out.

I spent a few nights thinking about it. There was a faint grief reverberated inside of me at the thought of another "failure". There was a short moment of doubt, leading me to think that maybe I was wrong not to take a chance. Panic even set in momentarily when I realized that I will no longer refer to anyone as "my boyfriend". But now, as I'm sitting here in front of the computer on saturday night feeling peaceful and contented, I know that I've made the right decision. After all, right now, what sets me apart from being in a relationship and not being in one is a mere SMS asking me whether I've had my dinner. And my heart needs more convincing than that.

"And start giving me something
A love that is longer than a day
Start making my heart sing something that it doesn't want to say
I'm handing it over, I'm saying that you're the only one
Don't run for the border, turn that corner
Already you've run in movies of myself"
Movies of Myself - Rufus Wainwright

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT YOU GOTTA DO IT

2005-01-27T14:59:00.000+08:00

I've been having problems sleeping lately and it's because I've been feeling like there is something missing in my life. I didn't know what it was until very recently it dawned on me that what I've been missing in my life is passion.

Yes, I don't have any passion for anything right now.

I work in marketing and do I like it? No. The longer I do it, the more I learn about this business, the more I dislike it. I go through my day one by one with no emotions attached to whatever I do and it's slowly killing me. I manage to do my work by weakly hanging on to evey bit of will and effort I have left in me. Which is probably why I am not doing as well as I did when I first started working in this business.

The biggest problem is, if you ask me what I'd rather do, I don't have the faintest idea on how to answer the question. I used to have dreams, big dreams, and honestly, I don't know where they've gone. All I can tell you is that I want to do something that I am passionate about. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, feeling excited about the day that lies ahead of me. I can't even remember the last time I really looked forward to something. I look at myself in the mirror and I know that I can no longer see that glint in my eyes. I want to be able to find that glint back.

I had a conversation with an old friend last week and he told me that he doesn't really like his job despite the fact that he is doing damn well in it. He might be holding an important position in the company he works for but he said that he refused to let his job be his entire life because he's not passionate about it. But he also told me that he does something else. When he steps out of his business suit and hides his cell phones in his drawer, he goes to the beach and he sails. He loves it so much that he began to undergo a proper sailing training and became one of Indonesia's national atheletes for this sport. His hobby is now becoming his passion. His passion is now his thing.

That's what I don't have in my life right now. A thing.

Okay, so it might not be what I do for a living, but how do I find that thing? Sometimes I envy people who know their things at the such an early stage of their lives. Musicians, writers, sportsmen, painters, photographers, designers - these people, most of them anyway, must know right from the beginning that they have talents for something therefore all they have to do is pursue their things. I'm not saying that they don't work hard to be really good at what they do or to achieve some acclaims, but hey...I'm not afraid of hard work, but where the heck should I begin if I don't even know what I'm good at?

I love music. I want to say that I'm passionate about music but all I do is listen to it. I can say that I'm really good at listening to music but that's like saying I'm really good at brushing my teeth, which is useless except the fact that I have a set of really clean teeth and a damn good collection of songs in my iPod. I can't play any instrument. I can carry a tune but it is hardly enough to qualify for an audition in Indonesian Idol without me embarassing myself.

I can write. But I can never imagine anyone wanting to publish any of my writing. My writing skill is mediocre and I would be the first one to admit it. Yes, I read some of the stuff that has been published recently and I sneered and said "I can write better than this". But I also read some of the other stuff that has been published recently and I can honestly say that I will not be able to write that well even if my life depends on it. The only thing I write professionally is copy for company's brochures and ads but again, that is not something that I'm passionate about because that belongs to the same category as my job. Marketing. No thanks.

I love movies but building a career in the industry I know nothing about is an outlandish idea.

I used to be a radio DJ and people have said that I was quite good at it but in my heart I know that I still wouldn't be satisfied doing it unless I have full control of the program and the music that I can play in it. And I'm not that good of a DJ to make such demands.

The list can go on forever.

I love being around passionate people. I love talking to people who are good at what they do and most importantly, people who love what they do. But I can't help feeling overwhelmingly jealous of them for knowing what they want in life and being able to pursue it. As I grow older, I know of some things that are overrated like PDAs or "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" but I learned that passion is not one of them.

I hate to sound like a whiner, but this is something that I need to figure out soon. I am on the brink of going completely numb. Yes, I'm fine. My bare necessities are covered plus I can afford to indulge in some fun from time to time, but I can't quiet down the voice in my head that says that there gotta be more to life than this. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I haven't done a single thing that can make me look back when I'm 50 and say to myself "You had a good life, Affi". I'm at a crossroad right now and the options are pretty obvious. Path A : I keep doing what I do and will probably build a fairly good career as I am on the right track for it, ignoring my nagging yearn for adventure and thrill for the sake of security or Path B : Giving up everything now and chase after my passion because fine simply isn't good enough.

Lord Byront, a great poet, said and I quote "Passion is the element in which we live, without it, we hardly vegetate". That is the state I want most to avoid : vegetating. And If I choose Path A, I'm afraid that it's the same as buying a one way ticket to that state.

I heard that this experience, this soul searching, is quite common for people at my age. Is it really? Can anyone who's roughly at the same age as I am, or who've been my age for that matter, tell me how you solve this maddening problem? Is there anyone I can talk to or anything I can do to help me find my thing? Any suggestion would be very much welcome.

Oh, and for people who are going through the same thing : contact me. Let's form a secret society and call it the "Fellowship of the Passionless" or something like that. Who knows, it might turn out to be our "thing".

FETUS POSITION

2005-01-27T14:44:00.001+08:00

I miss my island. I miss it so much i want to cry.

Im in the city now. Wake up at 7 on the dot every single day, put on make up, get out of the house at exactly 8.45, get on the bike transport thing, go to the office and work my ass off. Every. Single. Day.

I like my job. really, I do. I am just not sure with the city. I think about my island in every motor ride in the morning, feeling distant and detach. It feels like a very long holiday in the city and that I'd go back eventually to the island after the holiday is over. And Im only at the beginning.

Im thinkin of the island now too. The people. The sun. The beach. The everything. I sat down today smoking at the fire exit (my office is non smoking facility) and texting my friends in Bali. There came a guy, my office colleague, sat on the stair and texting his friends. There we were, 2 people from the same office, sitting in silence, texting friends. How funny. How strange. So close yet so fuckin far away. I am in different space. From the outside looking in, observing the buzz, the phone rings, the click of computer keyboards, the forced smiles, the stolen gaze, the conversation that push me far out. I am in different area. I am not too keen to step into. Its all very strange. very foreign. I feel like wrapping myself in plastic. City people are just people. And Im nowhere but floating in between. I aint feeling it.

I miss my island. I miss it so much i want to cry.

A PRETTY SHITTY EXPERIENCE

2005-01-24T17:29:00.000+08:00

Ipong has moved back to Jakarta...so the witches are now together again!

Hurrah! *trumpets blowing, confetti popping*

Ahem..anyway....

It's good to know my best friend is here. Not that I don't have any other friends here, I have plenty, but when you're 27 years old, Indonesian and female, the chance of hanging out with people who are also single enough to roam the city with no purpose every weekend is getting slimmer and slimmer. And that's precisely what Ipong and I do best.

So to officially welcome her to the city and also to print the first mark of our perpetual hedonistic movement in the capital, we decided to go clubbing last Saturday night. We were pleased to find that we were joined by our newly-single friend, Vera. Having recently been out of a dead-end relationship, Vera was also eager to go out and have a good time. So there we were. 3 single, attractive, young women strutting our stuff in the streets of Jakarta (cue : Sex & the City theme song, minus the Jimmy Choos, and the strutting actually because we didn't walk, we used a car so technically there wasn't any strutting...oh crap, turn off the stupid song!)

We had to go to a friend's wedding so we were all dolled up and ready to party. The only question left was where? It's been a looong time since the last time I went clubbing in Jakarta and Ipong too has completely lost touch with the city's hottest spots. Vera was no help either. Being in a serious relationship for her means that no clubbing was allowed unless she went with her bf (which is why she broke up with him but that's an entirely different story). Another friend of ours, upon hearing our little discussion, suggested that we go to this bar in Kemang called Second Floor. Vera and Ipong seemed pleased with this suggestion so off we went.

The bar was located on (you guessed it) the second floor of a restaurant in Kemang. It was packed with young people. And by young, I mean very young. Try high school. Yup. That young. The bar was small and narrow, with a long bar on the left side and a couple of plush chairs on the right. It was pretty cool actually, kinda reminded me of that bar in an old TV series "Cheers". We couldn't observe the place for too long because when we got there, Ipong was dying to pee so she dragged me to the bathroom while Vera found us a place at the bar. This is where things got shitty. Literally.

When we reached the bathroom, which was located at the end of the room, we found 2 doors, both locked. The left one was the Gents' and the right one was for the Ladies. Ipong could hardly stand still, she really really really had to pee. The person occupying the Ladies room was certainly taking her time because 5 minutes after waiting impatiently, she hadn't come out. Ipong at this point was cursing incessantly while I was trying to calm her down by telling her to NOT think about running water...or any water for that matter. Needless to say, because she wasn't thinking about running water before, my advice got her into thinking about it which made her closer to exploding right there and then. We finally gave up on being polite and started knocking on the wooden door. The person still hadn't come out. A beefy guy, who we presumed was the security guard of the bar, came to find out what was happening, and helped us motivating this toilet-hogging jerk to come out by banging on the door with his giant fist. It was another 5 minutes before the person in the Ladies room came out. And whaddayaknow? The person was a guy! This guy, who looked about 15 years old, walked out sheepishly, not wanting to look us in the eye, and scurried off to join his friends. Ipong and I quickly stormed into the toilet and locked the door behind us. I was giggling and telling Ipong "you know, if a guy used the Ladies room and took his time in here, there's no doubt what he was doing all that time" when Ipong screamed in horror at what she found floating inside the toilet bowl.

Hahahahahhahhahhahaaa....yep....it was....Oh My God, I couldn't even say the word. Let's just say that, not only my assumption was correct about what the guy was doing there, he apparently had some trouble flushing it down and so the mystery of why he took ages to come out was solved. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk!!!

Anyway, we tried flushing the thing down albeit being completely grossed out by the whole scene, to no avail. The flush was broken. And remember people, Ipong really had to pee. So She did the unthinkable. What she did next probably scarred her for life and she has to live with it for the rest of her life until maybe one day she couldn't take the burden of carrying the ugly, filthy secret anymore and she has to call all of her children and granchildren to her death bed when she looks to each one of them with weary eyes and starts to speak in a shaken, trembling voice "I have something to tell you before it's too late...." and she finishes the story and shakes her head while tears rolling down her wrinkly face as her children and grandchildren gasped in horror.... (and yet, I am telling it in a website for millions people to read). Ipong peed anyway. Without flushing the thing down. And because I'm a brave soul and I wanted to be help my friend go through tough times (and I know Ipong would tell you anyway when she finds out I wrote this), I did it too.

It was gross. Gross gross gross. Gross. And I have no idea why weird stuff like this keeps happening to me and Ipong when we're together.

So after doing the dirty deed, we went out, feeling like we should take a shower, ordered our drinks and tried to forget about what we did in the bathroom. It was probably easier to do had the bar provided us with a good time, as our friend promised. But noooooooo, we had to endure 1 hour of bad songs, over-priced drinks, and more high school kids yakking and singing along to Chrisye's "Cinta" before we finally called it quits.

So much for painting the town red. We missed Bali.

NEW YEAR, NEW HOPES

2005-01-04T11:42:00.000+08:00

Lose weight. Better career. Bigger salary. An apartment. Holiday in Spain. More friends. Flatter tummy. A boyfriend. A pink skin for my iPod mini. More free time to watch Dvds. Quit smoking. Do more yoga. Eat less carb. Pretty earrings. Stilla lipglosses. A complete range of Victoria Secret's Vanilla Lace bath and body products. Smaller thighs. Rufus Wainwright's Want Two album. A pink Honda Jazz. The ability to write better. Being able to fly to Bali anytime I want to. Patch things up with my dad. A Guess bag.

Those things that I want, they're inconsequential compared to the losses that the victims of the tsunami are suffering. My heart goes out to them and I wish there's more I could do than donating a measly sum of money.

I guess after giving it a thought, I don't need anything more in my life right now. I have everything that I need and I want to learn to always be grateful for what I have. If I could just wish for one thing, that would be peace and love for everyone in this chaotic world.

No more wars. No more disasters. No more innocent lives wasted. No more violence. No more hunger. No more children being hurt.

Is it too much to ask?

CALLING MARTHA STEWART FOR HELP

2004-12-27T17:55:00.000+08:00

Today is Toshi's birthday.

On the third day I was in Bali I did something that made it appear like I'm a whizz in the kitchen. Toshi and his roommate, Igor, complained to me that they haven't eaten any real homecooking for a long time and I decided that I'd charm them by whipping up something real quick and real yummy after work one day. I made them chilli tuna fusili and it was a success! When they asked me about the recipe, I smiled mysteriously and told them that it was a secret.

Well if you wanna know, the secret is I just bought canned chilli tuna and mix them together with some boiled fusili pasta, but of course I couldn't tell them that. They thought I've got the whole package – sense of humor, intelligence, drive, inclination to party hard on weekends and a natural talent in homemaking! How could I ruin their fantasies by telling them that the exotic dish came from a can of tuna called Ayam Brand?

Anyway, last night, before the strike of midnight, as a surprise, I managed to decorate Toshi's room into a full-blown honeymoon suite. I cleared up all dirty clothes, CDs, books and shoved them under the desk, I carefully arranged scented candles all over the room, turned off the light, put his present on the bed (a really cool brown-colored Ocean Pacific leather wallet), set my mini iPod into a compilation of Maxwell's songs that I put into a "Seduce, Don't Lose!" playlist (If iPod is improving my love life I'll definitely write Steve Jobs a thank-you letter), opened up a bottle of red wine, slipped into a sheer, ultra-short Victoria Secret lingerie and called him into the room, saying that "I needed his help with something" as he was watching dvd with Igor on the next room.

Boy, did the efforts pay off...hehehehe....

Today, I asked him what he wants to do tonight as it's still his birthday and to my surprise, he declined my offer of a romantic dinner at his favorite restaurant and asked me to cook for him instead!

Arrrghhhh! I'm doomed! I can't cook him the stupid chilli tuna fusili again! Everyone knows that I'm more of a whuss in the kitchen than a whizz and I only have 2 hours to learn a simple yet elegant dish that'll impress the birthday boy..I am so bound to fail miserably!!

Help...

Update : He just called to say that Igor has invited a female friend for dinner! Aaaaarrrgghhhhh!

?

2004-12-21T13:35:00.000+08:00

What do you name a feeling of yearning to reach out but you find your hands firmly attached to your sides?

What do you do when mornings are as bleak as your blurred reflection on the bathroom mirror?

Which should you decide, to feel and be alive so you can get killed or to be indifferent so you can slowly kill yourself?

What do you say when you can't stay in a crowd for too long before you get asphyxiated but you can't stand being alone with your thoughts either? Where should you go?

What do you do when you're running out of means to escape with?

Is it true that people who don't know about their pasts won't know where they're going?

If you know about your past, but you're trying to forget it so you won't be going right back to it, where will you end up?

What do you call a place between today and tomorrow? And what do you take to sleep through it the way most people do?

What do you do when you feel your demons are slowly creeping up on you, when you know that it won't be too long before their cold claws start pressing up your stomach, your chest, your head? When diminished fingerprints will be brushed upon by fresh ones?

Who do you turn to when science fails you?

Is it time to go when human beings fail you?

Who should you blame when you fail yourself?

CLEAN SWEEPING

2004-12-13T11:38:00.000+08:00

I'm back in Bali.

I'm gonna stay for a long time, hopefully till New Year's Eve because there's a project that I have to handle and I want to spend the end of this rather sucky year 2004 in the place I've come to love for almost 4 years.

So I was offered to stay at this guy's house. He's the guy whom I'm kinda dating right now. Let's just call him Toshi. He just moved in to this house with his friend, who's also a single guy. When I said yes to his offer he said "But please don't expect the house to be all tidy and stuff, we just moved in so it's still a big mess"

"Do you guys sleep on the floor?" I asked.
"Of course not!" He retorted.
"Okay" I said "So it can't be that bad"

When I entered the house for the first time, I knew right away that I made a judgement way too soon. It was indeed a bachelor pad minus the barcalounger and the big TV. The living room consisted of 2 tables, 1 huge full-length mirror, a few suitcases and about a zillion pair of shoes casually arranged on a piece of old newspaper on the floor. Sports magazines and newspapers were scattered all over the place. The 2 tables were almost fully covered with books, empty plastic bags and God knows what else. I went into the first room inhabited by Toshi's roomate, Igor, to find a double bed and a table where they put the TV, dvd player, CDs, cigarettes and pretty much everything they own including clothes.

On to the bathroom (this is usually the first room I check out whenever I enter a new house or hotel). Oooh, there's a bath tub! Ever since I moved out of my parents' house I've always wanted a bathroom with a tub! But, hold on....what the.....there's a freakin' bottle of beer in the tub!!

"How can you guys live like this??"
"Well...uh...we don't have a fridge and we have to keep the beers cold somehow.."
"You don't have a fridge?????"

I went to the kitchen and not surprisingly, it was clean. It was like the kitchen had never been used. Well it hadn't. These guys didn't even have spoons and forks. As I put down my suitcase in the other room I made a mental note about the things that I had to do to make this place more livable. There's no way I was going to share a tub with a beer for 3 weeks.

So the next day, I began my cleaning frenzy. I started with the living room. Got rid of the plastic bags and other junks, arranged books and magazines on a neat pile on the table, swept the floor (Toshi claimed that he mopped it before I came and it looked pretty clean to me), spread a nice bamboo carpet on the floor. I got the boys to help me too completely ignoring their request to "chill".

There's a sink next to the door to Igor's room and the bowl was filled with magazines and books (really, you wouldn't think these guys read that much)
"Does this thing work?" I asked while removing the magazines from the bowl.
"No" Toshi and Igor said simultaneously
I turned the faucet and water was flowing madly. I turned to the guys and raised an eyebrow. They looked at each other and said
"The landlord told us it didn't work so we didn't even bother checking"

After I was done with the living room, it looked quite comfy, I was so proud of myself. Hehe. But I was on fire, so I didn't stop there. Without even asking whether they have cleaning supplies or not, I ran to the nearest supermarket to get some brushes, sponges, solvent, air freshener and other cleaning necessities that will make my mom proud. I also bought spoons, forks, ladles, pots and new glasses. I went back to the house and proceeded with the job. Rearranged furnitures. Cleaned windows. Washed rugs. Changed sheets. Hung curtains. I even scrubbed the bathroom floor and the bath tub. By the time I was finished, it was already 1 AM and I was exhausted beyond words. But I was also pleased. The house was sparkling clean and smelled nice. I'm going to work hard this week and predicted that I won't be home until past midnight everyday for 7-8 days straight so knowing that I would come home to rest in a comfortable space was a nice thought.

Of course I was forgetting a tiny teenie fact that I was staying with 2 guys.

I came home from work the next day to find beer bottles and cigarette butts everywhere. Apparently, they decided to celebrate "the new look" of their house by drinking and smoking while watching dvds, which was nothing extraordinary considering that's ALL they do everynight. I wanted to protest but didn't have the energy to do it, so I went to the bathroom for a hot bath (which Toshi had so sweetly made for me) and collapsed on the bed.

Good thing that this time the bathtub was spared.

THE FUNNY FACES OF JAKARTA

2004-12-07T19:21:00.000+08:00

I spend approximately 2 hours on the road daily, and this is just counting the drive from home to my office and back. Now compared to the brief 15-minute drive that I took in Bali this is awfully LONG, but strangely enough, I kinda enjoy it. And lately, my driving pleasure has been made even more interesting. No, I'm not talking about my new pink iPod mini, even though to be totally honest with you, I was tempted to write a different post to see how many times I can mention my new pink iPod mini in one paragraph. But I'll spare you guys that.

I was talking about the street vendors. The asongans. And not the ones selling candies or cigarettes, I'm particularly talking about the guys (and sometimes girls) who sell toys on the street. I can imagine that they must be a living nightmare to some parents. Not enough that they have to put up with their kids complaining all the way about the traffic jam, they also have to explain to their kids that sparrows don't really come in yellow, blue or pink colours and why those awful men can inflict such cruelty by smothering the poor birds with colourful paints. Heh Heh. Man, it must be dreadful to be parents in Jakarta. But anyway, apart from selling birds, I gotta admit that these guys are pretty creative. If you live in Jakarta, I'm sure you remember that a few months ago, the city streets were taken over by a bunch of male covered in gorilla masks (Can't really find pictures similar to the ones sold in the streets, but you get the idea). My first encounter with these masks were rather frightening. I was stuck in a traffic jam as usual, singing with my eyes closed (Yes, I know, not very safe, but it's proven to be a great stress-buster, try it!) when suddenly I heard a knock on my window. When I opened my eyes, there it was...a 170 cm man wearing jeans and t-shirt whose head completely covered in a black, ugly, hairy gorilla mask, waving cheerily (how is that possible?) at me. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!! Was my first reaction, naturally, considering it was already dark outside and considering the fact that this guy looked like a complete maniac. But after I got thru my initial shock, I couldn't help but giggling uncontrollably at this sight. Those masks are brilliant! Not that I would buy one though. But if I had a kid, it would be a totally different situation! Imagine the jovial laughter that would fill my beautiful home caused by the mask. ("Honey..psst..look daddy is working hard to meet his deadline and missed mom's birthday. Why don't you show him your new mask? Go on, he'll love it!) But anyway, me laughing at these amusing merchandises were sadly misinterpreted by the sellers as "interested to buy". So the more I laugh, the more they pressed the masks against my window, trying to get me to fork out some money...and this happened everytime I saw them.

Now, I don't see people selling gorilla masks as much anymore. But as Dave Matthews said "everything good needs replacing", so a few days ago, I was stopping at the red light in Kuningan and saw a guy wearing an incredibly stupid mask of a face with bulging eyes and black-rimmed glasses, huge nose and thick lips under a busy moustache. Okay, maybe the description sounds familiar. I think when I was a kid, they used to sell fake plastic eye-glasses that come with the nose and moustache attached. Remember? The face looks similar, only the stuff I saw on the street was a mask of the entire face. If that wasn't bizzare enough, there's a certain part in the mask that you can blow so that there are 2 pieces of long plastic thing rolling out of both ears. Oh I really wish I could show you a picture of it. Anyway, when I saw this for the first time, I laughed and I laughed and I laughed like crazy. The seller was more than enthusiastic. He stood right in front of my car and kept blowing the stupid plastic thingy out. I laughed and I laughed some more until the light turned green when I then drove off much to the seller's disappointment. I felt bad, but boy was it a good laugh. But this morning, I was determined not to encourage the poor guy by laughing. So when I approached the same red light, I put on my shades and looked straight ahead. From the corner of my eye, I could see that the same seller was already terrorizing other cars beside me with his ugly mask. I prayed silently that he wouldn't see me but oh no.....too late. He turned around and I knew he recognized me because he then approached me while blowing the plastic thingy frenziedly. I didn't move a muscle. Eyes fixed straight ahead. But this guy was not about to give up. He then moved to the driver side of my car, pressed his face against my window and blowed the thing even more rapidly than before, while doing a series of body movement that he probably considered as dancing. Right then I gave up. I looked to my side and oh my.....it must have been a strange scene for other people to watch. A girl laughing alone in her car, and the street vendor dancing maniacally in front of her window. I have no idea why he did this, knowing well that I have no intention of buying his goods. Maybe he got a kick out of making me laugh. I hope he did because I sure got a kick out of watching him. It might be a juvenile laugh, but I had fun. Who says driving in Jakarta sucks? :)

STILL IN HONEYMOON PERIOD

2004-12-03T01:51:00.000+08:00

My Pink iPod Mini Stats (I named it Cacing by the way. Don't ask)

Number songs in playlist : 374
Memory used : 1,05 GB
Memory left : 2,95 GB (woo hoo!)

Recently downloaded :
Elliott Smith - XO Album
Excellent! Elliott Smith was an American indie artist who did the soundtrack for Good Will Hunting. He committed suicide by stabbing himself in the heart last year. Read about his brilliant work and tragic life here

Pinback - Blue Screen Life Album
Thanks to Emil. These guys rock, mil. Seriously. Can't stop playing their songs, especially 'Penelope'....love the bass line!

Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah OST Shrek
A nice addition to my Rufus collections. This guy sings like an angel. I would marry him if only he's not gay

Rufus Wainwright - Across The Universe OST I Am Sam
He definitely tops Fiona Apple in covering this Beatles classic

Rufus Wainwright Feat. Dido - I Eat Dinner (When the hunger's gone) OST Bridget Jones The Edge of The Reason
Nice. Can't wait for the move to come out

Most Played songs :
Eggstone - Taramasalata
A groovy Scandinavian indie band with catchy melodies and wacky lyrics. Can't find many sites about them, but amazon has some of their albums.

Shed 7 - Ocean Pie & Going For Gold
Gotta love those 90's grunge bands. I will never outgrow them

Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better
A feel good hit. Great for an instant mood pick-up in those blah mornings

Maxwell - Till The Cops Come Knockin'
I blame the rain for getting me into this uh....sexy mood

LIT - Miserable
Sing with me people! "You make me come....you make me complete.....you make me completely miserable"

Destiny's Child - Lose My Breath
How can you not love Beyonce? Have you guys seen their music video? Is it just me or the camera seems to focus only on Beyonce? Also, this song reminds me of how much fun Ipong and I had on the dance floor doing the "Beyonce walk" and the hair-swishing move. Ips, we gotta do it again when I'm in Bali!

Dave Matthews Band - Sattelite
*Big Sigh and dreamy eyes*

Foo Fighters - Walking After You
*Bigger Sigh and more dreamy eyes*

Pearl Jam - Black
Aaaaah.....glorious high school years when you thought that nobody understood you including your family therefore you must be adopted

LIVE - All songs
My all time favorite band. 'Nuff said

Counting Crows - A Long December
Painful. Perfect for a late-night drive when it rains and I'm hugging myself

Stretch - Why Did You Do It OST Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels
Actually, I don't know how this song got to my iPod. Must be my brother. But I gotta admit, the beat is addictive

FINALLY...IT'S MINE....MY PRECIOUS....

2004-11-30T19:00:00.000+08:00

Elated beyond words

Passed out from uncontainable excitement

CINEMA PARADISO

2004-11-26T19:36:00.000+08:00

As much as I love living in Bali, I could say that when it comes to satisfying one's hunger for top quality cinematic pleasure, Bali sucks...with a capital S.

I missed the last 3 Jiffest and this year, I am determined to watch as many films as possible. With or without companion (anyone wants to go with a funny, chubby, movie maniac like me? I don't like talking in movie theatres and I always keep my mobile off. Promise)

So the list of movies that I want to see in this year's Jiffest is :
- Coffee and Cigarettes (USA)
- Control Room (USA - Egypt)
- Lilja 4-Ever (Sweden)
- Io Non Ho Paura (Italy)
- Porte Aperte (Italy)
- Vylet (Czech Republic)
- Song for A Raggy Boy (Ireland)
- A Very Slow Breakfast (Indonesia, short film)
- Accident (UK, short film)

Okay, so the list might be a little ambitious, I may not have time to watch all of those films and others that I also want to check out, but at least I'd like to watch 3 of them. Or 4.

On a related note, although it's great that Jiffest has more sponsors this year so they can show more movies, I think the synopsis for the movies on the website can be improved.

While they provide an adequate information about some movies, some were written as if in a hurry. I tried checking out synopsis for a film called At Dawning and this is what I get :

"She thinks if she can steal away in the darkness, before the man in the bed wakes, it never happened. The man in the tree strongly disagrees"

Huh?

And another synopsis for a short film called The Most Beautiful Man In The World goes like this :

"On one hot day, a little girl searches for something to do. Aimlessly she walks into the path of a stranger"

Huh? Huh?

I know both are short films and the story probably does consist of those few sentences but I think they should've put a short background story about the movie (awards, film makers, etc) instead of the plot. I think it will represent the films better and will create more interests of the (potential) viewers.

Just a suggestion. Still can't wait for the festival to begin!

feelin a tad poetic

2004-11-26T13:22:00.000+08:00

Ayy..its sentimental-ville these days.

Bali has been raining non stop in these past 3 days. I love how the water drops on the leaves and made it sway. I love how everything just shiver and how people run to find cover. But most of all I love how it makes everything seems so quiet and serene. How people stay inside the house, looking outside with their arms folded, and worries on their faces. Maybe someone they love is stuck in the rain waiting impatiently for it to subside.

I tell you, the island seems to lose its heat, the waves doesnt seem to fade into the sands nor crush into each other anymore, but rather appear to break and begin again and again. Coconut leaves bend a little too much to the left, and sea breeze speaks to hush the town.

Forgive me for running back to the past. I suddenly find myself searching for alphabets, and between the steps a name shouts. And there im forced to stop to pick up random verses, and write you to oblivion. Tho its different. Its gone more to the corner of wonderment thats lost in this island, suddenly im finding ways to find you in more ways to Rome.

Thoughts play the dangerous set of game, leading the heart, and ways to hold. More than a dream, more than a hope.... even to the point of love without knowing what to love because seems that you can do so in a distance. Cuz it seems that its the only access. Dreamville. where i'd see you crossing streets, stopping at red lights, hard rain that wet your hair, and hear the tick of your tongue licking the back of your teeth. Where we hold hands, kiss, where i have your stare, where i keep you as memories i never run away from, where the city is jealous, and us mingle with medleys of possibilities.

But its different. now. memories are just titles. now.

Its the rain. Its the only place where it allows me to say so much through silence, bare to all that is and all that isn't.

Its the rain. And the island i fell in love in and with. The trees, corners, sidewalks and tattoo artists, mcdonalds and kentucky fried chickens, hardrock and 66, beaches and sunsets, and all the avant-gardes. Its everything i dont belong to nomore. Is it already time to say goodbye?

I guess it is. once i could find words to shout it and the legs with which to walk away.

A QUICK RECAP OF THE HOLIDAY

2004-11-22T01:11:00.000+08:00

Holiday is almost officially over.

It's quite mad to think that I've been in 4 cities in the last 2 weeks. Never thought myself as quite the traveller. Hmm.

It started off with a 10 day superb break in Bali. Okay, so I was there to move my stuff and said goodbye to everybody. But surely I couldn't say no to meeting new people while I was there, including this one sweet guy whom I'm extremely tempted to write more about but decided that he's not yet proven to be "blog mention worthy" and I didn't want to read my old posts with a cringe when things go bad between me and him (and history has shown us that it's what's likely to happen in the near future). Oh crap. I just wrote 62 words about the guy. Must. Not. Obsess.

Anyhoo, it was great to be once again in a place that I called home for more than 3 years. It was more like a holiday that I intended it to be. Yes, the head office of my company is in Bali and I was not officially taking some leaves from work, but it wasn't my fault if my Bali clients have been well taken care of by other sales staff and I was left with practically nothing to do there but downloading songs and burning my pictures from my old hard disc. I got to do the things on my to-do-list (going to the beach, partying silly with Ipong, meeting other friends, oh yeah and packing) plus some expected bonuses (having a terrific time with whomshouldnotbementionedanymore). Naturally, I was sad when it was time for me to leave. But I am determined to stay positive. I will come back. Maybe for a holiday. Maybe for work. Maybe I will get a dream job in Bali and move back. I just know I will come back. Hopefully. I have to come back, this can't be the end of my good time in Bali (think positive Affi. POSITIVE)

Was back in Jakarta one day before Lebaran and drove to Cirebon the next day with my mom and brother to visit my dearest grandma and relatives. My faith was reaffirmed. There's no dobt that I belong to this family because they are so wonderfully weird (the feeling I never get whenever I visit my dad's side of the family). My grandmother who never revealed her real age (I suspect even my mom doesn't know how old she is) who loves wearing bright-colored clothes and takes great pride in the back garden she has been slaving herself for years to maintain ("Affi, honey, you absolutely must see my beautiful lavender"). My sweet flamboyant grandmother who has a live-in boyfriend (I kid you not) and never fails to inject any compliment she gives to her children and grandchildren with self-praises. ("Baby, you look simply radiant in that dress. You must take it after me!") My mom's youngest sister who has 3 kids with mouths as sharp as a blade. My mom's other sister who married one of the famous Kaunang family members and now is on a little project of turning her youngest daughter to be a child superstar thus using every family gathering as a marketing event where she hands out free tapes, photographs and posters. My mom's older brother who's obsessed with military training and tried to raise his kids with strict discipline but ironically enough turned them somehow into deviating rebels. They're wacky and loud. They're my family.

Spent 3 days there, stuffing my face with Cirebon goodiness and then off I went with my sister and Niang to Bandung. It would've been a perfect holiday extension if approximately half of Jakartans didn't do the same thing.Ohhh...the traffic jam was horrible! I ended up spending most of my time inside the closed, comfortable walls of my sister's home, which turned out to be as fun in its unexpected way. I discovered that when you mixed groups of narcissistic people with funny, vintage sunglasses, digital camera, alcohol and er....illegal plant, you'd get this as a result :

Groovy, eh?

Oh, and I also had the privilege to meet not 1 but 3 young hot writers : Adhit and his wife, Ninit and Isman and Donna! We took some pictures with Isman's camera but I have yet seen them on his blog. (Must continue nagging him about it)

Got to Jakarta on Saturday at 4 in the morning, tired but quite contented with the whole trip. Back to my boring job tomorrow. Sigh.......

Oh, I'd also like to say : Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin everyone. Hope you all had a great holiday too.

UPDATE
Out of respect to my brother-in-law (and also fear from not being bestowed his infinite stash of herbal paradise ever again), I present you, the newly-wed, oddly-matched, couple's picture :

And another picture of the 4 of us (sorry, couldn't resist. Have found a good one where I look stoned in the most alluring way)

Notes from "Home" 2

2004-11-18T13:27:00.000+08:00

Its kinda difficult for a female chainsmoker to be smokin in the middle of bunch of people who think women who smoke are sluts. Really. really. tricky.

On the note of smokin:

My sisted just told me that she would hold my cig pack hostage, and give me only 1 cigarette a day. I said no. She said yes, while flaunting MY cig pack which i bought with MY money to which I smoke at the risk of MY health and said from now on you gonna have to beg me for it.

What am I fuckin 9 yr old??

Notes from "home"

2004-11-16T19:11:00.000+08:00

Here's the short version of my agony:

I miss my home. I miss Bali. I've only spent a day in this town, at my home, and already im feeling like a prisoner of the alcatraz. Already im looking for a way to escape with any means possible.

Its ramadaan. Its lebaran. And for weeks or so I've been feelin this certain call from within saying that I should go home this year and spend more than adequate amount of "quality time" with my family. I dunno what actually made me forget that..chico! it aint that easy! I dunno what actually made me forget that coming home means accepting perpetual mental abuse from the QUEEN of the bee (My mom). And accepting that your cute lil ass belongs to the flock, which to that extend, allowing yourself to be buried in deep shit. And to that extend, willing to give up any trace of maturity and independency that you've worked so hard for, and back to becoming the one with no vote and always vetoed. I feel like a damn palestine.

First sign, coming from the way my mom greeted me the night i got home (i gotta change the the term home, cuz baby, damn hell it aint feel like one). She greeted me with a frown, while im expecting a smile. She looked at me and commented on how skinny i was, and how disappointed she is to find that i am still smoking.

Freedom yanked out.

Then she continued to scrutinize me in warden-like way about my job. How long ive been in Bali, and hinted how unhappy she is about what i do. This thing is expected tho, so i let it go easy. Then she asked me of what position do i hold for this company, to which i informed proudly that im head of the flock now, which to my surprise didnt change that look of disappointment over those wrinkles on her eyes. This. I also let go easy, since i didnt feel i had to seek for anyone's approval for something i busted my ass for.

But to my surprise.....the topic of what position i hold in the company actually such a big fuckin deal for my family. The same question kept poppin up in the middle of family conversation. You may insert comment now as in..oh, they are really interested on whats been happening to the long lost child.. --Thats ok. I did too at first. But when it started to feel like an interogation. Im starting to feel guilty with no cause at all. I feel like ive been smugglin dope i have no knowledge of. I feel like fuckin 13 all over again, scrutinize on the core reason of why do i have friends with long hair. And this is around the topic of why i didnt inform them that i got promoted in my job. Why i didnt bother to tell them that i hold important position now.

At this point, my defenses are shooting up all over. Shuttin down and protecting my territory. Im starting to lose my positive attitude, and feeling like this defensive kid tryin to get the fuck out.

But so for i've done nothing but shooting a mere wince. Giving them a slight facial expression that says..Oh do i have to? You guys dont give so much shit to me before but now i got promoted, i have to report every week?. The one thing I realize and that 'actually' confirmed my suspicion that i was born in a wrong fuckin bloodline is the way they gushed about how i am a boss now. That i can afford some luxury now. Earthly material shit. And that i can see make them glint with pride.

Oh wow. I just never really realized how FAR DIFFERENT we are. We care in sooo much different thing and for a veeeeery different reason. It amazes me.

But that i let go easy. Flesh wound. NOthin serious.

Second sign,

The town is amazingly hot and humid, and i frantically look for more comfortable clothing option. Seriously, who can stand wearing this moslem outfit cover from head to toe, inside the house at 1 in the afternoon, with no aircon and not so much of a small fan. I peeled off the outfit impatiently and changed it to the oh so comfortable beach short and some polite version of tank top. Then i walked to the kitchen to get me some water, and found my mom sitting in the kitchen looked at me with disapproving and horrified look on her face, and said (loosely translated) "Can you expose your aurat more? Honey, I even embarassed to see you in those clothes"

I took a deep breath. Tryin to jam in the fact to my brain forcefully that this is my mom and shes been living wilingly and stubbornly in conventional moslem values, to which i shouldnt force my own as it would really mess up her system. I just replied back that its hot and that no one is around except my muhrims--brother, sis inlaws, and hey.. YOU! (said it with a smile. Really. I swear to god!)

She didnt let go easy, she continued,"You dress like that and walk around like that when you
are in Bali? Really?" (Note: Picture this with the look of sarcasmically blown away and unbelieveing expression that someone would actually DO this).

Self righteous witch!.

I still kept my mouth shut. Tho the horns kinda full of smoke now, ready to blown.

"Ih! Itu kan ga pantes. Anak perempuan kemana2 nontonin aurat gitu." (translation: Eeww. So inappropriate for moslem woman to walk around parading her aurat). Oh dear. Cmon. Really. This is just askin it. If she can be this fuckin narrow minded and speak it out, she is
binded in the consequency of being spoken back. SO I did. I spoke back.

Mom. I said. Im in the house, with no one around except YOU, my brother who is ASLEEP and
his wife, and my other sister in law who is in the other room. Its hot, you dont have air con in the living room, and when suddenly this thing become an evil sin? Theres no one in the house!!

She gasped. Surprised at my retortion. and immediately put on the hurt look.

Oh jeeeez. Maaaan, this aint a playground, is it? She intends to play all cards, doesnt she? The whole nine yards. The You shoulda known better card, The you've sinned card, to the all time favorite: You've hurt my feelings card. And all i got in my hand is The I come here in a good intention card, The I come here to spend quality time card.

I am fastly losing this game.

She turned around, walked into her room. And i sat there feeling so fuckin helpless. I felt so guilty for something that isnt even qualified as violation. And suddenly i felt like being thrown back to yeeeeeaaaars ago. The time where i was flailing in mid air feeling so conflictingly lost. The time when i was still living in this maximum security prison. The place where i couldnt identify any values except from what my family had uttered. Those included: Thou shalt not read books that can mess your head and your islamic values. Thou shalt not befriend those male who grows long hair. Thou shalt not befriend with those who go play in the afternoon, cuz obviously their parents dont know how to discipline them. Thou shalt not have your own opinion, cuz your mind is belong to those who give you birth.

Fuck. My parents is a fuckin POLPOT!!

I stood up refused to be brought back to those times again. I refuse to be manipulated this way. I didnt do anything wrong, and my mom got what she deserves. I love her, but loving her is very trying. I think she's a damn sweet woman when she stop trying to control everybody.

Its admittably a lost cause for me. Cuz like or not, I come here to make amend. I come here becuz I am mature enough to face the difference without having to go defensive about it. I am independent enough not to be sunked in to those children game of -I know better cuz im your mom- and throw the same childish fit. I am nowhere close to who i was. And i know she hates it, but sometimes you cant please everybody, and the only person in the room who realizes this, is me. So i should rise up, and just take the fact that she aint gonna change. She's my mom. all in her lacking. And i should be at least grateful for her to give me life. Yup.

I walked to my room and changed my short to jeans, my tank top to long sleeves. Waited in TV
room in case she emerged from her room. She did. I smiled, while she refused to even see me.

O well.

Cant win all.

THE END OF AN ERA

2004-11-14T01:42:00.000+08:00

Goodbye everything.

BLOGGING IN BALI

2004-11-08T13:09:00.000+08:00

When I left for Jakarta last June, nobody knew I was gonna move there for good. I didn't even know I was gonna move there for good. My Bali-based company just opened a Jakarta branch and they asked me to handle a few accounts there temporarily. After being in Jakarta for about 2 months, the management offered me for a permanent position there and I accepted. I just thought it was time for me to move on.

I'm back in Bali now to get the rest of my stuff. I also wanted to say goodbye to a lot of people. And I wanted to party Bali style :)

I didn't think it was gonna be this hard to say goodbye to this place. I thought, even though I really like living here, Bali has nothing left to offer me than endless nights of partying and beautiful beaches. But as soon as I set foot on the island a few days ago, I know I'm gonna miss this place terribly. Even thinking about leaving in the next few days makes me sad.

I wanted a change, but now that changes are inevitable, I'm starting to have doubts. I now hung on to the old and comfortable things for dear life. Everything seems much better here now that I'm about to leave. Even my luck in finding a guy seems to miraculously change. It's like the island is flailing its charm, tempting me not to go. But it's too late now, isn't it?

Blue blue blue. Instead of enjoying the little time I have left here, I'm sad thinking about the future. Maybe this is exactly what people mean when they say you should live for the moment. If you worry too much about the future, you won't be able to appreciate what you have in the "here" and "now". And before you know it, it's gone.

Or maybe I should write when I'm less sleepy and hungover...

THE WITCHIN' HOURS BOOK CLUB

2004-11-04T01:27:00.000+08:00

I know I've never really given any book recommendations here and I should really because I've been reading A LOT of books lately, and I know Ipong has too and maybe she can contribute some of the recommendations once she wakes up for her perpetual hibernation (one post a month is simply not acceptable, missy!) but I think I'm just gonna start now. Ladies and Gentlemen...I present you : THE WITCHIN' HOURS BOOK CLUB! (you know, some clapping would be nice)

Subject : Re - Novita Estiti

My interest has been leaning towards dark, depressing stuff lately. I've always been a fan of gloomy music (Radiohead anyone?) and I watch pretty much every movie I can find on dvds or theatres, with the small exceptions of any movies starring Jean Claud Van Dumb or any other action stars who speak in funny accents (that's you, Governer!!). Oh and Woody Allen. So it's safe to say that I also watch depressing, twisted movies. Recently, I've also started reading more books in this category. From Sylvia Plath to James Frey to Chuck Palahniuk, I couldn't help but snatching them from the book shelves and gobble them up and completely lose myself in the captivating words. It's depressing. It's gut-wrenching. It's also thought-provoking and often disturbing. But I love 'em. Call me crazy but I feel that I can relate very well to the stories or the characters. Sometimes they gross me out (don't read A Million Little Pieces by James Frey if you think you're faint-hearted), sometimes they make me wince, sometimes I couldn't sleep thinking about questions after questions about life until I felt that my mind was about to explode from exhaustion, but I couldn't stop reading them. I do admit though, to prevent myself from a mental break down, I also read very light books alternately. It's healthier that way. Believe me.

Anyway, I recently read a book that gave me pretty much the same effect. I think it's worth noted that the book is written by an Indonesian female, who also happens to be someone I know. The title is Subject : Re and the author is Novita Estiti. Yes, the very purple person :) Don't be fooled by the title or the cover. It may look like your ordinary love story, but it's not. It's not a happy one, that's for sure. Yes, it is a compilation of e-mails and instant messages (hence the title) of a guy and a girl and it's amazing how these letters, these messages alone can create an engaging plot. This book tells you the reality about love and life, the reality that sometimes we choose to ignore. I think the honesty of the author is one of the contributing reasons why I find it appealing..and disturbing. I am very tempted to write more about this book but I think I shouldn't. I have the tendency to say more than necessary and leave nothing to the imagination. So why don't you visit her blog to find out more. And when it hits bookstores, go buy it. If you're a book lover and you like stimulating read, this book's for you. This book is also delivered in a very simple, unadorned style that's easy to read. Personally, I think a good book can still say a lot without being too verbose.

Plus, my comment of the book is included on the back cover! Yes, I couldn't resist mentioning that :)

A FRIEND NO NEED, A FRIEND INDEED

2004-10-31T02:23:00.000+08:00

Sure, joining Friendster gives you the chance to reunite with long-lost friends as well as make new ones. If you're among millions of people in this world who are connected to one another (as the site boasts), I'm sure the following remarks sound familiar to you :

- Isn't this the geek who used to sit behind me in high school? My my my look how cute he is now!
- Hey, this is my ex-boyfriend! He's married now? Damn, I better change my status to "In A Relationship"!
- I can't believe it! This is (insert childhood friend's name) from elemantary school! I onced pulled her pony tail so hard until she cried! Oooh, I wonder if she's still mad at me..

The thing is, you're not always delighted to find people from the past in Friendster. Some people might remind you of unpleasant experiences, some people might be the living proof of your worst fashion period and you're scared they might reveal your secrets on their testimonials to you or worst...put up an old picture of you and her in baggy stone-washed jeans and permed hair (God..the horror!). Or some people are simply your annoying friends from school and you don't have the heart to reject their request to add you.

There was this guy from my junior high school. We were never close. He was the smartest kid in my class while I preferred to hang out with the girls or the grungy kids who cut classes and played guitar on the backyard of our school. Him being smart wasn't the reason why I didn't befriend him. It was because this guy was always acting like he was above all of us and he was really a smug and self-righteous prick. I once came as the 24th in my class of 30 something students and he insisted on seeing my report card. I finally gave up and let him see it only to find him mocking me incessantly for getting 5 in Math. The next term, I studied hard and was among the top 10 in my class and wanted so much to shove my report card to his snotty face, but decided not to because he was the #1. I hate that guy.

Anyway, he found me on Friendster and sent me a message. The standard "hi are you Affi who went to my junior high?" plus a request to add me to his friends list. I hesitated a little bit, but thought that it would be childish of me to ignore his request because hey...it's been 12 years since junior high school, surely people change, right? NOT.

You see, in my profile, I put "World's Class Procrastinator & Part Time Daydreamer" as an occupation. No reason. I just didn't want to put my real occupation plus I really am a procrastinator and a daydreamer and I don't feel the need to explain or excuse myself to anyone. After I approved his request and replied his message, he sent me this (loosely translated for a more dramatic effect) :

"Hi! Glad to see you here. So what do you do now? A world's class procrastinator? Are you serious? In this age where people are quickly moving to the top, you're still a procrastinator?"

Does anyone know how to remove people from my Friends list?

PS : On a totally unrelated note, I can't seem to publish the changes I made on my blog template from w. bloggar. Does anyone know what might be the cause?

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A GADGET FREAK AND...WELL, ME.

2004-10-29T01:22:00.000+08:00

Me : (smugly) I want to buy iPod Mini. The pink one.

My brother : Oh no. Not you too! What is it with people and iPods? Don't you know that they're overrated??

Me : They are? Why?

My brother : Because...they're expensive! And the sound quality is not all that. You can buy a better mp3 player for half the price of iPods Mini. The only cool thing about them is the design. I really don't understand what the hype's about

Me : Well...they are kinda cute. And they have 'em in pink..

My brother : (Groaning) You and your pink stuff. Here. I'll show you some of the best mp3 players that I found on the net. The design is really cool too.

My brother : (opening websites)

Me : (Staring blankly )

My brother : Ah. Here. You see this? Rio Carbon 5 GB Player. iPod Mini only have 4GB memory, right? And look! It's small too! The design is way cool!

Me : Well...yeah...but it's not pink...and the price is pretty much the same with iPod Mini..

My brother : But it has 1GB more memory! Alright, fine. If you still have any doubts..(opening some new browsers)
Oooh....check out this baby right here! Okay, it's even more expensive than iPod Mini, but look how stylish it is! And 20GB! That's all the songs you'll ever need in your life!

Me : Mmmm....I don't know....

My brother : Look. If you want to spend that kind of money on an mp3 player, you might as well get a good one. A 4 measly GB won't store that many songs you know.

Me : It says 1.000 songs in the website (defensively)

My brother : Yeah..but in what quality? Look, if you want to listen to a song with a decent quality, you'll need them to be in blablabla kbps blablablablabla (continued blabbing unintelligibly about kbps, driver and other gibberish)

5 minutes later...

My brother : So that's the fact you should know about these players before you decide to buy it, ok? (Pausing to turn to me) Hey, what are you doing?

Me : (innocently) Checking out iPod accessories?

My brother : Look how overpriced those accessories are! I think it's crap that they charge so much for a mere design!

Me : Look. Why do you care so much? It's MY money. So they're overpriced, but so what? If I can afford it and I wanna buy it, why shouldn't I? Why do I have to listen to you just because you're a geek?

My brother : (opening mouth to spit out some equally insulting come-backs but stopped himself) Okay, fine. If you insist on buying an iPod, why go for the mini? Don't you know that a 20GB iPod is only about $50 more expensive? $50 and you'll get 16 more GBs! Think about it!

Me : I know that...

My brother : So?

Me : The 15GB iPods are not available in pink...

My brother : (banging head on the keyboard)

15 minutes later...

Me and My brother were reading customers review in Amazon.com

My brother : See that?

Reviewer: MARIE (MARYLAND) - See all my reviews

MY IPOD BROKE IN A MONTH. APPLE CUSTOMER SERVICE IS THE WORST I HAVE EVER DEALT WITH. THEIR RETURN POLICY IS A REAL PAIN. I HAD TO SPEND OVER FOUR HOURS WITH THEM ON TWO DIFFERENT DAYS JUST TO GET THE IPOD RETURN FOR REPAIR. PLUS, THEY WERE VERY RUDE AND NASTY ON THE PHONE. I WILL NEVER BUY ANOTHER APPLE PRODUCT EVER AGAIN. IF YOU PURCHASE ONE, JUST PRAY THAT IT WORKS AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEND IT IN FOR REPAIR.

My brother : You have to think about the aftersales service too. If your iPod is broken, where would you want to go and have it fixed?

Me : (staring blankly)

My brother : And look...another customer who proved my point...

Reviewer: Gadgester (New York) - See all my reviews

The iPod Mini's are quite stylish, but in person, the color plastic they use feels cheap. I was really surprised by this "discovery" when I check them out in an Apple store a few months ago. And on some of the display units, the pain had already started coming off. Not a good sign of Apple's "high-end" pretense.

My biggest issue, though, is the limited storage. 4GB, which is even less if you use the binary count method (where 1GB = 1024MB), doesn't really hold that many songs. Since MP3 (and Dolby's AAC) is a compression encoding method, you *do* lose audio quality when you rip your CDs (unless your have crappy CDs to begin with). 128kbps is not really that good for ripping music unless you are a teenager not concerned with "good-quality" music. I use at least 196kbps, but at that rate, the iPod Mini can hold only 650 regular-length songs, or about 50 CDs. That's not really helluva lot of music. Even at the more customary 128kbps bitrate, you can only cram about 75 CDs worth of music on the iPod Mini, which means when you run out of space, you'll have to delete songs and re-transfer songs, a task not easily done in the iTunes software, on PC or Mac.

So for this much money, the iPod Mini is a poor value. On the other hand, I must say that the other alternatives are not as nicely designed or easy to use as the iPod Mini.

Me : Hmmm...(noncommittaly)

5 minutes later..

Me : Hey, wait! Stop right there! I see a comment that I want to read!

Reviewer: Gardenia Willoughby "publishedauthor" (New York City) - See all my reviews

I love the iPod mini, but for those who haven't seen them in person, the "pink" is not pink. It's more of a purplish mauve raspberry color. Not a bad color, but not the sweet baby pink that it looks like in the picture. I was a little bummed (and probably would have gone for the green instead if I had known), but other than that it's a great buy.

My brother : what about it?

Me : Well, if the pink one isn't really "pink", I'm having second thoughts about buying it...

My brother : ...........

HI. This Is Ipong. Affi's ANGRY friend.

2004-10-27T14:28:00.000+08:00

Im so sick and tired with this shit.

You know, i have this thing since i was a kid. The notion that things usually get a bit harder when it comes to me. From small things to bigger things to the huge most important things, I usually have to fight twice harder to get it. I never have things go my own way in a blink of an eye. No. I have to bend backwards, roll backward, jump 2 hoops, run a marathon, just to get a donut -- so to speak. I used to think that this is good for me. Shapes me to a better fighter kinda thing. But now....

Fuck That!

Im sick of that. Why cant i get it easy? Why the fuckin effort just to get a freekin taxi? Why go the extra mile just to get that fuckin coffee right? Why the fuckin hell bent to get one project done. And the thing im so pissed off is, what goes wrong is always. ALWAYS. the x factor. The element that is beyond your control. That one fuckin point when you have organized everything down to the single thread, and then other people fuck it up. Or fax machine fucks it up. Or internet line fucks it up. or telephone lines. Or all the shit that is BEYOND MY CONTROL!!

Some people do it in split second. Me? I have to have full one day just to fuckin fax this person in Manila.

Im sick of this. Hear me? Im sick of it. Shape my fighting spirit? Fighting spirit MY ASS. All it does is shape me into a VERY ANGRY PERSON.

And whats up with this NON SMOKIN FACILITY shit? ITS HARDROCK FOR FUCK SAKES! And duh. the fuck about cancer shit. yea you dont smoke no more, but hello?? you still eating fuckin junk food, not to mention greasy deep fried food Indonesians are sooo into, inhale the poluted air outside, drink drums of alcohol, standing in the midst of smokey air inside a club, and eat the freakin unsanitized fuckin pork knuckle from the street, where legions of flies crowding the meat that is sold just next to the fuckin SEWER!!!

Hellooooo?? Non Fuckin Smokin Fuckin Facility??

Who is dumb enough to buy this shit?

Now get over yerself and fuckin smoke already.

HE'S GONE

2004-10-27T00:43:00.000+08:00

A hug. A kiss. A stroke on my cheek. "Keep up with your Yoga.." and he was gone again. The taxi zoomed off as my stomach gave me a painful lurch. Emptiness again.

THE NEW AND (NOT SO) IMPRESSIVE LAYOUT

2004-10-25T21:26:00.000+08:00

I'm bored.

Bored with Jakarta, bored with home, bored with my job, bored with my looks and my limited wardrobe, bored with my own voice, bored with the weekend TV shows, bored with my Dad's neverending preaches about religion, bored with stuffing my face with food at 3 o'clock in the morning, bored with forcing myself to wake up at 8 am to go to my boring office, bored with the traffic jam, bored with the songs played on the radio, bored..bored...bored.

I opened w.bloggar to start writing a new post only to realize that I was too bored to write anything. Or it was simply that my life is too boring that I can't think of anything to write about. So I decided to give this blog a makeover instead. I already got a hair cut a few weeks ago and it was proven to make me less bored only temporarily, maybe because I didn't have the guts to give my hair a drastic change so in the end, I only managed to cut about 15 cm of it (my hair was really really long) thus leaving me with a semi-long hair that I can't really do anything about. Forget about spiking it. Forget about giving it a "bedroom style". All I can do with my lame hair is blow dry it, give it a bit of wax and I'm ready to go. It may sound simple and fuss-free, but when I look at myself in the mirror, I really don't look that much different compared to I was before the haircut. Sigh. To give myself a complete makeover that doesn't require me to look like Rosie O'Donnell, means I have to either lose weight or shop for new clothes. I don't think eating rice at 3 in the morning every day for the whole month is the way to lose weight and I'm really already broke enough thanks to my last shopping spree that left me with so many bath and body products I don't even need. Sigh.

Anyway, blog makeover. Yeah. I decided to do that instead. It wasn't an easy process, I practically used up all of my working hours today doing it. And I didn't even build the skin from scratch, I merely used the boring template provided by Blogger. Thankfully,Isman was there to guide me every step of the way. I therefore concluded that Isman :

a. Is a very nice and helpful friend, not to mention patient and doesn't mind teaching a html-dummy like me on how to put up the comment box and stuff
b. Doesn't have anything better to do at work
c. Likes to abuse his office internet connection for personal purposes
d. All of the above

Whichever it is, thanks ya man :)

So this is it, guys, the new look of Witchin' Hours! It's not perfect (it never will be when we're talking about me and html codes), I have yet to put up pictures, links, change the rather cheap looking pink-colored background and so on and so forth, but hopefully this new layout will encourage its authors (yes, that's you too Ipong!) to write more thought-provoking and less guy-berating posts.

Speaking of guys, today is actually The Director's birthday. I'm proud to say that this time, I didn't throw him any surprises. No cakes, no presents, no reservations at his favorite restaurant. Nada. But it may have something to do with the fact that he's working late today and won't be able to see me at all. Sigh.

I'm bored....

2004-10-19T01:38:00.000+08:00

I'M NOT ALONE

My suspicion confirmed. Unless you're Jennifer Aniston, forget wearing this.

2004-10-14T16:50:00.000+08:00

A SNAIL IN MY NECK AND I'M FEELING BETTER

It's easy to get carried away by your sadness. It's easier to just let yourself falter than try to get up and move on. When people say "get over it" sometimes they don't realize that you can't just suddenly stop drowning yourself in the sea of sorrow and resurface with a new surge of hope. I can't do it anyway. But what I can do is to find distractions. They don't deliver permanent solutions but I was desperate for a quick fix. I am determined to make some changes in my life and I can stop being so damn hard on myself for a start.

So I did what a girl has to do when broken hearted. Went shopping.

I couldn't ask for a better timing, my good friend from Bali came to town yesterday and she's staying with me throughout her visit. Ever so loyal friend she agreed immediately when I asked her to go shopping. She said she also needed to buy some "essentials". It came as no surprise when neither of us ended up buying anything essential, with the exception of her contact lense solution. She was just the perfect companion for me at this state. I didn't need to tell her what my problems are, and she didn't need any reason to make me laugh. We laughed all the way from my office to PI Mall. I laughed at the stupid remarks she made about everything (Fi, itu mobilnya panjang banget ya kayak meeting room?), I laughed about the stories of the latest member of her "guy of the month club", I laughed when I accidentally whacked my own face as I was telling her a story a little too animatedly, I laughed some more when I was trying on the trendy poncho top after she persistently prersuaded me to do so despite my claim that I was gonna look like Farid Harja in that top. And I was staring at my own reflection giggling with her because I did look like Farid Harja!

I got this cute silver necklace, also bought a new two-way-cake compact powder and some delicious-smelling bath gels. We bought some breads and rolls, took our purchases home and continued our gossip session in our pjamas , joined by our other friend, that lasted till the wee hour of the morning. I think we must've used every vocabulary we have, even the word "yahud" made a reappearance from its glorious days in the 80's! God help us all. The highlight of the "girls" night in (I use "" because one of us is actually a guy....gay, mind you) was when we compared notes (sorry, couldn't elaborate) and it goes like this :

Me : "7"
Gay Friend : "6 I guess"
Girl Friend (smugly) "15!"

Me & Gay Friend "Whoaaaaaaa!!!" bowing to her ceremoniously "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

So even though I practically had my coffe cup permanently planted in my hand in effort to keep my eyes opened to cope with the usual hectic hours, not to mention being a couple of hundred thousand poorer, it sure beat staying home alone crying my eyes out.

I'd recommend this to everyone. Retail therapy + late night gossip session with friends = a new set of oomph to brave another lousy day. Just watch where your hands go when you talk :)

2004-10-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

LAST NIGHT

He kissed someone.

Last night The Director asked me to go this club with him but I told him I was too tired to go. I met him tonight and he said he got really drunk. And he kissed someone.

I felt as if I was choking. But first instinct was to yell "What????" but I didn't. Instead, I reached for my tea cup and took a big gulp and pretended that the piece of news did not affect me in any way. I raised an eyebrow and asked him who she was, indefferently. It was an Oscar-worthy performance, a real class act, I made myself sick. He said she was just a friend of his friends. She's got a piercing on her tongue and that's all he could remember.

Why should this affect me in any way? I agreed to this casual relationship. I agreed that we are both free to see other people. I even slept with someone else and told him about and I did it sober. So why should this be any different?

But it is. I am in love with him. And he kissed someone else. Someone with a godamned piercing on her tongue.

This is wearing me down.....

WELCOME TO INDONESIA! DO WATCH OUT FOR THE RUDE QUESTIONS COMING YOUR WAY

2004-10-11T18:24:00.000+08:00

Still related to my previous post, I'm going to tell you a story to show you how insensitive people can be and how many of them don't realize that what they say can actually humiliate other people thus they can end up humiliating themselves.

Especially if you say something to an international celebrity in front of 50 something journalists.

Okay, okay, I'm gonna start from the beginning. This happened sometimes in the year 2000 when I was still working as a radio DJ. MTV Sky, a radio station that belongs to the same group as the station I worked for, was holding a grand launch event and invited a ska band from Orange County, California called Save Ferris. It was also a part of the band's new album promotion so their recording label, Sony Music, decided to hold a press conference. Because I had a bit of experience hosting press conferences for international artists (Coco Lee, Neri Per Caso, Paul Gilbert from Mr. Big, etc), Sony Music asked me to be the moderator. I gladly accepted, of course. Save Ferris was rather big in Indonesia at that time. Remember 'Come on Eileen'?

Anyway, when I got to the venue, which was a swanky hotel in South of Jakarta, I heard whispers going around the conference room. Apparently, Save Ferris' frontwoman, Monique Powell, turned out to be rather..umm...larger than what we saw from pictures or music videos. I had the pleasure of meeting the band at the cafe I also worked for at that time a few nights before the press conference, and although she was a very voluptuous woman, I thought she looked hot and she was very very friendly. They performed a few songs at the cafe and that girl rocked! Big time! (no pun intended) So who cares if she put on a little weight? To me, she just looked very womanly with the extra curves and all.

So the band showed up and the press conference started. There were about 50 something journalists from various local media. Despite my initial nervousness, it went very well. The band was friendly and a little bit goofy, questions were flowing endlessly and the Sony Music people looked positively pleased with the whole thing.

Until one woman from the press members (I forgot the media she worked for) was given the microphone and asked, with a loud, clear voice "Monique, why are you so fat now?"

The room was suddenly quiet. You could practically hear everyone gasping. I looked over to the band with horror and no doubt Monique's face was red with anger and shame. The other members (of the band) shook their heads in disbelief and one of them even hid his face in his hands.

"I'd rather not answer that question, sorry" Monique said coldly.

I was dumbfounded and found myself speechless. Who the hell let this moron in the press conference?? I wanted to scream. But I quickly regained my composure and said curtly "Guys, please. I thought I made it clear that no questions outside their music and performance tonight are allowed"

But honestly, could I say anything that can save the event? The band decided not to continue the conference but they were nice enough to stay so the press can take some pictures. Hats off to Monique who, despite feeling unmistakably humiliated by the question, could resume being all friendly and smiley to the other journalists who approached her. That's what I'd call a professional.

And that woman journalist? You wanna know what happened to her? I heard that she, and the media she worked for, was banned from further events held by Sony Music and a friend of mine saw her walking out of the conference room crying. Well Boo Hoo. That's a lesson for you. Next time, think before you say anything and for God's sake, consider switching careers if all you can think of asking in a press conference is the musician's appearance. You might think it's perfectly acceptable to say that to a friend of yours but get it through to your thick head that she is NOT your friend and she DOES NOT share the same cultural values as you do so what you said is extremely rude, not to mention embarassing to your fellow journalists and Indonesians!

Just thinking about it gets me all worked up again. One of the many things that annoy me the most is rude people. Can I get an Amen for that?

I'M NOT PREGNANT, I'M JUST FAT!

2004-10-08T16:17:00.000+08:00

A part of Isman's book about warning signals of when you should start paying attention to your (gaining) weight reminded me of my own experience. When I moved to Bali in 2001, I gained 20 kilograms over a year period.

"But that's physically impossible!" My friend said when I told him. Oh, but it is. When I left Jakarta, I was this fit, svelte, young thing. Okay, maybe that was overstating it a little bit, but even though I am big-boned, I could consider myself having the ideal body weight. Not skinny, not overweight either. I was working at one of the busiest cafe in Jakarta and often left work past midnight. I was a chain-smoker (still am actually), skipped meals continously and held a free membership of an exclusive gym near my office. When I moved to Bali, everything changed drastically. I got a job that allowed me to leave work exactly at 6 pm, I stopped working out and became a full-pledged couch potato. Actually, I have some tips for you folks who need to gain weight :

1. Move to an island where there are virtually no good street food (bakso, siomay, mie ayam, all those food you normally eat for lunch or dinner on your way home) so you compensate with quantity.
2. Reside in a place where there is no traffic so hanging out in a cafe or hitting the gym after work would be a "silly idea"
3. Choose a specific location where there is no decent movie theatres, of even there is one, they always show crappy B movies (Dawn of The Dead, The Dungeonmaster, Halloween III) 6 months after it came out. Resort to renting DVDs and be sure you surround yourself with plenty of snacks.
4. Live with someone who's a fantastic cook and whose idea of gourmet cooking is chunks of beef stewed in thick coconut milk, cheese and some other ingredients you'd rather not know.
5. Live there for 3 years. You'll notice a difference in just one year. Guarantee.

I wish Isman's book came out earlier because I totally ran through the "yellow lights" blindly and opened my eyes when the lights have turned blinking red. There was also a sound of utter horror as I was struggling to fit my "fat pants" (you know, the kind of pants you wear on your "fat days"). I pulled and I pushed and I squeezed and I puffed and I tucked and I still couldn't get the damn pants over my freakin' hips. Finally, I slammed myself onto the bed and pondered for a moment with pants still hanging on my chubby legs. Maybe I need to lose weight. Yeah, I know. A pregnant pig could figure it out sooner.

The truth is, I was in denial. Over that period of time, there were actually quite a lot of comments from people about my weight. Mostly coming from people who haven't seen me in a long time. When I came to Jakarta for the holiday, my dear sister said I looked like the great white whale and some friends didn't even recognize me. Yet, I kept on deluding myself into thinking that was normal. I mean, when people move to a new place, sometimes part of adjusting to the different environment is gaining or losing weight, right? I thought, well in my case it happened to be gaining weight especially with the change of lifestyle and my sister is always a bit of a wise ass, I tell you. So I turned a deaf ear and went on with my life, oblivious to the fact that I was rapidly turning into a human blimp. Until that day with the fat pants.

After that big revelation, I went through my dresser, tried on my clothes one by one to see what fit and what didn't. It was very terrifying to find that almost none of the clothes I brought from Jakarta fit. The other problem was I didn't own a full-length mirror. So I never really saw how big I became from a proper magnitude. I didn't own a scale either and sub-consciously kept avoiding it. So imagine the horror and shock that engulfed me as I stared back at my own reflection in the changing room (I shopped for new clothes immediately). I didn't have a waist!

Anyway, the comments I received after that was even getting more and more crude. I will never forget this particular remark of a so-called friend who met me after being away from Bali for over a year. We were saying hello and stuff when all of a sudden she reached out to touch my belly and said "So when's the baby due?" I swear to God I almost slapped her in the face. I read about people being mistaken of being pregnant when they've gained some weight, but I never thought it would happen to ME! I wailed hysterically like a hungry baby (and I really was hungry) that night and my (then) boyfriend tried to comfort me by saying "The nerve that girl has! You know what, you shouldn't be offended. I think she looks like a slut now"

"But she was a skinny slut!!!" I roared angrily.

After that particularly painful remark, I started going on a diet. Plenty of diets actually. Name one type of diet you read about and chances are, I've done it. Someday I will write about me and my diets, I believe it will make Robert Atkins cringe.

I lost 10 kilograms now and I've done it in a year. Still a long way to go back to the old me, but I'm quite proud of what I've achieved so far. My sister gave me a skirt for my 25th birthday and I could fit into it just weeks before my 27th. Boy, did it feel good when I put it on and finally it didn't get stuck on my hips.

I've also become more sensitive now towards what I say regarding other people's weights. Having been in the supersize category myself put things into a diferent perspective. I was never mean to overweight people or anything but I gotta admit that I used to laugh at fat jokes/comments. You know when you do that and you think the person you make fun of won't be offended because "all fat people are easy-going and they're used to the jokes anyway"? Bullshit. The person might be laughing with you but it still hurts nevertheless. So be kind, people.

THE SECOND DATE THEORY

2004-10-04T18:22:00.000+08:00

Have you ever heard of the second date theory?
I'm not surprised if you haven't because I made it up.

However, this theory is not at all groundless as I have proven them quite successfully on numerous occasions.

The theory is actually very simple. You should always go out with a guy/girl on a second date to decide whether or not you want to see him again. There are a few exceptions of course, you should not proceed into second dates if :
1. The guy/girl makes no sign of asking or agreeing to a second date
2. The guy/girl is a total creep that you'd rather spend an entire afternoon watching mosquitos sucking blood on your legs.
Definition of a creep : a person who behaves outside the standard norms applied in our society. (Prisons and/or devil-worshipping sects not included)
3. The guy/girl is married (subjected to personal preferences - if you don't mind breaking a nice little family apart and keep the broken piece for yourself - sure,why not?)

Apart from those aforementioned conditions, always say yes to a second date.
The reason, like the theory itself, is simple. Contrary to popular belief, you do need more than one date to really understand, assess and decide if you want to see the person again. Please bear in mind that this theory should not be used as a process of finding "The One". Lord, no. This is simply to help you figuring out whether the person you go out with on a first date might be worth your time and energy for future engagements/meetings. Also, the second date theory does not restrict you to make any kind of judgement on the second date only. Feel free to do so on the third, fourth, even on the day before your wedding day if you still have doubts by the second date.

Alright, if we're clear about that, let's continue.

If you're like me, a single individual who occasionally feels the needs to socialize with the opposite sex members, you've encountered many of these situations :
1. You went out on a first date with someone and you thought it was a total disaster
2. You went out on a first date with someone and when somebody asked about it, you shrugged and said "I suppose it went okay..."
3. You went out on a first date with someone and you didn't even wait until you get home before you sms'd your best friend saying "He is Gr8! Cute,sxy&fny! I thnk Im in luv.."

Sounds familiar?

You might be thinking, "what's the big deal? If it's no.1 or 2, you simply don't have to go out with the person again. If it's no.3, continue!" When in fact, this is where we must hold ourselves from making any judgement too soon, to avoid disappointments in the future (yes, I do have your best interests at heart) Let me elaborate point by point..

Date Situation #1
A Total Disaster
Have you ever thought how nerve-wrecking it is to be on the first date for some people? You might be able to be non-chalant about it, or you may not have a problem meeting new people and carrying a fun and intelligent conversation with them but some people, most people I believe, think about sitting down in a restaurant with someone they just met and will instantly feel sick. They feel pressured. What if she doesn't like me? What if he thinks my arms look fat in this top? What if she doesn't think I'm funny? What if he makes a really funny remark and I snort the orange juice out my nose? All those what-ifs! They exist because whether you admit it or not, people put very high expectations on first dates. So instead of coming off as charming, polite and intelligent, the person sometimes ends up doing the exact opposite. You think he burps loudly because he doesn't have any manner? Think again. He might let it slip accidentally and because he was nervous, he thought burping the word "how you doing" could save him some face and maybe, just maybe, you'd think it's funny. So give him/her a break. Go out on a second date and decide how you feel then.

Date Situation #2
Mediocre
He's cute but the date went so so. You weren't exactly swept off your feet and during conversation, you found yourself thinking about whether or not you've done your laundry that week. This is also the case of over-expectation. Just because sparks weren't flying above your head, you don't think the person's worth your time? Think about it. Chemistry is sometimes overrated, people. You just met this person. Most people aren't usually comfortable with expressing themselves too freely on first dates, even if they think you're hot. Do you whisper sweet nothings to your date's ear during movie on a first date? Didn't think so. (If you do, who are you? Marlyn Monroe?) If you have at least one thing in common (you both think tiramisu is a great dessert) I'd say that's enough reason for you to agree on a second date. You'll never know how things are going to develop. You might very well find a very special person underneath that sweater vest (sorry, couldn't resist a little "Friends" joke)

Date Situation #3
I've found The One!
Not so fast, missy. Yes, chemistry might be so thick you can cut it with a knife, but this is a first date, most people actually practice to be charming beforehand. You laughed at the same jokes? Good. You talked on a cafe until you're the only customers left there? Great. But save your judgements for the second date before you commit the whole weekend for him/her. This tip is also handy for those of you who meet a potential boy/girlfriend but later on found out that the person is somewhat unattainable (he has a boyfriend, different religions, different ethnic background, whatever that will drive your parents insane). You should use this theory to find out whether or not the person is worth saying goodbye to your parents' inheritance for. Ask him/her for a second date. Choose a different location, do different things, see how he dresses during the day (also great to scrutinize every unsightly scars/marks on the face), find out if the conversation does flow as well as it did on the first date. If after the second date you still find yourselves relishing every second of it in your mind when you're in bed, then my friends, you're officially screwed. Welcome to the puzzling maze of tears, frustrations and occasional laughter known as "dating". Maybe I will make up another theory to help smoothing your ill-fated journey :)

2004-09-25T04:06:00.000+08:00

A WEEK'S BREAK FROM HIM
(My reply to Ipong's previous post - kok jadi bales-balesan gini?)

It's been almost a week since the last time I saw The Director. Almost a week without dinners, brunches or movies with him. Not even so much of a phone call or sms. Each day I become even more determined to focus on other aspects of my life that desperately need some improvement and push him to the back of my mind.

As a part of my attempt to break away from him (since I still can't work up the courage to tell him how I really feel), I agreed to meet this one guy for a date tonight. I met him from friendster, which is a brilliant invention if I may add. Let's just call him PTA, after one of our favorite directors, Paul Thomas Anderson.He's one of those guys who put other images but his own photographs on his profile, so before I met him I had no idea how he looked like. We sent a few messages, mostly discussing movies, and by those messages alone I concluded that this guy might be worth the time. We agreed to meet at Citos to see The Terminal.

"Meet me in Aksara. I'm wearing striped skirt and a black top" was the sms I sent him when I got there.

"I'm wearing a pink bikini" was his reply.

A few minutes later, as I was browsing through the pages of "Yoga for Chicken" (don't ask), I saw from the corner of my eyes a guy standing on my left side, staring at me. I looked over and there he was. Remember when I told you repeatedly that I would like to date a guy who looks somewhat geeky but not really a geek? That's him, Ips. He's got that look. And I dig it. He's not too tall, about the same height as me, a bit skinny, wears glasses, fair-skinned and was wearing brown sweater, loose jeans and a pair of trainers. The perfect casual, geeky, Erlend Oye look. And I dig it.

The chemistry was instantly buzzing. I felt comfortable with him and the conversation was flowing like beers in a packed club on a saturday night in Bali. The last time I hit it off this well with someone on a first date was with A, but even with him I didn't feel this comfortable. It was one of those times when you feel like you've known this person for a long time even though you just met him. The movie was very entertaining too. Moreover, at the scene where Dolores Torres showed the ring that was given by Enrique Cruz after he proposed to her, he and I laughed at this very subtle joke when nobody else in the theatre laughed (if you've seen the movie you'd know what I mean). I really really like the way he laughs by the way.

After the movie, we sat side by side on a plush couch at one of the coffee shops and talked for hours. It was great. We ignored the fact that we were the only customers left there and the staff kept on clearing their throats and wiped the table next to ours even though it didn't look dirty at all. We finally gave in and left the place when they started playing Marcel's Firasatku ("cepat pulang......") on an ear-splitting volume level.

Throughout the night, he was being a good listener, a polite gentleman, a considerate yet interesting talker and he even drove me home.

Is there a catch? Of course there is! We're talking about my life, right?

He has a girlfriend. I had been wondering about this since we exchanged messages on friendster until I was tired of guessing and asked him straightforwardly. He gave me a reluctant yes.

"How do you think she will feel about you seeing me tonight?"

He just smiled and didn't say a word.

"She doesn't know, does she?"

Still smiling and no answer. Clearly he didn't want to talk about it so I didn't press it. We just moved on other subjects knowingly.

Classic eh, Ips? I thought I'd finally found someone who could distract me from The Director and he was taken. How many guys have I tried dating after I broke up 1 1/2 year ago? I lost count. Okay, 8, and I didn't even count that Indian guy I met at Hard Rock. How many more guys do I have to meet before I find someone whom at least I can see regularly without any complications? I don't know if I care to find out.

Maybe we should consider saving for a house for both of us to live in from now. Because at this rate, Sabre and Sabian seem like our best bets.

2004-09-21T01:10:00.000+08:00

MY ATTEMPT TO BE KIND AND NOT SLAPPED THE FRIGGIN' HEAD OFF OF THE MAN (a.k.a reply to Affi's mail)

Dear Affi babe,
This is a classic case of rotten tooth that dwells on your nerve system (figuratively speaking, of course)
Tho i said pretty much what i wanted to on our phone convo, i wanted to put it out there the way i think about the man. Of course its the man im gonna blame, cause you are simply fabulous cuz you are my best friend. and as my best friend you have the priviledge of gettin all my vote.

Anyway.

I think your "relationship" with the man is entering the dangerous zone of "not defining stuff". My personal opinion is, it is borderline bullshit if someone can firmly and confidently say that they are comfortable in the ambiguous relationship such as what you have. It is almost certain that one of the party will end up eaten away. And usually its the woman.
I read somewhere that we women, release certain hormones after physically intimate with a man that causes us to bond and to feel more attached with them. This is a natural process, and i guess this is what happened to you. So it is very normal and natural that you feel the way you feel.
What makes me a bit ticked off with the man is that, jesus... come on! its been a year already. What is up with this not defining stuff, avoid building foundation of what can be a very good thing ( i mean, helloooo. knock knock, if it was unpreferable, you need to keep it going for a year???) Be a man, and admit the fuckin feeling already! Whats so good about pretending that this seeing on girl exclusivity is just a bit of "coincidence".
I think the whole thing is just so damn ambiguous (tell that to the man, please) and it is so sad, because i can see that you guys like each other so much, and such a good match.
And here's my assessment to his standpoint :
I guess, with so much crap going around us, it shapes us to be hellishly cynic and cowardly. We are so afraid of letting our guards down, so hell bent in defining ourselves, asserting our own independence and opinions and equality and so afraid to love openly and admit it, that we often end up losing people we love or could've loved. We're so busy building walls, protecting ourselves; we pretend that nothing can hurt us, that we should not and do not trust anyone, that we're not vulnerable, we do not care, hoping that saying it often enough would make it true.

But here's the gist:
we still get our hearts broken all over again, no matter how far we bend backward trying to avoid it to happen.

Tell this to him, that this is dumb. This "how cool where you guys are staying" is merely a tad idiotic pretence.

Also tell him to grow up and get some balls to admit how his feelings (cause i am mostly certain that the feeling is mutual). It takes a gut to admit that you're in love with someone and if they fuck you over, well thats too bad. shit happens. At least you've given it all of yourself instead of some half assed bulshit which takes you neither here nor there.

And thats the best part of being alive, isnt it? Taking the full bet. Its gambling at its best. And if he didnt know that by now, he certainly need an enormous amount of time to grow up.

YOU are a gem, baby. YOU deserve nothing less. YOU need to be happy. and YOU deserve A LOT MORE than some half assed attempt from childish man who doesnt know what he's got goin infront of him.

And YOU, my dear beautiful friend deserve a fairy tale love! Not some mediocre bullshit of "I hope your feelings remain as it is cuz i dont want it to be complicated"
oh hey you know what? Newsflash! NOTHING is NOT complicated! Even this thing is complicated.

babe, I hope you dont go on sacrificing your priority and emotions simply becuz you still wanna be with him. Because darling, Damn hell! you deserve A LOT MORE! and life is just too short.

2004-09-16T03:51:00.000+08:00

AN E-MAIL I PLANNED TO SEND IPONG BUT NEVER GET TO FINISH
(I guess you'll have to read it here, Ips)

Oh, God..I think I'm falling for him, Ipong. I don't know how to handle this. When he was gone for 2 months, I was okay. I thought "hey, it's not as bad as I thought. I think I can get used to him being away often" although I did miss him dearly. And then I met A and he kept me busy for a while. But as soon as he came back to town, I was drawn back to him and I don't even care about A and the games he played anymore! I really enjoy being with him and everytime I think about him leaving again, which he will in the next month or 2, I'm sad.

The feeling is getting stronger and stronger each time I see him. I don't want to use the L word because I'm afraid if I say it out loud then it's gonna be real and later it's gonna bite me in the ass. But maybe there is L here. How else do you explain it then? Even after knowing his flaws and quirks, I don't want to stop seeing him. He's never modest about his disgusting habits yet I'm never disgusted. He snores, he farts, he makes yucky noises when he brushes his teeth, he speaks loudly whenever he's talking on the phone and he does all those stuff in front of me. He can be insensitive at times, he's tactless sometimes, he can also be impenetrable and detached...but none of those things seem to matter. It's 2.30 in the morning and I'm writing about him. What does that tell you?

I am trying to be nonchalant about the whole thing but it's just impossible sometimes. Whenever he stares at me, I can't even look him in the eyes because I'm so afraid he's gonna see how much I want him. I don't kiss him or touch him as much anymore because I'm scared I won't be able to stop. I'm so afraid my affection would overwhelm him. When he kisses me, I close my eyes and let myself drown in his kiss and savor the bliss, hoping it will last forever. But it never does, of course not. So he would stop and I would break away unwillingly although God knows how much I want to grab his face and kiss him until he struggles for breath! Pretty scary eh? Hehehe..But seriously, Ips, it's killing me that I can't tell him how I feel. Why not, you ask? Because I don't want to freak him out, that's one. I really like what we have and I don't want it to change or, God forbids, end. It's funny this feeling I have for him. I really like him and expects nothing from him that sometimes I think it's even irrelevant for him to know how I really feel. But there are times when the feeling becomes unbearably strong that it could just burst out of my chest and when that happens, I always try to remember the second reason why I shouldn't tell him. I don't want to pour my hearts out only to find that he doesn't feel the same way. I don't think I can even bear seeing the look on his face as he awkwardly tries to find words that won't hurt me. Ooohh, that would be devastating. So I think I'll keep my mouth shut. After all, I somehow know that he doesn't feel the same way. I stopped looking for "signs" and trying to analyze everything he does or says to me. It's pointless. He doesn't play games and always been honest with me about everything so if he feels the same way, he would've said it instead of keeping me in the dark, right?

We had the "talk" last week about where we are and stuff. Don't go jumping off your seat yet, there's nothing new really. The talk was basically carried out to make sure we're still on the same level of understanding. Where we are now is basically the same with where we were a year ago, where we were 6 months ago or 2 months ago before he left. We are still at exactly the same place as we were before. He wanted to make sure I am aware of this and that I'm not expecting more out of him because he doesn't want to promise anything and hurt me in the end. I told him I am not expecting anything from him. I don't want him to make any promises and I actually like where we are now. I told him not to worry, I don't have funny ideas about us...and I'm also not the kind of person who likes to fool herself into thinking we are something more than just 2 good friends who are also physically involved with each other or thinking that if I press hard enough, I'll be able to change his mind. And I'm only half-lying there, Ips. I do love what he and I have that I don't want to ruin it with unrealistic expectations. That's the only way I can truly enjoy being with him without getting disappointed or upset about the things that he does or doesn't do. No commitment, no expectations, no promises. No pressure. Lots of freedom. This way makes the emotional roller coaster less loopy. And I do realize there are some things within me that need to be sorted out completely first before I can jump into a real relationship. So this is probably the best thing that I could have at the moment.

He also asked me whether my feelings about the whole thing will remain the same. He said maybe one day I will wake up one day and realize that I want more. And things will be complicated if that happens. I told him things don't really have to be complicated. I told him honestly that I may very well wake up one day and realize that I want more. And when that happens, I will tell him. And If he's still at the same place as he is now, which means that he doesn't want more, than maybe we should stop seeing each other to avoid the complications. He stared at me long and hard after I said this. He pondered for a while and then he said "I hope I won't be in a different place from you are when that happens. If you stop seeing me, I'm afraid that a few months later I'll realize that you're actually the person that I want to be with and then I'd feel like a dumbass. This kind of things usually happen to me". I smiled and I shrugged to this. But inside, my heart made a little leap. I wanted so bad to shake him and tell him "Then don't be a dumbass!! Figure out what you want and tell me before you lose me!!"

But I couldn't. And I feel like a dumbass now.

This is like watching a very good movie with one of your eyes closed because you don't want to enjoy it too much in fear that you'll be sad when it's over. And it doesn't make sense, right? But this is what I do. I keep on restraining myself from giving too much, or showing too much affection or being too happy when I'm around him. Sometimes we hang out at his apartment and he'd offer me to spend the night, but I always decline. My excuse was always "Oh, I didn't bring any clothes" while you know damn well that I don't mind wearing the same clothes to work for a week if I can stay with him for as long as I want to. But I'm scared, Ipong. I don't want to experience those wonderful mornings where we lay on the couch watching the news, not talking, and then get up and make breakfast together (alright, he makes pancakes, I eat them. Happy now?). I don't want to remember how great it is to sit down and munch toast or cereal while I discuss the latest article I read in Cosmo and he tries so hard not to laugh as I shoot him questions like "Do you think we're sexually compatible?". I want to forget those nights we spent at his living room, him in front of his laptop, me reading my book, and I put my legs on his thighs and he constanly stroked them (my legs, not his thighs) as he checks his e-mails. The room was completely silent except for the muted sound from the flickering TV and the soft buzz from his laptop. It was the kind of silence that I like. The comfortable silence, as I call it, of knowing that you don't always have to talk to be able to really relish each other's company. (I know you're familiar with the comfortable silence). I'm trying so hard not to think about those times when we kissed each other goodnight before he went to his room and I went to the other room (he doesn't like sharing his bed, remember?) and we got carried away so sleep was the last thing on our mind as we went at it in his kitchen :) I remember little moments like when we came across a really sappy romantic comedy on HBO and he started watching it from beginning to end obviously enjoying it, but because guys are not supposed to enjoy sappy chick flicks, he would turn to me once in a while and ask "Do you want to watch this? Because if you do, I don't mind watching it". Although I told him, every single time, that I have, as a matter of fact, seen the movie and if he's the one who wants to watch it, he should just quit this macho shit, sit back and enjoy it, he prentended he didn't hear me. After it ended, he would shake his head and said "What an awful movie" while he got up to pour himself some milk. Guys and their pride, it's incredible.

You see, Ipong? I remember every single little thing that he did. I am hopeless. I am powerless against this massive feeling, I don't know how much longer I can hold on. What the hell did he do to make me feel this way? NOTHING. He did nothing and promised nothing, yet I am sticking to him like a leech. I am scared that I won't be able to enjoy being with him the way I should because my feeling for him keeps distracting me. This stops me from really living in the moment because deep deep down I know the moment is going to be over one way or the other even though I tried to act as if I don't care. I am afraid that soon I have to take actions based on my instinct for self-preservations. I am afraid I'm going to have to let him go one day because I'm in love with him.

Oh shit, I said the L word out loud.

2004-09-11T02:35:00.000+08:00

MOVING ON

I woke up, took a shower, got dressed and left for work this morning. I ate my breakfast of 2 cheese cupcakes in the car. I drank my morning water and took my multi-vitamin also in the car. I turned on the radio to listen to my favorite morning show. I changed the frequency to look for other shows with less sombre tone. I sat patiently in my car while waiting for the traffic lights to turn green and the pile of cars in front me slowly crawled forward. I drove past the turn, which leads to Kuningan, and headed straight to the next turn which would take me to Sudirman instead, knowing that Kuningan is still blocked. I got to my office, walked in, took a deep breath, sat in front of my computer and began to work.

That's what I did pretty much the rest of the day, with a few intermissions of lunch and chatting with Ipong on the phone. The TV was on while we were working. Every few minutes, they would stop the program to report the latest occurence on yesterday's tragedy. I watched a bit of the news healf-heartedly. Not being able to endure another gruesome sight of the incident, I averted my eyes to whatever I could find to distract myself. E-mails. Designs. Faxes. Reports. Phone calls. Work. Work. Work. My co-workers discussed the latest info they heard from their friends. A friend of a friend of their friends was one of the victims. Injured. Shocked. Traumatized. My gut wrenched, I found myself physically wincing to these stories. Again, I tried to distract myself with work.

I was on my way home, alone and spaced out. The director called asking about dinner plan with his friend Lyndal, whom I've met and her friends, whom I've never met. I told him I wasn't up for it. I wasn't in the mood to socialize, especially with strangers. He said okay, how about brunch tomorrow, just you and me. I wanted to decline. But something in me said life has to go on, Affi. So I said yes. I got home 1,5 hours later, tired from stepping on the gas and brake pedals, tired from working all day, tired of being in a traffic jam, tired of the news, tired of the violence, tired of fear, tired of knowing that there is virtually no safe place in this world for me and the rest of us. I was tired. But another day has passed. And I'm still alive.

Only one day after yet another bombing in Indonesia, and people have moved on. The men on the streets selling cigarettes and candies have moved on. They need to. They need to keep working to stay alive. Men and women with white shirts, ties, blazers, slightly dusty shoes were waiting for buses and cabs on the side of the street. They too have moved on. They have families to feed. Cars, trucks, buses, taxis crammed Jakarta streets like on any other day. No sign that showed a horrible tragedy had just happened the day before or in other parts of the world. They keep going. I keep going. You keep going. Because, really, what else is there could we do?

But can anyone really forget that we are walking on this earth that has been stained by blood of hatred as old as the earth itself? Can we erase these images from our heads?

20 minutes before the bomb exploded, I passed Kuningan, I drove past the ground zero, just like I always do every morning on my way to work. If I left the house 20 minutes late, or If I got caught on a traffic before I reached Kuningan which could delay me by 20 minutes.....I don't even dare to think what woud happen. People said I am lucky to miss it. Lucky to still get another chance to live in this world. But am I really?

2004-09-09T20:13:00.000+08:00

IT'S JUST SICKENINGLY TOO MUCH

A bomb exploded outside Australian Embassy in Jakarta this morning.
I took the news with muffled cries of irritation, hoping that this was just some prank joke done in awfully bad taste. I ran my ass to the tv room and turned on the news.
There it was. The site of explosion. The damaged building, and (thanks to the highly unethical Indonesian TV journalism) close-up shots of corpses with cut off limbs and other gory stuff you prefer not to have seen on TV.

And i watched this with sunken feelings. How can someone be so irrationally stupid to have done these awful things. I cant help but wonder whether this terror act done to achieve greater purpose as what they so fondly claimed or is just act of some really sick demented psychotic assholes who get their hard on by killing people. Just like that neighbor kid who gets the gist by torturing my cats.

Now it is all blurred to me. Im pulling myself out from emotionally charged reactions I used to have when seeing this thing, and try to see it from different POV. If i was in their shoes. Carrying higher message to convey to world. Wouldn't I want it more like drawing giant graffiti on white Jakarta Chamber of Commerce walls? There. on your face. a graffiti that says "I HATE BRITNEY SPEARS". Clear single message and everybody will know whom you hate.
Blowing up people is ineffective, impractical, messy, and costly. All sum to utterly idiotic way of doing thing. Terrorism act, tho said to be conveying certain demand out of hopeless case to change certain policy of certain nation, really isn't that straight on effective advertisement. It is downright stupid.
Think about it. Its bleeding implication (forgive the pun) is ladening the effectiveness. You get more people to hate you rather than support you, and it just stoning the will of the said nations to well..snuff you cruel bastards out. So message isn't really conveyed properly then, is it?

Not to mention if you did it in Indonesia, it will slump the fuck out of the country, send it down to the economically pathetic level, which send YOU (the said bomber) into a more piteous pit of poverty (unless you get a REAL good price of Arab money for each head you blow - which i doubt). without reaching any effective goals.

Another question that arises in my head is that:
what actually goes through the mind of these fucked up killers? The moment when they are ready to ram that motorcycle to the building carrying the bomb with the knowledge of possible mass murder. What goes through their head? "Yeehaa, im gonna go to heaven for Jihad?" or "Die you motherfuckers..oops i didn't really think im gonna be blown to pieces too..Fuck!" or "They said my family will be all taken care off if i just carry this 6 kgs thing and ram my motorcycle to the fence...by the way.. what is this 6 kgs thing anyway? BAM!! oops too late!"
What? really. What goes through their head. Do they think about the suffering of innocent people? Do they think about the implication of their action? Do they feel any GUILT??
If they didn't (which i can only assume they blind them with the excuse of doing it for religion), do they experience that crunching paradoxical dilemma out of the situation? Killing is bad, said my religion, but I do this for the sake of my religion - kinda shit?
Don't those questions arise in their head?
Cuz really. How fucked up are you to be able to do that, with a sense of pride, no less.
Don't the question of, how fucked up is my fuckin religion to allow me to do this shit, arise in their head?
Do they think at all?
Do they have hearts at all?
Are they human?

Really. I am confused. I am enraged. I feel pity to those people. And mostly i feel tired. Im tired cuz the hatred they planted is seepin in my blood. Tired cuz it makes me want to do the same. Retaliate with the same volume. It makes me no better than them. It makes me see the world in the same hopelessness and bitterness. It makes me not appreciating lives. It makes me evil.

But mostly, Im tired cuz i dont see this end. Cuz i see there will be 2 evils that will consume the entire human race. Those who got attack and those who retaliate. Thats all the world will be about. Attack and retaliate. To no end.

My friend said, we're doomed.

Indeed we are.

2004-09-05T01:53:00.000+08:00

TONIGHT..

I laughed and I laughed and I cheered and I clapped...because the person who truly deserves to win, has won the title of the First Indonesian Idol! Congratulations Joy! And good for you, Indonesians! Finally, you made the right choice!

But then I remembered this.....and I cried and I cried and I cursed and I am still crying...

I am saddened and digusted and confused and angry and I need answers. What did those innocent people do? What did those poor children do? What kind of twisted world are we living in now? How is killing 340 people, 155 of them children, serving God's will? I am ashamed to have Arab blood run in my veins..I am ashamed of being a Muslim...I am ashamed to belong to the human race.

Fuck the militants. Fuck the arabs who are helping them. And fuck you too if you think this is the ultimate jihad and God is clapping and cheering in heaven.

And where was God when all of this happened? When those children prayed and called out his name in fear and terror, what did he do? Why didn't he answer their prayers?

How could he let some sadistic lunatic take aways hundreds of innocent lives, children lives, and let their familes and friends suffer and be traumatized from this tragedy forever?

How? Why? Where?

Where is God?

2004-08-28T18:18:00.000+08:00

WHEN THE SUN RISES 9 YEARS LATER...

I think it was in 1996 when I watched Before Sunrise for the first time and I was totally blown away. What a fantastic film. It was certainly not your average love story yet it was probably the closest thing to reality that any movie has ever tried to do. The unconventional ending where they left each other and promise to meet again in six months time left so many possibilities and everytime I think about the movie, I always wonder what happened to Celine and Jesse..or more like what could happen. Did they meet again after 6 months? Did they forget about each other eventually and move on with their lives? Or maybe they're now happily married with 2 children?

The answer is here. After 9 years of releasing the movie, Richard Linklater finally made a sequel and it's called Before Sunset. I know this isn't the most recent news but I just found out about it and I'm stoked! I'm gonna look for the dvd now...

2004-08-27T01:56:00.000+08:00

A CHUNK OF THAT AFTERNOON

Her : So when you're thinking about doing it, what usually stops you?

Me : Nothing.

Her : Nothing?

Me : Yeah. I think about it a lot of times. The urge to do it is sometimes incredibly strong. But if you want to know why I haven't done it, it's simply because I don't actually have the guts to do it. Which is kinda sad, don't you think?

I let out a bitter laugh. I looked at her. She wasn't laughing. There was concern in her eyes.

Her : That's good. I hope you'll never have the guts to do it.

2004-08-24T16:28:00.000+08:00

LESSON IN LIFE #1

When you find out in the morning that one of the 2 straps of your right shoe is about to snap, don't wear it anyway, thinking the other strap would be able to hold your giant foot just fine even if the first one snaps. You'll never know.

You'll never know when your client calls and asks to see you immediately in her office, which is located in a busy stock exchange building where everyone dresses smartly and walks in fast, steady pace, looking like they always have somewhere important to go to and something important to do. If you already hate yourself at some degree, you would hate yourself even more when you realize that BOTH straps on your right shoe have indeed snapped. When you're already inside the building.

Furthermore, If you decide to walk back - correction - shuffle back to the parking lot, and pass the staff cafetaria on your way there, do not attempt to shoot dirty looks to the laughing onlookers. They will only laugh more.

By any chance you meet the security guard on your way out, and he asks why you come back after only 5 minutes being inside the building, answer his question curtly and do not look at his face. Watching the mock concern on his face and the obvious effort to hold back his laughter is painful.

Last but not least, come up with a damn good excuse to give to your client of why you are unable to meet her today.

Not exactly Taoism but an important lesson nevertheless.

2004-08-24T16:27:00.000+08:00

Me against the world

what a teenage shit.
But has this ever occur to you? When things just dont work out the way it should be. the way you want it to work out. When suddenly things just go left and right, and nothing's going right. No matter how hard you try to make it.

This posts will full of lowlights with no high.

At all!

Day started with my huge dissapointment toward this friend of mine, who happens to be a journalist of a small time music magazine, whom i set an exclusive interview (scheduled only for big time media) with this American RnB artist.
The intv was scheduled at 11 am. Sharp. And i had confirmed the time twice, with a note that say: Please be on time since Mr. Martin has a full schedule.
All media that i invited came on time. She was the only one who didnt show up. I had my staff called her several times to no avail. I, of course, had to seek an alternative, since this was a chock a block professional to the max kind of event. I can not. AND WILL NOT. let this artist sitting around in the hotel lounge waiting for a jornalist who does not even have the courtesy to be punctual, while there were 4 other media waiting for their turn, and alternately giving me the dirty look since i corteously waiting for this bitch. So i gave her boss a call. Whaddya know. Her boss didnt know about this interview. I was in the edge of nervous breakdown when i said to the boss, "dont know what you have to do, but somebody got to be here, and that means, NOW! This is an exclusive interview for a very upscale event and you are holding up the schedule."
Shortly after, a replacement came over. But i've already scrambled journalists schedules, and their turn went down to the last for only 15 mins of time. I had no choice. The artist had his schedule down to the seconds, and i cant let this little blunder wreck the whole itinerary. And obviously, I WAS ANGRY. I just couldnt believe the nerve and the ignorance of this person. I gave her the opportunity JUST BECAUSE she is my friend. And she has the audacity to fuck it up???
Oh!! and it aint over yet. She called one hour later, and had the NERVE to say to me that i gave her the wrong schedule. She thought it was 11 pm. and not am. and she blamed me for it. I told her, with a really cold cold voice,
" all the journalists came ON TIME. YOU are the only one who didnt show up. and you think i gave you the wrong schedule?"
She stood by her arguments. I did as well. And she told me that she was dissapointed since i called her boss without clearing up the matter with her.

Oh. this is an ungrateful bitch at her best.

So i pierced the argument. Stick her words with a butcher knife with "You are still sleeping at 11 am. on Monday! What does that say about you? Yes i called your boss. If you fucked up your job, who you think i would call? Your father??"
Finish saying that, i left her gaping for new words to attack me.

Oh yes. I AM MAD. and I am dissapointed. I dont want to think of what harm my words had done. I gave her piece of my mind and that is it. Consequences will be contemplated later.

* One reason that leads me into pondering the joy of having no friends.

Later in the afternoon, I tried to track down this other friend of mine who owes me money, and who's responsible for my money lacking situation and virtually dip me into shit, who is mysteriously dissapearead from the face of the earth, who is (for lack of better words) A SHITWEASEL!! I need my money back because i have none that day. After numerous phone calls (which leads me to think that i might afterall have the talent to become a PI, I tracked him down. Caught him off guard, and spit it off his face. I say Fuck friendship. Im done being the one who is being exploited here. Friends shouldnt do this to each other. Friends should not deliberately harm friends. This is just plain wrong! And I told him off!
Thing is, I would've melt if he just had the guts to say sorry. I would forgive and forget right then. I wouldve said, naaah thats ok, man. Just dont do it again.
but nooooo, he prefered to weasel his way out. Told me that he wired the money already, and he had the receipt with him. I asked him (nicely, cuz i felt bad at this point) to please fax me the receipt. He agreed. and I waited by the fax machine. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. 20 minutes passed. No fax.
I hid my face in both of my palm. Hiding this painful annoyance that at this point has rocketing and hit my head in double whammy. I felt so mentally exhausted. But then he called, told me that he lost his receipt (Shocking!), and convinced me that he had wired the money 5 days ago. I asked him from what bank he did it, he said he forgot. (hmmmmmmm..), I asked him what time he did it, he said he couldnt remember. Boy, this guy really thinks he can get away by playing dumb, doesnt he?. At this point, i couldnt hold it any longer. I went at him with the coldest n most acidic n biting words. He finally confessed that he didnt wire the money, but he did ask his friend to wire the money for him. I didnt want any crap, so i asked his friends number and will confirm this myself. He gave first 4 number before he pretended that he went into tunnel and hung up on me.

*Sigh.

I give up. I just give up. I dont know what is happening here. This is truly an offense against integrity. And I felt so powerless. And for some reason, i felt like i am the one whose the bad guy over here, by confronting this to my "friends". Now I am the bitch.

So i leave it up to fate. Whatever. Make me one of those most hated friend on earth, for bitching about punctuality and money? so be it. WHATEVA.

I am now just on the doorstep of shutting myself up and recluse-ing. If this is what i have to endure and put myself up to in the name of friendship, then those thoughts of growing up to become a lonely old lady with her cats feels more and more like a fantastic idea.

No. Seriously.

PS: Good to be back, folks! Hi Afs! (wave to Affi)

2004-08-19T11:53:00.000+08:00

It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
There's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
One drink
Will shrink you 'til you're underground
And living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list of what you need
Before you sign away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
So just...give up

Aimee Mann "Wise Up"
Taken from the soundtrack of Magnolia

2004-08-12T02:24:00.000+08:00

THE OTHER WITCH (WHO'S BEEN MISSING)

2 o'clock in the afternoon on a normal busy day in my Jakarta office. Ipong came online and greeted me with some of her usual silly gibberish. Now please note that I use the words "silly gibberish" in the most affectionate manner possible. We use silly gibberish a lot. This is one of the things that I love most about my friendship with Ipong because while we spend countless hours discussing things that are profound and substantial (the "maybe we don't need guys in our lives after all" kinda topic), we are also able to sit for hours talking about complete nonsense...and have a jolly good time! I often think that anyone beside Ipong and I won't have a clue about what's so funny when we're goofing around and laughing with tears rolling down our cheeks, but I also often realize that I couldn't care less. Why should you care if noone else thinks you're funny when you have a friend who can laugh hysterically about something utterly stupid that you said or did that you would always end up laughing with her endlessly and instantly feel the whole world is laughing with the 2 of you?

I asked Ipong to update me on some news about home (I have been away from Bali since end of June, mind you). And her answer was this :

"Odiet* got a new job and he now gets paid more than I do. That lucky bastard. And I found a dead puppy in front of our house this morning. Ain't life just grand?"

Now althought I found these 2 pieces of information a bit distressing, I smiled to myself reading her reply and then realized how much I miss being in Bali. Maybe it's not so much about being in the island that I miss, but it is the fact that I live with my best friend there that makes me wonder how long I have to stay in Jakarta before I can come home.

I miss staying out all night talking with Ipong. I miss our 24 marathon, or Friends marathon, or Sex & The City marathon, or cheesy teen flick marathon. I miss the drive to our offices every morning where we would pass this spectacular view of the ocean just as we roll down the hill from our house. I miss the silence of those morning drives that none of us have a problem with because we both know that we both are sooo not the early-risers thus can't really function (including communicating) before the clock hits 11 AM. I miss getting ready for a saturday night out. I miss showing up in front of her room with a set of outfit to ask her whether I look fat in it or not and get an honest, yet encouraging, answer (only girls know what I'm talking about). I miss exchanging make-up tips with her. I miss getting silly drunk in dhayana pura and nudge each other whenever there's a hot guy passing by although we never ever have the guts to approach anyone at the end of the night, no matter how much we've been convincing each other that "you absolutely have to come over and say hello". I miss our early morning drive where would then ramble incessantly about the 1001 reasons why we never get any guys. (We're not slutty enough is always a favorite). I miss reaching the front gate of our house with an affirmative conclusion, mutually agreed by both, that we are simply too classy and intelligent that most guys are intimidated by these facts, because, let's face it - virtually every guy who's crowding the streets in Bali on weekends are looking for fast, meaningless one night stand potentials...not chances of getting to know 2 interesting, smart, funny girls like us who, in order to get our attention, need more effort than just some sleazy pick-up lines from guys. (Hey, it's usually 5 o'clock in the morning and we're both usually drunk so we would say anything and believe anything so that we can get some peaceful sleep).

I miss rushing back home to tell you the post-mortem of the date I just had. Or waiting impatiently at home to hear the post-mortem of your date. I think combined together, our date stories would make a hell of a fun book to read someday. Let's discuss the title and the kind of picture we should put on the cover of the book when I get back to Bali. The actual content is hardly relevant.

I miss driving up to Ubud listening to old songs from that mysterious radio station whose frequency we accidentally picked up on the way there. I miss driving back to Kuta in the wee hour of the morning, singing out The Beatles songs from the top of our lungs to keep ourselves from falling asleep. I miss how we are always, always, late to everywhere and yet always get away with it. Well, most of the time anyway.

I miss going to Lemon Grass just to eat the Pad Thai more than twice a week. I miss sitting out on the beach for hours with a bottle of red wine and pour our hearts out until we have no more things to whine about and end up breaking up into giggles over something silly. I miss going to a party, determined to be more sociable so we could make more friends, and end up standing in a corner again with just the two of us, laughing and dancing with wild abandon, while occasionally shooting off dirty looks to ~~people~~ weirdos who try to join in (now I see what we did wrong, Ips). I miss Ipong's greasy, spicy and tasty nasi goreng on sunday mornings. There's nothing quite like it to cure a hangover. I miss her red bean soup (I won't tell you what's in it, but maaaaaaan the soup tastes goood!!) I miss trying to cook a simple dish only to leap out from the kitchen a few minutes later because "the hot oil is attacking me". Although I often get annoyed when she rolls her eyes and when she has that expression on her face that says "you are just hopeless", I do miss her taking over the kitchen so she could finish the ~~meal~~ mess i was making. I think it's incredibly sweet (and brave) of her how she never refuses to eat anything that I manage to cook on a few rare moments. I miss doing the Wade Robson with Ipong. Everytime the show's on, and precisely when hunky Wade Robson is about to start teaching some dance moves to the new winners, Ipong and I would stand in front of the TV trying our best to follow these not-so-simple dance steps. When the steps become more and more difficult, Ipong would simply resort to her famous dance move. I wish I could describe it here, but you have to see it to believe it. It is like hip hop mixed with ronggeng. The result, people, was despicable. I think Tina Toon would do a better job than us. The chance that we would be professional dancers one day is as thin as Paris Hilton after her yoga class. Still, we manage to amuse ourselves and give each other high fives at the end of each session. This is what Saturday afternoons are like in the house of Ipong and Affi.

Now Ipong, if you're reading this, before we sound anymore like a lesbian couple, or before I'm starting to talk about you as if you were dead and I would no longer be able to see you again, I just wanna say that I miss you a lot, sista. Even though I most likely won't be coming home until September, I still would like to find out what's been goin on in your side of the world so it would be nice if you can post something here. Because I checked, and the last time you wrote something here was on March. In case you've forgotten, this is your blog too :)

*Odiet is our best buddy who never seem to be able to hold a job longer than 2 months and is totally clueless about what he wants to do with his life. He's 23.

2004-08-06T18:33:00.001+08:00

THE DREAM WEDDING

Now that my sister and Niang's wedding is out of the way, I can concentrate on my own wedding!

Noooooo...I am not getting married!

It's just that with the beautiful wedding on Sunday where my sister and her husband (eek! I gotta get myself used to referring Niang as her husband) looked positively radiant, and also after watching the finale of Race To The Altar a few days ago, I came to thinking about what my wedding will be like when I get married....errr...IF I get married. (The chance doesn't look good, people)

As you can see in Isman's blog, my sister had a typical Indonesian wedding where she wore kebaya and had to stand on a beautifully decorated pedestal for hours, shook hands with 500-something people and smiled dazzlingly until their faces were so stiff the smiles became permanent. Memorable as it was, the event was exactly like anyone would expect out of an Indonesian couple.

Now, Race To The Altar, was something else. To those of you who missed the finale and care to find out who won, it was the "power" couple, Susan & Coyt. Not surprisingly, they won most of the competitions from episode 1 because they were indeed the most determined compared to the other 6 couples. So yeah..they deserved it, I guess. I mean, I don't really care about the games with the stupid names ("Against All Odds"? "With This Ring"? "Get Me To Church On Time"? Phhoooeeyy) although I do admit that I kinda enjoyed the emotional turmoil ensued by overly-ambitious (and bitchy) brides to be. But the real reason why I've been following the show is because of the ultimate prize that the winners get..which is their dream wedding. Imagine this, you'll be getting married with the man/woman of your dream (so to speak) in a beautiful surrounding, with a lavish decoration, luxurious dresses and expensive suits, the best food, wine and champagne money can buy, good-looking priest - everything organized for you and you don't have to pay a single cent!

Susan & Coyt's wedding was held in a huge private estate in California that was previously owned by (get this) Barbara Streisand. Everything from the pedestal, Susan's dress to the cutleries looked magnificent and yes..expensive. They were glowing with immeasurable joy (iyalah, gratis!) And as they changed their vows (which I suspected was professionally composed by the scripwriters) before their friends and family, I cried a little. (Shut up, I said a little) All in all, the wedding was perfect because it was exactly the way the couple wanted it to be.

Now that got me into thinking about what my dream wedding will be like if I had the chance to make it come true on other people's expense. The truth is, I never really give it much thought. Maybe I've been too focused on finding a guy who is right enough for me to marry than how I want the special day to be. And I must admit, I do daydream a lot about the marriage, or being married, a lot more than I daydream about the wedding itself. So I can't really decide on the most basic things. Like do I wanna wear a traditional kebaya, a modern one or even a white stunning dress, Vera Wang style? (Not that I can afford a Vera Wang dress, but if I wanted to fantasize about a dream wedding, i should go all the way no?) Do I want it to be small and private or should I invite a thousand something people make it as something really extravagant? Should I have it in a function room like most people or should it be an outdoor party? If outdoor, should it be in a beautiful garden or at a beach during sunset? Or maybe I shoud have it in a swanky restaurant with waitresses in a white crisp shirt and a bow tie walking around, filling everyone's glasses with champagne? Should there be any champagne at my wedding? What kind of food do I want to be served on my wedding? Do I want lots of flowers in the decoration or do I want to keep it as simple as possible? All these decisions to make!! And don't even get me started on the wedding ring! Gold, white gold, with diamonds, without diamonds, what should the engraving say....headache!! I know some girls who would answer those questions firmly and without any trace of doubt because they have been thinking about it since they were 8 years old probably. But for me, there are a lot of things about my future that I haven't figured out and my wedding is one of them.

Something in Susan & Coyt's wedding did give me an idea though. For the couples's first dance, Susan requested the band to play Chantal Kreviazuk's "Feels Like Home". And when the MC got to the stage to announce the first dance, she said that there was a surprise in store for the happy couple and then loo and behold! Chantal Kreviazuk herself came to the stage to perform the chosen song LIVE!! Now, I definitely want somebody famous on my wedding!

Let me see...what song should I choose for my first dance? Depeche Mode's "Somebody"? "Kissing You" by Des'ree? Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved"? "The Way You Look Tonight" by Tony Benett? But isn't the guy dead? And I don't think it's an original choice since the song has been used in so many movies about wedding, including my personal favorite "My Best Friend's Wedding". Hmm....

2004-07-29T02:05:00.000+08:00

MENGEJAR MATAHARI - masih perlu banyak berlari

Another Indonesian film with a big promotion budget just came out in theatres. Karena sering banget denger iklannya dan ngeliat posternya di kawasan BEJ tiap berangkat ke kantor, gue jadi tertarik untuk nonton. I also happen to be permehati film Indonesia. I am happy to notice that Indonesian film industry has finally awaken from its long deep slumber these past few years, although I must say some (or most) filmmakers seem yet to open their sleepy eyes wide opened. The name Rudi Soedjarwo stole my attention right away. I enjoyed AADC although I curse him for letting the movie turn into a dumb sinetron (if it was other people's decision and not his, I curse them too). So off I went to see "Mengejar Matahari" earlier tonight. Well, here's what I think about it (beware! spoilers ahead!!)

Gue sempet bingung waktu baca dan denger di beberapa media ttg pujian yang dialamatkan ke Rudi Soedjarwo atas keberaniannya mengambil tema yang berbeda di film terbarunya ini, yaitu tema persahabatan. Emang tema persahabatan bisa dianggap beda ya? Waktu nonton filmnya, gue semakin bingung lagi, karena menurut gue persahabatan empat cowok yang seharusnya menjadi sentral dari cerita malah kurang diexplore. Sayang banget, karena sedikit scene-scene yang menggambarkan kedekatan mereka ini gue anggap sukses. Akting mereka berempat waktu bareng-bareng cukup natural dan convincing. Tapi belum sempet gue resapi (tsaaah), eh cerita udah pindah fokus lagi ke percintaan antara Ardi (Winky Wirawan) dan Rara (Agni something).

Jadi ceritanya ada empat cowok yang sahabatan dari kecil. Ardi yang bokapnya otoriter dan selalu menganggap dia nggak berguna, Apin (Udjo Project Pop) yang terobsesi menjadi sutradara film jadi kemana-mana bawa handycam dan merekam semua kegiatan mereka, Damar (lupa nama aslinya) yang tumbuh jadi a troubled young man karena dari kecil ditinggal bokapnya and his mother was never around dan yang terakhir Nino (lupa juga namanya), cowok yang dianggap paling dewasa di antara mereka dan datang dari keluarga yang harmonis dan berkecukupan (kinda makes you wonder why Nino and his family lives in rumah susun - the main setting of the film - if they're cukup berada). Film dibuka dengan adegan flashback tentang masa kecil mereka dan sebuah kejadian yang membuat tokoh antagonis, Obet, jadi dendam sama mereka. Ceritanya Obet yang emang preman, gebukin orang sampe meninggal di depan mereka dan mereka mengadukan kejadian ini ke polisi, sehingga Obet dipenjara (sori yaaa yang belum nonton, hehehe).

Terus mereka tumbuh dewasa di sebuah kompleks rumah susun. Nah, di beberapa menit pertama pas diceritain mereka masih bersahabat, cerita mengalir dengan wajar. Udjo yang mungkin emang spesialisasinya ngelawak, cukup sukses jadi cowok yang jail dengan handycam selalu di tangan. Gue yang tadinya skeptis dengan ditaronya Winky menjadi pemeran utama (Hello? Did anyone NOT see his terrible acting in Jelangkung??) harus mengakui bahwa he's improved a lot, walaupun harus gue akui juga bahwa biasanya aktor2 baru Indonesia performance-nya masih nggak konstan (example : Cut Mini di Arisan). Masih ada juga beberapa scene dimana Winky terkesan agak kaku, terutama di scene di mana dia harus berdialog panjang atau pas dia harus ngeluarin emosinya (nangis, marah, etc). But generally speaking, he was'nt bad at all. Seperti gue bilang tadi, belum sampe gue dapet gimana deketnya empat sahabat ini, karakter lain udah muncul yaitu Rara, sepupu Nino yang manis yang juga pendatang baru di rumah susun tsb. Mungkin munculnya karakter ini nggak akan jadi masalah, kalo misalnya fokus cerita nggak langsung berpindah ke cerita tentang Ardi yang naksir berat sama Rara dan akhirnya mereka jadi deket. Masalahnya selama proses kedekatan mereka ini berlangsung, which is way too soon I think, tiga karakter lainnya nggak diceritain sama sekali. Where were they when Ardi started spending more time with Rara? How did they feel about him "abandoning" them because of this girl? What did Nino think about their relationship, since he was supposed to be her cousin. Lucunya, hubungan persepupuan (i know that's not a word) antara Nino dan Rara ini jadi nggak relevan karena nggak ada hubungannya juga sama kelanjutan cerita. Selain penjelasan di depan, I don't recall Nino having a single scene with his so-called cousin, Rara. Lucunya lagi, ketertarikan Damar kepada Rara (yang nantinya menjadi salah satu alasan rusaknya persahabatan mereka) juga nggak terlalu diexpose. Cuma ada satu scene di mana Ardi ngeliat Damar lagi tebar pesona ketawa2 sama Rara. That's it. Dan begitu Damar nggak sengaja ngeliat Ardi nyium Rara di depan rumahnya, dia ngamuk-ngamuk kayak kesetanan sampe mereka gebuk-gebukan. Kalo gue jadi Ardi gue tinggal bilang "Ya gue nggak tau lo naksir juga!"

Karena kurangnya exploration dari persahabatan mereka berempat ini, waktu konflik mulai muncul di antara mereka, gue nggak mendapatkan perasaan apa-apa. Ya datar aja. Bahkan waktu (spoiler lagi) Apit meninggal ditusuk pisau sama Obet, gue tetap nggak sedih dan nggak bisa merasakan gimana kehilangannya mereka. Ini juga salah satunya adalah karena adegan sedih ini dibikin seadanya banget. Somebody is dying, for God's sake, you have a very good tear-jerking moment here, milk it!! Yang ada malah sekilas adegan pengajian di rumah Apit di mana yang keliatan cuma Ardi aja dan Damar yang ngeliat penuh penyesalan (Obet is his sworn enemy) dari luar. FYI, selama film ini orang tua atau keluarga Apit sama sekali nggak diceritain, even when he died. Gue pernah denger Rudi Soedjarwo bilang di salah satu interview radio bahwa kalo penonton (cowok atau cewek) nonton film ini nggak nangis, atau minimal nahan nangis, then there gotta be something wrong with them. Uh..sorry, dude. I shed more tears watching Johnson&Johnson TV commercial.

Yang paling aneh dari film ini adalah karakter Nino yang dicuekin begitu aja. Gue nggak ngeliat sama sekali peran Nino di film ini. The only thing we know is Nino is a level-headed guy and he comes from a nice well-to-do family. Nggak ada konfliknya sama sekali. Jadi apa pointnya dia ada ya? Terus kenapa ya penulis naskah Indonesia sering terjebak sama stereotypical dan black and white characters? Obet dan teman-temannya, a.k.a the notorious geng preman, digambarkan sebagai kelompok rusuh yang setiap muncul kerjaannya cuma jalan-jalan dan ngegebukin orang. They had very few lines apart from the yelling and cursing when they were fighting.

Another thing is, although this may seem petty, you would think that the title "Mengejar Matahari" is a symbol of something profound that will come up in the movie. Well, FYI, mengejar matahari adalah sebuah permainan yang mereka ciptakan waktu mereka kecil di mana mereka berempat lomba lari keliling kompleks rumah susun tempat mereka tinggal. Hmmm.....I think kids, especially boys, can be more creative than that when it comes to inventing games, no? Take a hint from Joey and Chandler in the episode where they invented "fireball" :)

Enough criticism, now compliments. Good job in art direction! Finally, I watched an Indonesian film that didn't portray the houses and rooms which look like it was taken straight out of IKEA catalogue. Nggak ada juga setting film di mana kita mikir "Hah? Di mana nih? Bagus bener nggak kayak di Indonesia". Here you could see the real Jakarta, with its crummy, over-populated flat buildings complete with becek-beceknya. I also think the cinematography was nice. Gue nggak ngerti teknik bikin film, tapi paling nggak untuk orang awam seperti gue, perpindahan dari scene ke scene cukup smooth dan angle-anglenya juga bagus dan nggak sok nyeni. Tapi soundnya kok agak cempreng ya?

Although the storyline seems to have a few missing links, gue rasa penulis script juga cukup sukses untuk bikin dialog yang wajar dan kesehariannya juga lumayan bisa ditangkep. Fighting choreography-nya juga lumayan convincing. Gue nggak ngeliat ada orang yang pura-pura mukul padahal yang dipukul tangannya sendiri (inget kan film Indonesia jaman Barry Prima?)
Another thing that's worth mentioning was the newcomer Agni as Rara. I think she did a good job portraying rara's character as a bubbly, cute, girl without overdoing the cuteness. She has that girl next-door quality which I think is very suitable for the character. Overall, the casting wasn't bad at all, with the exception of the guy playing Damar. Coba deh perhatiin ekspresinya kalo lagi emosi and try to restrain yourself from laughing hysterically. I found this almost impossible :) However, none of them seem to be out of placed. Maksudnya, secara fisik mereka emang bener-bener ditampilkan sebagai penhguni kompleks rumah susun itu dan ini digambarkan juga dari cara mereka berpakaian. Even seorang DJ Winky bisa keliatan agak kumel dengan celana pendek dan sendal jepitnya. Wardrobe dan make-up Rara juga pas banget. Tetep gaya anak muda tapi nggak overly trendy. Although is it just me or I seem to notice that all the characters in most of the scenes look very "white". I don't know whether it was the lighting atau emang bedaknya yang ketebelan? Yes, I'm talking about the guys too.

So..in my humble opinion, 'Mengejar Matahari' is not a bad movie, but it ain't a good one either. Ada yang bilang sama gue "lumayan lah buat film Indonesia" but I personally refuse to judge any Indonesian movie using the Indonesian film "standard". A bad movie is a bad movie, regardless of the filmmaker's origin.

But again, that was just my opinion. Why don't you go see it for yourself (If I hadn't ruined it enough for you) and be the judge.

Update : A better-written review in The Jakarta Post. This one leaves nothing for the other critics. Hehe..

DREAMING OF DREAMS

2004-07-21T01:45:00.000+08:00

It was another restless night. I kept reading my book, not only because it was hard to put down but because I was hoping the beautifully crafted words would eventually lull me to sleep. Didn't happen. I was wide awake and when I took a glance at the clock, it was already 3 AM. That was the only thing I could remember. It must have been another half an hour before I finally dozed off.

I suddenly found myself in a dark room. I could see a dim light filtered through the curtain hanging on the window, although I wasn't sure where the light came from. It was certainly night time so maybe it was from a light bulb on the hall outside the room or the street lamp? I was sitting on my bed with a blanket covering the lower half of my body. I looked over to my side and there were two people sleeping on a bed right beside mine. I didn't know who they were, I couldn't see their faces as they were laying side by side with their backs facing me. From the way their shoulders rose and dropped rhythmically I knew they were sound asleep. I had just waken up and I knew I was awaken by something. For a few seconds I was trying to remember what it was that disrupted me from my sleep and then I knew. I was falling. The ground beneath me was rocking with a mighty swing and If I hadn't gripped hard on the sides of my bed, I would surely fall on to the floor. It stopped. Only short enough for me to let go of my grip and then the earth was swaying again. Whoosh. Whoosh. I was swerved left and right and I started to feel dizzy. Moments later I heard people screaming and running down the hall. I could clearly hear the loud thump from their footsteps and the word they were yelling "Earthquake! Earthquake!". Okay, I thought, so I'm not sick. It was indeed an earthquake. I wanted to get up and run out of the room but I suddenly remembered about my two mysterious friends sleeping on the next bed. I must wake them up and try to get them out of here fast because I was terrified that If I stayed a moment longer, the roof would come crashing down on us. I opened my mouth but there was no sound coming from it. I screamed as loud as I could but I heard nothing but the sound of hurried footsteps and more screaming from outside. People were really panicking and I could not believe my friends were not awaken by this commotion. Just as I felt cold sweat running down on my back, I woke up. I was in a dark room. My own room in my parents' house. There is nothing like feeling relief sweeping over your body upon waking up and knowing that what happened to you was just a nightmare. I let my breathing stabilize before I closed my eyes to go back to sleep.

The next thing I knew, I was back in the first room. Now it looked more like a small motel room with two bedside tables and a cheap looking wooden table with a small mirror right in front of me. I paid attention this time because I was staring at my own pale reflection. The rest were the same. The two people were still exactly at the same position. Here I go again, I thought as the mirror in front of me started to rock gradually harder until my vision of myself were blurred. It was like I had just rewinded a certain scene in a movie. People were running and screaming, yelling out "Earthquake! Earthquake!".
My own soundless screaming, two bodies unmoved by what was going on around them, my sweats of fear and terror, looking up on the ceiling to see if bits and pieces were starting to fall on me. And then I woke up and moments later I fell back to sleep and it all began again, only the horrific pictures were moving faster and faster as if it kept on being rewinded and forwarded over and over again.

Amidst the hurricane of screaming, rattlings, footsteps and hopelessness, I heard a series of gentle, steady beeping sound that didn't seem like it belonged to the whole scene - just like the sound of a child's laughter in a funeral, misplaced but guiltless. Beep. Beep. Beep. I opened my eyes and was shocked to the core to see my mom standing by the bed, typing slowly on the keypad of her mobile phone, completely unfazed by the horror I just went through. I laid still. The earth laid still. I was surrounded with utter silence except the dull sound from my mom's mobile. Beep. Beep. Beep.

And I finally realized that this was the first time I was really awake that night. I finally realized that I just had a dream about a dream.

2004-07-13T19:42:00.000+08:00

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

What do Cameron Crowe, Harrison Ford and I have in common?

We were all born today! :)

I am one of those people who have mixed feelings about their own birthdays. I would get too excited about the prospect of something exciting happening on the day and It never did..well not to my standard anyway..hehehe..so I often get disappointed and I hated almost all of my previous birthdays. You know how sometimes you get the birthday blues? Well, I get that every freakin' year!

This year I was determined not to expect anything at all. I'm trying to think of it as just another day, no big deal. But, hey, whaddayaknow? This day turned out to be not so bad after all!

It started off with a couple of friends sms-ing me at 11 PM on July 12th, thinking I was in Bali. A real surprise came when a friend in Manila, whom I haven't spoken to in 4 years, called me to wish me a happy birthday. The fact that he went out of his way to make the long distance call while an sms or e-mail would do, almost brought tears to my eyes.

At the strike of midnight, my dearest sister kissed me on both cheecks and my mobile phone hasn't stopped beeping till now. All from my dearest friends..

A guy I went out on a date with last weekend(more about the date on the next post) chatted with me online until midnight so he could give me his birthday wishes, even though he told me before that he was very sleepy. I think that's a good sign, no?

When I got to the office this morning, I found a huge fruit cake sitting on the desk bought by my work friends and I took them all to a nice lunch afterwards. Some of them bought me early birthday gifts last weekend and one of them gave me a pretty earring today. I love gifts...

The director called from Sydney. I actually reminded him about my birthday 2 days ago because I know how hopeless he is when it comes to remembering important dates. This might be a little unsatisfactory for some girls, but to me, it's just one of his quirks that I grew accustomed to and It doesn't change the way I feel about him. And anyway, he's going to Europe next monday and me reminding him about my birthday means that I gave him the chance and an ample time to buy me something nice in Europe! Didn't I say I love gifts?

My bestest friend Ipong told me that she was actually planning to throw me a surprise party until she found out I wasn't going to be in Bali today. I've never had a surprise party thrown for me, another tear-jerking moment..

Pip remembered my birthday! And I didn't even have to remind him the way he had to on his birthday! Hehehe..thanks, hun! Here's some highlights of our sms's

Pip : Fi, traktir ya? Aku besok ke Jakarta..

Me : Boleh! Mau apa? Ketoprak? Gado-gado? Bakso?

Pip : Yaaa...kirain yang ada alkoholnya!

Me : Yang ada alkoholnya juga boleh! Kue soes ya? Kan ada rum-nya..

Hehehehe..

My brother sms'd me all the way from Tulsa, Oklahoma. I missed him terribly and am glad he's coming home soon.

When I came online today, I was inundated with birthday wishes and e-cards from my online friends from all over the world. I've never even met most of them in person before...

Will gave me a virtual kiss through yahoo messenger and promised me he would take me on a ride on his new harley when I get back to Bali. Woo hoo!

It's funny how you think you want something grand, something impressive on your birthday and then realizing that it's those simple things that the people around you make the time and effort to do that really makes this day a truly special and memorable one. I am very grateful of having those people in my life..

Well to those of you who still want to wish me a happy birthday, the chance is still wide open! And..I have just set up a wishlist which, unfortunately, won't be searchable until the next few days. Check back often and I'll give you the link when it's available. If you're feeling generous, you can pick anything from the list that you think I will like (hint : I like everything on the list)

Finally, I would also like to wish everyone who was born under the sign of cancer a very happy birthday! Let's all come out of our shells and invade this world with our moodiness, people! :)

Update : My wish list!

THE DOMINO EFFECT - A DAY IN JAKARTA

2004-07-01T22:44:00.000+08:00

First you woke up 45 minutes late
And then you called the cab giving your own name instead of your friend who actually lives in the house
Naturally, the maid told the cab driver that no "Evi" lives there and the cab driver went off and circled the neighborhood while calling out "Evi!! Evi!! Anybody here named Evi??" (in your imagination anyway)
You managed to call the cab to explain your silly mistake but you left your friend's house already an hour late
Predictably, the traffic did not help you get to the train station where your sister was waiting to give you her car key on time, because one of the pesidential candidates decided to save his "brilliant" campaign strategy for these few last days which involved putting a group of people in the busiest street, stopping cars and giving out some worthless flyers
So you got off the cab to catch the much-hyped trans jakarta bus because your sister screamed through your cell phone "My train leaves in 9 freakin' minutes!!"
Because this is your first time riding the bus, you missed your stop thus you had to take one more bus ride back to the right stop and hopped on some stranger's motorcycle
You got to the train station while your sister was 15 minutes on her way to Bandung, thanking The Almighty that there is still a trustable person in this city who was kind enough to keep the car key given by your sister and didn't run away with the car with the TV set in it (bear in mind that she was a total stranger)
Your gratefulness faded with the series of profanity your mouth uttered when you realized that you were already 30 minutes late to your meeting
Your client called, with an obvious annoyed tone, telling you that she had to go to another meeting so you didn't even have to bother showing up in her office
You sat in your car for another 45 minutes in another excruciatingly long traffic thinking that you probably have lost an important client
You got to the office and everyone scowled at you for getting them late for a lunch gathering at your boss' wife's house (you asked them to wait for you because you didn't know the address)
You went to the lunch, late, and left the house for your 3 PM appointment, also late
You found yourself sitting in a car again, desperately restraining yourself from smacking your friend in the head, for driving the car leisurely while tapping his hands on the steering wheel endlessly and humming to songs as if you were heading to the beach.
You wish the ground beneath you could split open in two and suck you in when you stepped into the meeting room 45 minutes late and everybody gave you a cold stare
When the meeting was over, you realized that the stupid 3-In-1 period had started so you had to take an alternative way...which would guarantee another 1,5 hours of being stuck in the car with your infuriatingly cheerful friend
Your other client, whom you stood up this morning, called again and demanded to see you in half an hour
You had no choice but turning your car around to go to her office
By the time you got out of the building, the numbers of cars in the street had multiplied into 2 million three hundred and fifty two
You got to the office at 7 PM, tired, hungry and possibly less sane than when you left your friend's house this morning.
Adding insult to injury, you received a call from the lady whose room you were supposed to rent, informing you that she changed her mind about accepting your terms and conditions (the fact that you will go stay in jakarta for a couple of weeks and in bali for another and that you will most likely come home late more often than not) so you will have to either surrender to her house rules or find someplace else. Suddenly you were left with a car, a TV set and no room.

You promise yourself you will never ever wake up late ever again as long as you live.

On a happier note, somebody called you little flower today...

RIDDING MY OWN DEMENTORS

2004-06-23T18:10:00.000+08:00

The new Harry Potter movie is out and undoubtedly it is by far the best one among three. To those of you who read Prisoner of Azkaban, like myself, one of the creatures that you'd want to see the most is the Dementors. I think director Alfonso Cuaron did a great job portraying these dark, frightening, mysterious creatures.

To those of you unfamiliar with the world of wizards and witchcrafts, Remus Lupin (Hogwards' professor of Defense against the Dark Arts in the third book) described Dementors as one of the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles (non-wizard a.k.a human being a.k.a us) feel their presence, though they can't see them. Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself...soul-less and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life. They are the guards of the Azkaban prisoner and their worst weapon is called the Dementor's kiss. A dementor would pull back his hood, clamp its jaw on the victim's mouth and suck out his soul, leaving him an empty shell, alive but completely, irretrievably gone.

There are certain defenses one can use against dementors, specifically the Patronus Charm, which was taught to Harry by Professor Lupin because these dementors seemed to be fixated on him.

In real life, I think these dementors do exist. They might not be in the form of dark, hooded creatures gliding around in our backyard ready to attack, but at some point in everyone's life, I think we encounter these demons and some refuse to leave us. Some of us might be able to perform the "spells" against them and move on with their lives, but to some of us, they might still be around us, somewhere, looming in the back of our minds ready to jump out and suck the happiness out of us. During the darkest, saddest period in our lives, we often think about these dementors. And when we do, any colour that enfolds us would slowly perish into a pit of blackness that seems to suck us deeper and deeper into the baseless abyss. And then we would have no recollection of the sound of laughter, we will forget how to smile, we can't think of anything that can make us happy. We feel like we will never be happy again. The only taste left in our mouth is bitterness and pain. And we can not even trace back to the core of this unhappiness. It created a hole in our hearts so deep we can not even cry. Do you think it's hard for someone to be evil eventually if they stay in this state for a long time?

I have my dementors. They are the most unpleasant experiences in my life caused by 2 persons. Two persons who perplexingly share the same birthday. I curse them for the grief I wish I had never felt but I do not want to stay angry. Although unlike young Harry, I can not conjure the corporeal Patronus charm succesfully on the first or second attempt, my hope for chasing these demons away will never cease and I'm gripping hard on my wand.

Expecto Patronum!

2004-06-10T00:50:00.000+08:00

THE BANGKOK STORY - PART DEUX

Day 4 - Tuesday, 11th of May 2004

I woke The Director up today with a startling announcement.

Me : You know what? I've done enough shopping. I wanna do something else today.

The Director : (scratching his eyes) Like what?

Me : I don't know...I wanna go look at temples or something..

The Director : (with an amused look on his face) Temples? you?

Me : What? I can be cultured too!

The Director : I know you can, but not in this city. It's ok, doll, do more shopping

Me : Well...in a way..the mall is kind of like a temple to me...

The Director : Sure...

So off I went to another mall called Emporium, and this time The Director went with me because he didn't have to go to work until after the afternoon. We took the sky train that day and it was so convenient! Keretanya ber-ac, nyaman, murah dan cepet. Gue dan The Director berdiskusi panjang soal rencana Pemda DKI membuat monorail and how it could solve at least half of traffic problems in Jakarta if they do it right. I told him that if the government pushes through with the monorail plan, maybe I'll even move back to Jakarta. I said maybe.

We had lunch at this pie shop on the top floor of the mall. Restoran ini (namanya gue lupa) cuma ngejual berbagai macam pie dan walaupun gue sempet keberatan dengan ide makan pie karena masih persistent dengan obsesi gue makan makanan Thailand selama di Bangkok, gue mesti mengakui bahwa pie-pie itu enak banget! I had a very creamy chicken pie with carrots and peas in it and The Director had...well...he had 3 pies. Hehehe. After lunch, we walked around the mall for a bit and went back to the hotel for a nap. Agak membosankan sih hari ini. When The Director left me for work, I still didn't know what to do that I ended up staying at the hotel watching American Idol. Sigh. I was bored to death.

Lost In Translation Moment No.3

The Director : (on the phone) hey, whatcha doing?

Me : Nothing, I'm bored senseless. I think I'm just gonna go down to the bar and get myself drunk.

The Director : Oh, poor baby. Alright you do that. Don't go meeting an american actor now..

Me : I wish I was..

Day 5 - Wednesday, 12th of May 2004

I was determined to explore Bangkok more today especially because today was my last day. So I called a friend from Bali who also happened to be in Bangkok. Karena dia punya tante di Bangkok dan udah sering ke sini, gue pikir pasti dia bisa nunjukin ke gue tempat-tempat seru selain another bloody mall. The Director also promised me that he would try to leave early from work and we were gonna have dinner in Beds Supperclub (yes, there's also a restaurant right beside the club and it looked very nice) and after an endless pestering from my side he also said that he would take me to see the notorious Patpong. Looked like today was gonna be a lot more exciting than yesterday! Great!

The Director, The Producer and I started our day with a very nice dimsum breakfast at the hotel. Being with The Director for almost a year (not to mention being friends with him for 9 years) I should've known how much he loves food. But yet, I was still awed by the way he kept on ordering dim sum without giving The Producer and me so much of a chance to order what we wanted. He kept the waiter so busy that we had to order our drinks when he was catching his breath to order some more! Puncaknya adalah pas dia ngomong (ke dirinya sendiri) "Hmm..I wonder if this is enough" trus dijawab tangkas sama waiternya "I think it is, sir. You've ordered 15 already" Huahahahaha...

My friend, let's call him Dick, met me at the hotel lobby at around 12.30. Dengan semangatnya gue nanya ke dia "So where are you gonna take me today?"

Dick : First, I should tell you that I gotta pick up my auntie at around 3, so we only have about 2 hours.

Me : Oh? (Kecewa) Alright, I guess 2 hours should do then. Where are we going?

Dick : Mmm...I need to look at some laptops. Nggak apa2 kan lo nemenin gue?

Me : Laptops? Where?

Dick : There's this IT Mall up in...

Me : Aaaaarrrgh!! Another mall?????

Dick : Yes, sorry...but if I don't do this today, I might not have a chance to do it at all.

Me : Okay...fine. Where are we going next?

Dick : Have you ever been to the Discovery?

Me : (Getting all excited again) Nope! What's that?

Dick : It's this huge mall right in front of the sky train station

Me : ........................................

Ternyata temen gue ini sama sekali nggak tau tempat-tempat asik di Bangkok selain mall. Huh. Jadilah gue nganterin dia nyari2 laptop di sebuah mall yang bentuknya mirip banget sama Glodok Plaza. And then, yes, we went to the discovery mall. Lucu juga sih, ada satu lantai yang isinya toko2 interior seperti The Loft and Habitat, but really I was so fed up with malls! When Dick took off to pick up his auntie, I hopped on the sky train again to go to the Chaopraya river. The Director said that I should take the boat rides there and I was curious to try it. On my way there, gue ngelewatin their national stadium yang guede banget dan baguuuusss banget. Pengen foto2 di sana, tapi udah agak sore dan gue takut kemaleman nyampe ke Chaopraya.

When I got to the Grand Pier, gue menyadari bahwa ternyata ada lebih dari satu jenis kapal yang bisa gue naikkin, tergantung gue mau berenti di mana aja. Gue nyamperin booth tourist information dan nanya, gimana caranya kalo gue mau ke floating market yang ngetop itu. Gue harus naik longtail boat, kata mbak2 di sana dengan bahasa inggris terbata-bata, karena floating market itu nggak terletak di main river, tapi di sebuah canal yang letaknya agak jauh dari grand pier. Yang mana yang longtail boat? Itu, katanya sambil menunjuk sebuah kapal mungil yang buntutnya panjang berwarna-warni. Gue ngeliat kapal kecil itu, terus ngeliat sungai chaopraya yang gede dengan arus yang cukup kenceng. Kapal kecil. Arus kenceng. Hmm...nggak deh ya kayaknya. Gue mau naik kapal itu aja deh! Kata gue ke mbak2nya sambil nunjuk kapal yang agak gedean dan cantik banget dengan atap kayak Pagoda dan dalemnya ada meja2 makan segala. Wah, nggak bisa, itu shuttle boat-nya Shangri-La Hotel, kata mbak2nya sambil nyengir. Bete. Ya udah, akhirnya gue memutuskan untuk naik kapal yang paling gede dengan bendera orange. Bendera2 ini maksudnya adalah untuk membedakan jenis2 kapal dan pembehentiannya, walaupun bendera itu kecil banget nongol di atas kapal, gue yakin banget banyak yang kecele. Anyway, the orange-flag boat yang gue naikin nggak berhenti di tiap "stasiun" but I figured this was okay since they told me most of the temples along the river were closed anyway.

It turned out to be a quite enjoyable ride. Sungai Chaopraya ini emang airnya coklat, tapi bersih dan nggak bau kok. Udah gitu pemandangan di sepanjang sungai cukup menarik. Dari mulai hotel-hotel bintang lima, perkampungan, sampe temple-temple dan bangunan-bangunan lama, bisa gue liat. Nggak kerasa gue udah cukup jauh dari tempat gue naik kapal pertama so I decided to head back. Sempet panik juga sih, karena pas gue turun, gue nanya ke penjaga karcis di sana, gimana caranya gue balik ke grand pier.

"Oh, you have to take that boat!" kata dia sambil nunjuk kapal yg sedang merapat dan dari bunyi mesinnya udah siap-siap akan jalan lagi. Wuah!! Gue langsung lari-lari dan untung sukses lompat ke kapal itu. Nggak lucu kalo nyebur kan. Di perjalanan balik, gue sempet minta seorang abege Thai untuk ngambil foto gue di atas kapal. Maksud gue sih satu aja, eh saking helpfulnya, ni orang malah berkali-kali motret gue dengan background yang berbeda. I had to literally snatch my camera back from his hand so he would stop taking pictures of me :)

I got back to Siam Square at around 6.30 PM and thought I still had time to make a quick trip back to MBK mall to get a few stuff for my friends. Tetep balik2nya ke mall lagi, hehehe. I then received a phone call from The Director saying that he had to cancel the reservation at Beds because he was stuck at the edit suite for a few more hours. If we still have time, we will go to Patpong, he said. Hmm..yeah..slim chance, I figured. I went to Suan Lum Night Bazaar again, also to buy oleh-oleh yang kemaren belum sempet kebeli.

Back at the hotel at 10.30 PM, The Director wasn't there yet. I ordered room service and ran a hot bath. An hour later he showed up, looking all exhausted sampe gue nggak tega untuk menagih janjinya ngajak gue ke Patpong. After all, this guy was kind enough to take me to Bangkok just because he wanted to spend some time with me and for that only I am grateful beyond words.

Lost In Translation Moment No. 4

The Director : (upon entering the room) Hey, sweetie. Did you meet an American actor today?

Me : No, looks like I'm stuck with you and I couldn't be happier.

Day 6 - Thursday, 13th of May 2004

Hari ini gue pulang!!! Huuu..sedih....

Before going to the airport, The Director and I had lunch at a restaurant called Holy Pizza in Siam Square. Gosip2nya, di Holy Pizza ini semua waiter dan waitressnya pake baju pastor dan nun gitu, emang sih di depan restorannya ada salib item gede banget, so we decided to check it out and take some pictures. Ternyata memang gosip belaka...the waitresses dressed normally although their uniforms were in black and white. But the restaurant was kinda cool. Di dindingnya banyak digantung lukisan2 keren, kayak gini. By the way, the picture was taken by The Director. Ketauan ya..yg mana hasil foto profesional dan yang amatiran seperti foto2 gue sebelumnya. Hehehe...

Anyway...that was what my trip in Bangkok, Thailand. It wasn't perfect. I didn't get to see a few places that I wanted to go to, but it was amazing nevertheless. The city was fascinating, the people were friendly in a not nosey way, the food was unbelievably good, the shopping was insanely cheap and most importantly..I got to be with a man who can come across as insensitive and selfish sometimes, but let me see the very gentle and sweet side of him that I am so glad to be able to discover. They say that when a couple take a trip together, it can be a moment where they either break or make a relationship. In my case, it definitely made a stronger, comfortable, fun and most unrestricting relationship I could ever hope for!

This is a trip I will never forget....

2004-06-02T17:01:00.000+08:00

THE BANGKOK STORY

Man oh man....I have been putting off writing this post for sooo long! I have been insanely busy these past few weeks, my boss "punished" me for taking a holiday by making me work twice as hard! Not to mention the little problem I had with uploading the images I took in Bangkok. But thanks to isman da man I managed to work it out just fine (I hope). Anyway.....a few weeks ago, I was invited to a nice trip by this guy whom I've been seeing on and off for the past 1 year. Let's just call him The Director. It wasn't really a holiday for him because he was actually sent there by his company to edit a TV commercial they just finished shooting. But for me, it was a chance to visit a country I've always wanted to go to, all expenses-paid, 6 days of nothing but sight-seeing, shopping, clubbing and eating in an exotic city! God has finally answered my prayer..hehehe.

The trip went something like this (Warning : This is going to be a long post!!)

DAY 1 - Saturday, 8th of May 2004

Got to the Soekarno-Hatta airport 30 minutes before the plane left. Found out that we were also going with a few other people who were involved in the project, one girl from The Director's production house (The Producer) and 2 people from the advertising agency. Also learned that 3 more people from the agency and 2 guys from the principal company (whose TV ad were going to be edited in Bangkok) will also join us on Sunday. This information made me feel slightly uneasy. Gue doang gitu yang nggak kerja, nggak enak banget ya kayaknya. But The Director assured me that they're all cool with me being there. Ya sudahlah. I was too excited about the whole trip to worry about what people thought about me being there. So off we went!

After a quick stop at Changi Airport, Singapore, we got to Bangkok at around 4 pm where a driver was waiting to take us straight to the hotel. On our way there, I couldn't help but noticing how similar Bangkok is to Jakarta....except that it was a little bit more modern and orderly. My observation was quickly interrupted by the chat between The Producer and the girls from the agency. I overheard that they were planning to go to Ca tu cak weekend market, a very famous flea market in Bangkok. Langsung deh gue dengan semangatnya minta diajak. Soalnya lokasi pasar ini agak di luar kota sedikit dan kalo mesti ke sana sendirian gue yakin pasti nyasar!

I became even more excited when I saw that the hotel that we were staying at was located in Siam Square. Aduh, sepanjang mata memandang gue ngeliat toko!! Siam Square ini kayak pusat kerameannya kota Bangkok. Mungkin kalo di Jakarta-nya kayak Blok M gitu deh. Pas mobil mulai memasuki kawasan ini, jalan-jalan udah rame sama abg-abg thailand yang lagi shopping, makan atau sekedar hang out. The Director told me that there were more shops behind all those shops I saw on the side of the street. Upon hearing that, I asked him whether it was truly necessary for us to check in to the hotel first.

"Hey, we've only been here for an hour..you'll have plenty of time for your shopping. Calm down, girl"

Hehehe..jadi malu. Tapi emang bener sih, begitu abis check in ternyata dia harus langsung ke edit suite untuk mulai kerja so I was left alone with pretty much all the time I needed to shop until dinner time. I made a remark to him that I felt like the girl in the film Lost In Translation and The Director laughed and said maybe I'd meet a famous american actor there and have an intense, non-sexual affair with him. This, during the whole trip, would be something that he asked me every single night when he came back from work.

Akhirnyaaaaaaa....gue keluar dari hotel dan menyusuri jalan-jalan di Siam Square! Ternyata bener, di sana banyak banget gang-gang kecil yang keliatannya agak kumuh tapi begitu gue masuk, all I could see was shops!! And those small alleys were leading to even more alleys with more shops!! I instantly felt like home! Hehehe...Barang2 yang dijual di situ agak2 mirip sama barang2 yang ada di mangga dua...but cheaper! Tapi karena gue tau gue akan di situ selama 6 hari, not to mention the prospect of going absolutely crazy in Ca tu cak market, I restrained myself from buying too much stuff. Jadi yang gue beli cuma ini....dikit kan?

Turned out that I could be satisfied enough by doing some window shopping. Tokonya lucu-lucu banget. Gue nemu satu toko ini yang ngejual pernak-pernik rumah yang kalo di Bali harga barang2nya bisa 3 kali lipat. Without realizing it, I already spent 2 hours cruising the square. Dinner time!

We went to a place called Suan Lum night bazaar. Naaah...ini juga satu tempat shopping yang akan menjadi tempat favorite gue. Cuma malam itu karena perut udah laper, kita nggak sempet jalan-jalan...langsung ke restoran seafood, namanya gue lupa, yang makanannya gilaaaa...enak2 banget!! My favorite was this dish. It was crab dish with thai curry. Bentuknya emang agak nggak keruan ya (apalagi gue emang kacau kemampuan fotografinya). Tapi rasanya.....hmmm......try it and you'll positively swoon! I decided then I was going to eat thai food for every meal that I was gonna have in Bangkok. This decision was strongly objected by The Director.

Oiya, ada satu kejadian yang sangat memalukan hari ini, and it happened only after I was in Bangkok for 3 hours. (Embarassing moments occur fairly often in my life) Ceritanya adalah gue mau masuk kamar hotel tapi gue lupa nomernya...I couldn't remember whether it was 416 or 419. Setelah menimbang-nimbang, gue akhirnya mencoba masuk ke kamar 419. Pas gue masukin kuncinya, bisa! Berarti bener dong. Pas gue masuk, kamar dalam keadaan agak gelap, terus pas pelan-pelan gue masuk (karena gue sebenernya masih agak gak yakin) gue ngeliat ada kaki cowok di tempat tidur. Okay, I thought, The Director is here. Tapi pas gue deketin...loh..kok kakinya kurusan ya? Pas gue lebih deketin lagi....loh bukan?????!!! It was a white guy, sitting on his bed reading and.........he was half naked!!! Before he said anything, I apologized many many times while running out of there and dashed to my room (yes 416, stupid me). Sumpah gue malu banget!

DAY 2 - Sunday, 9th of May 2004

Ca Tu Cak weekend market..here I come!!!! Ternyata emang nggak susah ya menjadi akrab sama orang yang baru kenal kalo hobby udah sama. The Producer and the 2 girls from the agency shared the same passion with me in shopping so we bonded right away. We really went berserk! Pasar ini emang gueedeeee banget dan semua barang ada! Baju, aksesoris, pernak-pernik rumah, pets, makanan..everything! If they don't have it, you probably don't need it! (That's the slogan for the market that I created, hehee) Gue sampe panik, semuanya pengen gue beli. Berkali-kali gue mesti diingetin sama yang lain bahwa sampe Indonesia nggak semua barang yang pengen gue beli akan kepake. Bener juga sih...but look at these lamps! Aren't they cute?? Berhubung gue juga nggak mau repot bawa balik barang-barang yang agak gede, gue melupakan lampu-lampu itu dan beralih ke pernak-pernik dan baju. The Producer and The Agency girls sampe bengong ngeliat gue meraup 6 atasan sekaligus di satu toko.

"Buat oleh-oleh..." kata gue dengan defensifnya.

Setelah muter-muter selama 3 jam lebih, kita akhirnya semua mengakui kalo kita udah kecapean dan kelaperan. So went back to Siam Square to have lunch at a great thai restaurant in front of our hotel. Yumm!! Creative Director dari agency yang sama, yang punya kakak di Bangkok, sempet bergabung dan kita foto-foto. This is us after wolving down our sumptuous lunch. Too bad The Director wasn't there...

Malemnya gue terbaring lemas di tempat tidur hotel sambil memandangi kantong belanjaan yang tersebar di seluruh penjuru kamar. (Ini belanjaan gue by the way...sangat extrim ya perbedaannya dari belanjaan hari pertama). The Director came in and upon seeing the mess I made in the room he said rather sarcastically :

"Hey, I heard you went crazy in the market today. Where are all the shopping bags?"

Oiya, malem itu juga kita semua ke sebuah club di Bangkok yang namanya Beds Supper Club. Asli ini club keren banget. The interior is minimalistic and in all white, the music was very nice and the people were beautiful. Yang kerennya lagi, di club ini ada beberapa sofa yang bentuknya lebih mirip sama tempat tidur (hence the name) yang ternyata fungsinya adalah untuk tempat orang bergeletakan kalo udah kebanyakan minum. Needless to say, we all took that position at the end of the night. Sayang kamera gue ketinggalan di kamar. Jadi nggak sempet foto-foto deh....

Lost In Translation Moment :

The Director : So did you meet an American actor today?
Me : No, but I met a thai policeman
The Director : Oh, did he hit on you?
Me : No, but I think their uniforms are much sexier than policemen in Indonesia

DAY 3 - Monday, 10th of May 2004

Gue baru menyadari bahwa semua orang di sini menyapa gue dengan bahasa Thai. Every single time. Pertama-pertama sih gue masih bilang ke mereka bahwa gue bukan orang Thai, tapi karena keseringan gue akhirnya cuma senyum-senyum aja setiap kali mereka menyapa gue dengan "Swadhikaaaa" (bener gak sih gitu nulisnya?). Usually it ended up with me asking something in english and they would sheepishly apologized in their broken english
"I'm sorry...you look like a thai person"

Since I saw so many beautiful thai girls there, I took that as a compliment! Ha!

Hari ini gue mulai kesepian. Everyone was working and I was left alone..again. But I realized that there were still many shops I haven't explored so I got up and walked bravely alone against the stream of people on the street (apaan sih). This time, I went to a huge mall near Siam Square called MBK (kalo gak salah kepanjangannya adalah Mabungkrong...or something like that). I instantly forgot about my loneliness when I learned that I needed at least half a day to shop there. Gila gede banget! Barang-barangnya juga sama murahnya. Gue sampe heran, kenapa sih pemerintah Thailand nggak men-declare negaranya sebagai shopping destination seperti Singapura? Padahal barang2 di sana jauuuuuh lebih murah dari di Singapore bahkan lebih murah dari Indonesia. Instead, people know Thailand for their weird sex shows and prostitutes which, by the way, I was admittedly intrigued to see. Oh, totally unrelated to Thailand's tourism policy, I came across something quite amusing in the mall. Have you ever heard of the story about the substance in coke that is so harmful that coke can also be used as a cleaning solvent? You think that's rubbish? Maybe this will change your mind :)

Selesai shopping di MBK, kaki mulai pegel dan kesepian mulai melanda lagi. Saking crave for human touch, gue berenti di sebuah warnet dan buka yahoo messenger! Temen gue langsung nge-buzz gue dan nanya :

"Aren't you in Bangkok?"
"Yes"
"Don't you have anything better to do than chatting?"

Hehehe, iya sih, cuma gue kangen berinteraksi sama orang gitu. Especially when The Director sms'd me and said that he wouldn't be done working until about 10 pm that night. Sigh. Ya sudahlah, mo gimana lagi. Emang dia ke sana kerja sih.

Karena penasaran sama Suan Lum night bazaar, gue akhirnya memutuskan untuk ke sana malemnya. It was about 15 minutes drive from the hotel so I decided to take a cab. Ternyata oh ternyata, supir taxi di Bangkok banyak juga yang ngeselin. Mengikuti saran doorman hotel yang bilang kalo nyari taxi lebih cepet dapet di pinggir jalan daripada nunggu di hotel, berdirilah gue di pinggir Siam Square. Apparently, many people were advised to do the same thing. Setelah rebutan taxi sama segerombolan ibu-ibu (Taiwanese, I presumed) gue akhirnya dapet taxi. Tapi dia nggak mau nganter gue ke Suan Lum karena macet katanya. Ya weis, gue tunggu lagi. Setelah kurang lebih 10 menit, another cab pulled over.

"Suan Lum" gue bilang
"Ok" kata sang supir
Masuklah gue ke taxi. Setelah beberapa menit. Dia noleh ke gue dan nanya
"Where?"
"Suan Lum. The night bazaar?"
Supir taxi geleng-geleng kepala. Gue mulai kecut.
"You want go shopping?"
"Errr...yes"
"I take you to MBK" kata supir taxi
"No..I want to go to Suan Lum"
"MBK good place" supir taxi ngotot
"No. I.want.to.go.to.suan.lum. I've already been to MBK"
Supir taxi garuk-garuk kepala. Gue bete
"Suan lum is closed" katanya, testing my intelligence
"Hey, look, I know Suan Lum is not closed. It's only 7 PM. Are you gonna take me there or not?"
Supir taxi meminggirkan mobilnya dan bilang
"I don't know"
"What? What do you mean you don't know???"
"I don't know" dan gue diturunkan di pinggir jalan sekitar 500 meter dari tempat gue naik taxi. @$^*^%$!!!!!

I walked back to the hotel and said to the doorman

"Look, man, I tried your suggestion. Didn't work. Now get me a freakin cab. I don't care how long it takes you. I'll be sitting down that chair until you find me a cab"

Less than 5 minutes later, a cab appeared. I just wasted 30 minutes of my precious time in Bangkok.

Tapi kekesalan gue mulai memudar setelah gue nyampe di Suan Lum. I loved that place! Tempatnya nyaman banget buat shopping dan hang out. Di situ ada sebuah food court yang guedeeeeee banget. Di depan food court itu ada sebuah stage yang gedenya ngalahin panggungnya konser AFI. Gue pikir ada event, nggak taunya stage itu emang permanen di situ karena ada band yang menghibur orang-orang yang lagi makan setiap malemnya. Dan band-nya doooong.....hmmm..what should i say..they were very attractive dari segi penampilan, tapi tidak dari segi musikalitas. Enough said. Gue akhirnya memutuskan untuk mencoba makanan-makanan yang dijual di stall-stall di pinggir food court itu. Wah, nggak ada yang bisa bahasa inggris, padahal gue merasa perlu untuk tau paling nggak makanan yang mau gue beli itu terbuat dari apa. Karena udah frustrasi, gue beli aja deh sepiring goreng-gorengan yang bentuknya mirip lumpia dipotong-potong. Eh, ternyata enak loh.

Abis makan gue muter-muter Suan Lum sampe capek banget. My coolest purchase? I found this for 200 baht. Pretty eh? I also came across this store where they sell the cutest paintings of pets. Kata yang jaga toko, gue bisa ngasih foto gue dan binatang piaraan gue ke pelukisnya dan akan dibikinin lukisan (yang modelnya kayak kartun2 gitu, lucu banget) and they also do a reproduction of masterpiece paintings and can include our pets. What a great idea! I can send them a picture of me, Ipong and our 2 cats Sabre and Sabian! Tapi setelah tau harganya, gue cuma ambil kartu nama mereka dan melipir pergi. Oh, they have a website by the way, if you're interested, you can order it online.

Lost In Translation Moment No. 2

The Director : Did you find an american actor today?
Me : No, but I met an italian furniture entrepreneur in Suan Lum
The Direcor : Interesting. Did he make a pass on you?
Me : No, but he gave me a great interior idea for my new house

Bersambung ah ceritanya.....I gotta get back to work....

2004-05-06T11:48:00.000+08:00

THINGS TO DO BEFORE GOING AWAY :

- ~~Pick up laundry~~ done with one of my favorite shirts got stained. damn.
- ~~Stop by at the drug store to get some "supplies"~~ done
- ~~Pick up ticket from the airlines office~~ done
- ~~Exchange rupiah to baht~~ done. Is 4,500 baht a lot of money in Thailand?
- ~~Get a manicure and pedicure so toes will look pretty in those new pink sandals~~ done
- ~~Fix watch and get a new battery~~ no time, just wear the broken watch, I'm always late anyway but at least I'll be stylish :)
- ~~Pay car rent, cable bill, house down payment, maid fee~~ done
- ~~Record next week's radio show~~ done
- ~~Pack~~ and remember :
1. ~~You'll only be going for 6 days so no need to pack every pair of jeans you own. No, not the long denim skirt either.~~ wuokay
2. ~~You will not get a last minute invitation to a ballroom party. Skip the dress~~ couldn't resist. What if the hotel threw a ballroom party and the guests are required to come?
3. ~~Only bring 1 purse. You'll be sorry if you wouldn't have any room for a new purse in your suitcase just because you brought 2 from home~~ fine
4. ~~Ok, fine, you can bring an extra travel bag for your new purchases, but seriously..why do you need to bring 2 purses?~~ Nevermind, I'm just gonna buy a new travel bag. Hee Hee.
5. ~~You will not get a last minute invitation to any party. One pair of heels is enough~~ ditto
6. Leave the ragged undies with holes at home. You know why done. Have enough clean & fresh undies to last me a lifetime

Great! Looks like I'm ~~all~~ ~~almost~~ all set :)

2004-04-28T17:44:00.000+08:00

At my previous workplace, there was this one girl named Ayu (not her real name). Ayu is attractive in a non-conventional way. She doesn't have pretty eyes or beautiful hair or sexy mouth, her best feature was probably her tall and slim figure. But damn that girl can dress! It was as if she was born with a natural fashion sense. Her style was chic yet not overly trendy so she didn't look like she stepped out of a fashion magazine. She always seemed to know what to wear to bring out the sex appeal in her. Needless to say, we all thought that she was a perfect person to be posted in the sales department because God knows how many dropping jaws she induced upon entering a room. But the world doesn't work that way, apparently. Her strength in the look department couldn't save her from holding the title as world's worst sales person. She was simply incompetent. She was unorganized, slow, careless and she didn't seem to be aware of those things. Most people learn from their mistakes. She kept on making the same ones that we began to think that she did it purposely to annoy us. There were audible sighs of relief from every corner of the office when she announced her resignation. I remember thinking "God IS fair. He wouldn't let anyone that sexually attractive be blessed with even half a brain because otherwise this world will be ruled by geniuses in stilettos"

The last thing I heard about her was that she was hired as an Assistant PR Manager in one of Bali's most famous world-class resorts. I have to admit, guiltily, that I sneered at that news. I could only imagine the level of chaos she would cause in that hotel with her ineptitude.

Today, My boss and I had a meeting at the hotel and suprise surprise..we were meeting her. My boss was reluctant to go at first because he had other thing to take care of but he also thought that this meeting was very important, and I told him "Relax. If you can't go, I'll come alone. I used to work with this girl. Believe me, I can impress her effortlessly" It turned out that the other thing my boss had to take care of was canceled so he went with me anyway.

Have you ever met a person who changed so much in a short period of time that you feel like asking that person her ID in case she is not the person you think she is? That's what happened to me. While trying to finish my spinach ravioli (which was heavenly if I may add) I kept on glancing sideways to check whether this is the same Ayu that used to mess up her sales report so much that her boss had to redo it every single time. She spoke with great eloquence and confidence and she knew what she was talking about. She asked questions about my company that I would never dream could come from her. She handled the meeting professionally and effectively but with that sincere friendliness at the same time, even my indifferent boss was charmed. What happened to the girl who stuttered everytime she spoke to a client?
And you know what's so unfair about it all? She still looks damn good even in that dull hotel uniform!

On our way from the restaurant back to the lobby, I couldn't help asking questions to see if there is still something that remains unchanged about her (yes, I know...I'm a terrible person). There is. She's still seeing that cute guy she's been with for the past 8 years. 8 freakin years. And he just got accepted by one of Indonesia's leading banks as a manager in training (or something like that. I was too distracted to pay attention). Unsatisfied with the information I got about her personal life, I moved on to her work.

"So.." I heard myself asking pryingly "You're the assistant PR Manager, right? Does that mean that there's someone who works above you?"
"Nah" she said nonchalantly "I am the only person working in the PR department so basically I run the whole thing. I'm expecting to be promoted as a manager anytime soon"
"Oh..." I was speechless
"Hey, there's my office. You see that room on the corner? Yup, that's my office. I've got the best view from there you know. I can see the ocean right from where I sit"
"Great" I muttered, feeling even more inadequate as I took the steps on the cobblestone path.
"My office is right next to the GM's office so not many people come to visit me" she added with a chuckle. "But I never seem to have any problem with him, even though my co-workers try to avoid him as much as possible. He trusts me with many responsibilities like sending me overseas for general meetings with the regional office"
At this point, I was walking even faster. I couldn't wait to get to the parking lot and zoom off from her long legs and her ocean view office.
"I'll be going to Hong Kong next month" she said with a sweet smile to me before kissing me goodbye on both cheeks.

Oh, shut up. Just shut up.

2004-04-21T10:28:00.000+08:00

Pheww....finally the background's fixed. I really thought that it was gonna be an end to me and Ipong's short-lived blog..

I've been thinking about something lately. The thought was trigerred by this lil story that happened to my co-worker. You see, for some unknown reasons, apart from PLN being as unreliable as Smeagol, my office is prone to black-outs. These power failures can occur at any times of the day leaving us all screaming with frustration because our proposals/designs/blog posts are not saved. Sometimes it happens twice a month, sometimes more than that. The most annoying thing is, when it does happen, the black out can last up to 6 hours, which means we wouldn't be able to get any work done at all. Being a bunch of positive minded people that we are, we never let this unfortunate occurance let us down. 10 minutes after knowing that we won't get any power until 5 in the afternoon, we proceed with other activities. Some of us set up meetings with their clients (and stop by their homes to catch some sleep afterwards), some take the longest lunch in history, some go to spas or massage parlours, and some go to the movies.

In case you forgot (because I've been rambling about the power failures more than I was planning to) I was trying to tell a story here. It happened during one of these "great black outs" in my office. I happened to be out of town at the moment, so the story was told by my co-worker, who decided to catch a flick along with other 5 co-workers. One of them, let's just call her Rita, received a call from her boyfriend, just as they were about to step into the movie theatre. Apparently, Rita's boyfriend was not pleased to hear that Rita was seeing a movie instead of working, despite the fact that she could not work due to the power cut anyway, a fact that Rita had informed him repeatedly. In the boyfriend's point of view , it would be better if Rita stayed in the office and did nothing than going out to see a movie and enjoying herself. Does this make any sense to you? It doesn't to me either.

Now, because Rita didn't want to let her friends down (they had after all purchased the tickets and the only way Rita could go back to the office was if someone was willing to drive her there or if she caught a cab) she quickly told her boyfriend that she would go back to the office as soon as the movie was over, turned off her cell phone and joined her friends.

Thinking that she was safe from her boyfriend's rants, Rita tried to focus on the movie and put the disturbing argument on the back of her mind. Fifteen minutes into the movie, she heard a whisper coming from behind her. The person said "Come home with me. Now."

It was her boyfriend!!!

Of course you're all asking questions right now. How did he get to the movie theatre so fast? How did he know which movie she was seeing considering there were at least 5 other of them showing? How could he spot her in the dark? But I think the most important question of all is : what right does he have to do that????

I might have been single for too long (1 year and 1 month, not that long actually) but is this thing acceptable people? I do believe that when you're in a serious relationship with someone, you have to ~~give up~~ compromise a certain freedom and privacy, but where do you draw the line between compromising and being controlled?

I was in a relationship with someone who thought that he could gain control of his life by controlling mine. He was overly jealous, possesive and paranoid. When you're with someone like this, there is no doubt...something is defenitely wrong. But when you're not involved with a controlling psyco, which ones can you call affectionate gestures and which ones are invading your partner's privacy?

One of the best things about being single, in my opinion, is not having to answer to anyone about what I want to do, or where I want to go. I can go anywhere I want, anytime I want, with anyone I like. As much as I think it would be cool to have a boyfriend now, I have doubts to whether or not I'm ready to give up this priviledge. No wait, it's not a priviledge. It's a right. My right. Am I being selfish to think this way? Is it virtually impossible to expect a guy who wants to be with me to understand this? Because I know a lot of people who get upset whenever their partners fail to tell them that they decide to hang out with their friends one night. But I don't blame these people either. When someone enters a relationship, he/she has a set of expectations that need to be met. One of these expectations might be a mutual understanding between her and her partner that she has to be included in her partner's daily life, or at least, include her in making the plans. But obviously, her set of expectations can't always be the same with his, right? How do you compromise them, if there are people in this world who'd give their partners their credit card numbers without so much of a second thought, while there are also others who think people who browse around their partner's mobile phone books are incredibly rude? Is there a chapter in one of those self-help relationship books that tells you exactly what to expect and not to expect regarding this topic?

My friend told me that once you hit the 30 year old mark, you'll get more and more protective over your freedom and privacy. Is this true? Because honestly I am starting to feel that way and there's a good 3 year gap before I turn 30! Does this mean that as you get older, you'll find it increasingly harder to sacrifice a few elements of your life for a "happy" relationship with a partner? If this is true, is it a better idea to date younger people because they are more yielding?

I know I've wandered from my point a bit (okay, a lot). I just think that this whole freedom and privacy thing do affect a relationship in so many other terms. But I really want to know what you think, guys. To what extent do you need to compromise your freedom and privacy in order to make a relationship work? Your opinions might save me from a disastrous fight with a guy in the future :)

2004-04-08T18:19:00.000+08:00

THE STORY TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 5 Pm TO 6 Pm ON THE CALIFORNIA PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY

sample nunggu season baru Sex & The City, Six Feet Under dan Friends ditayangkan di tv atau keluar di DVD, gue dan Ipong menemukan satu lagi serial yang membuat kita ketagihan....it is simply called 24.

But there's nothing simple about the story at all. To those of you who've never heard of it, 24 is a TV series where in each episode, the story takes place in one hour of Jack Baeur (the main character, played by Kiefer Sutherland)'s day. As a matter of fact, the series covers a 24-period over the course of one season. Events occur in real time (this information was mentioned in the beginning of the first few episodes) so theoretically, if you watch one complete season back to back, you will finish it in 24 hours or one day.

And if we didn't have jobs to do, Ipong and I might have done just that.

So with a few unwanted interruptions, we managed to finish 24's first season in approximately 3 days. During that period, the minute we got home, all we wanted to do was to continue watching 24. It is that addictive. We were mystified by the twists and the high-pace of the story plot that everytime the digital clock showed 59th minute and the 59th second (for example 1.59.59, which means that the episode was about to be over) our fingers were powerless against the urge to press "next" button on the remote control and we would mutter some curses to the writers of the series for getting us hooked this bad. I personally have to give my two thumbs up for the writers. A series with the story only revolves around 1 day of somebody's life, you'd think that it's going to be dragging, because you'd think that the writers would try to stretch a simple story for as long as it takes them to fill the 24 hours period. But it's not like that at all because there are so many fractions branching out from the main story that make you go "Oh no...there's another problem?" The characters develop pretty well too. You will find yourself hating the characters you love on the first few episodes, love them and back to hating them again on the last episode. (Alright...alright...I'm not gonna spoil it to y'all) Ipong and I started off as spectators and we turned into commentators and after 4 or 5 hours, we were sucked into the story so much that we became in the story. More often than not, we spat out some hateful comments in reply to a character's annoying remarks or we screamed out "Why the hell did you do that???" everytime the character did something we thought they shouldn't.

After an exciting journey with some of America's political leaders, government agencies and terrorists, the first season of 24 ended with a heartbreaking tragedy (I'm not gonna say it, stop worrying!). We turned off the DVD player in reluctance, looked at each other and let out a deep, unsatisfied sighs. Ipong said "Now what? I don't wanna go back to the real world"

I think we're gonna spend these next few days watching the second season. Have a nice long weekend everyone!

2004-04-02T10:13:00.000+08:00

In these days of age where more and more technologies are created to achieve instant communications, it blows me away how we could still find people who fail to turn up at appointments and not inform the person waiting at the other end...I believe the term for this is being stood up. How can you still be stood up while the other person could easily dial your numbers from his/her cell phone to inform you that he/she has gotten into an accident (or other equally valid reason) thus can't make it to the appointment? Only have Rp. 500 credit in your phone? Sms. Zero credit in your phone? Borrow someone else's phone. Seems like these days, everybody has one (including cab drivers...yes I'm serious). There isn't anyone around you nice enough to lend you their phones? Go to wartel. Oh come on....don't tell me you can't find one. There is virtually 1 wartel in every 100 meters in Indonesia. The point is...you have to do everything you can to let the person waiting for you know that you won't be able to make it...if you have any respect for that person.

In the past 2 days, I've been stood up twice by the same person. Does that mean the person doesn't give a damn about my precious time therefore he didn't even bother to call me before, during, even after the appointment? It sure feels like that. The sad thing is, this person is one of my closest friends. The even sadder thing is, so sad that when I think about it I feel like laughing bitterly, this person owes me money and the 2 appointments he made, and broke, was so that he could meet me and pay me back. It's not about the money, although I must admit that I find it extremely rude how this guy owes me money and has the guts to stand me up twice, but I just can't fathom why he couldn't just let me know that he couldn't come to see me yesterday and today. Do I bite? No. Not hard anyway, but that's really off topic (hehe). Even though he lives a mere 20 minutes away from my office and it wouldn't take him more than an hour to drive here, pay me back and drive home, I could still understand if he said he had some kind of "urgency" that prevent him from going to my office. I even let him know that. Yesterday, after I had been waiting for him the whole day, I finally managed to get a hold on him (mind you, not only that this guy didn't call, his cell phone was even turned off the whole day!). I asked why he didn't come and his reply was surprisingly casual that actually made me think if this guy had lost his mind.

"Oh sorry...gue nggak bisa dateng hari ini"

No accident stories (even a made-up one will be better than his reply), no I-was-locked-inside-my-house-for-hours-because-the cat-has-swallowed-my-key fibs..no nothing. Even his apology was like that.....a breeze.

I took a deep breath and counted to 10, as I often do everytime I encounter someone so maddening I just want to smash his head with my ~~computer~~ ~~file-cabinet~~ suzuki katana, and told him, very politely, that I would appreciate him letting me know that he couldn't make it so that I didn't have to wait in vain. He tried to give me the oldest, lamest excuse in history, that he ran out of credits, but I interrupted before he finished. I didn't want to know. In my book, there is no excuse good enough to justify this kind of behaviour...unless of course the accident thing happened. Anyway, he apologized again, finally realizing that I was very upset, and promised that he would drop by my office today to give me the money.

It's almost 7 PM now and I haven't heard a single word from him nor have I seen his face in front of me.

What should I do now? My good friend shinsapabo told me that he would cross this guy off his friends list right away because he said someone who does this, can not even be considered as a friend. And he said this yesterday, when my so-called-friend stood me up only once. Yesterday, I could still tell shinsapabo that this guy, while may seem irresponsible and inconsiderate, is actually a nice person. He's done a lot of good things for me and hey...nobody's perfect, everybody has flaws and I think I could still tolerate it.

But after the second time, I'm beginning to re-think what I've said. Should I really tolerate this flaw? Shinsapabo said that by standing me up, he's making a statement that he's got things to do that are more important than spending one hour of his time meeting me and paying me back the money he owes me. Simply put, his time is precious, mine is shit. And that, people, is really an incredible insult.

The other day, Ipong and I talked about this and we realized that we actually have quite a number of friends who have set up appointments/dates/meetings with us, broke them and didn't bother to call...many times. Is this some kind of a trend? Can you really call them friends when they don't seem to be able to keep their own words and don't show respect to us and our time? Am I making a big deal out of this?

2004-03-29T14:37:00.000+08:00

Sigh. What is wrong with w.bloggar? I like the application, but it went such a mile to install. I got this "XML Parse error. Required white space is missing". Anybody who knows how to bypass this. Please let me know. People in bloggar dont do ~~shit~~ anythin to fix it and plus, they have the suckiest forum ever to be created. All questions, no answers. So waste of time posting a question there.

Anyway. Now that I let that outta my chest. Here's somethin i wrote awhile ago.

I strolled down the street of Bali with my buddy one night after eating some really delicious Indian dinner. For some reason we got on talking about whats the most effective way of approaching people we're interested in at bars.

I told my friend that I suck at flirting. I do. I cant do those things like giving the "smile" (you know the one where you make eye contact, smile then hold it 5 sec then timidly look away then steal a gaze again while lowering your eyes...blaaaaa blaaaa). I mean, Maan... with rules like that? Who can remember?
My buddy told me to simply use my usual female charm if I wanna attract guys. He added, " be very feminine in doin so". This made me look at myself. Feminine charm? Hmmmm... (took me a good 5 minutes to find one).
I told my friend that Im sick of the games and the rules. I could never do good in that. I told him, that I am more like guys when it comes to this. Whenever I like someone, or if I spot somebody that I like at bars or anywhere, I have only one objective in mind. To score. I would never. Ever approach someone if I didn't have a good chance of scoring. It takes a hella a lot guts to go over to one guy, and do that pretty smile and pretty flirt. (Lord. The effort!) And if that much is what it takes, damn well I wanna payback.
Sometimes I think, why don't we all just cut the crap, and go straight to the point. "Hey I see you around, you're cute, you're alone. Obviously you are waiting for something to happen. So..do you wanna sleep with me?"
Boom. Objective carried out. As for the answer, that's another issue. It aint important. What important is conveying the message.

Think about it. It saves a lot of time, saves a lot of energy. 550 kkal to get in on with that flirting mode. Saves your money as well, in case you have to cough some for drinks. And it takes out the odd in probability. The answer is simply yes or no. If yes, lets get it on. If no, leave it and go to another prey. Simple. Practical. Less headache and saves up much more pride than you think (think about how long you do that girlish laugh and smooth away your tail feather only to be turned down at the end. More pride lost.)
This way life could be so much simpler. And everybody is happy. Right?

But my friend said, noooooo. That takes away the hunting thrill out of it. Takes all the mystery out of it. Yes its practical and simpler, but it makes it mundane and meaningless. We DO appreciate something more if we have to work hard to get it.
But another question hits me, yea, but what about after you get it? You'll lose the hunt of thrill then too, would ya? So whats the difference.
My way just gets you there faster, with less hassle. The thrill is still there anyway, getting it on with stranger is always a thrill. And this one is more definite. All good. No flaw.
Then why cant it work?

Right here, my friend fell into deep thinking mode, murmuring long hmmmmmmm. I did one as well. So there were two "hmmmmm" sounding in unison.
Ya... somethin there to think about, aint it?

2004-03-25T10:40:00.000+08:00

ON PHONE MANNER

Perhaps the only thing that enrages me more than receiving a phone call in the wee hour of the morning without any your-house-is-on-fire-get-out-now kind of urgency, is people with bad phone manners. People who asks "Ini siapa ya?" when HE/SHE is actually the one who makes the call do not deserve to have phones. People who hang up the phone without even bothering to wait until the person in the other end finishes speaking should be banned from participating in any social interactions.

But where do you cross the line between having an impeccable phone manner and being overly polite that you drive other people insane? Take a look at this case.

This happened while I was in some hotel lobby, waiting for my client to come and meet me there. My cell phone rang..the number was unidentified.

Me : "Halo"

Guy #1 : Selamat pagi dan Om Swastiastu

Me : Eeer...pagi (not sure how to reply that common balinese greeting. Right back at cha?)

Guy #1 : Dengan Ibu Affi?

Me : Saya sendiri. Dengan siapa ya ini, pak?

Guy #1 : Saya dari Yayasan Lembaga Konsumen Indonesia daerah Bali, Ibu. Ketua kami Bapak X ingin berbicara dengan Ibu. Mohon ditunggu sebentar

Me : Thinking hard. What could I have possibly done to YLKI Bali? Or maybe they have decided that I have been deprived from my rights as a customer so they now want me to excercise it more by giving me gift vouchers to all the stores I've purchased stuff from in the past 2 years?

Guy#2 : Selamat Pagi, Ibu Affi. Om Swastiastu

Me : Eeeer...selamat pagi (another awkward greeting)

Guy#2 : Izinkanlah saya memperkenalkan diri, nama saya X dari Yayasan Lembaga Konsumen Indonesia daerah Bali. Kami adalah sebuah lembaga non-profit yang bertujuan untuk meningkatkan kesadaran konsumen terhadap hak dan kewajibannya. Kami melaksanakan bidang kerja kami ini dengan beberapa kegiatan, diantaranya adalah dengan mengadakan seminar. Seminar ini bertujuan untuk meningkatkan kesadaran masyarakat Indonesia pada umumnya, dan masyarakat Bali pada khususnya, akan penggunaan berbagai produk konsumen dalam negeri dan perlindungan hak-hak yang terkait di dalam penggunaan produk-produk tersebut. Kami akan mengundang Bapak A dari YLKI pusat sebagai pembicara dan juga beberapa pelaku bisnis di Bali.

Note : I swear I am not exaggerating. He did speak that way. I understand that this seems to be the standard format of all formal speeches in Indonesia, but to actually use this tone and manner over the phone? Geeeeeeeeezzzz!! And as he was blabbering some more, I saw from the corner of my eye that my client was walking towards me. Time to end the phone call. You think I got away that easily? Heck no.

Me : Jadi, pak?

Guy#2 : Seminar yang akan kami adakan pada tanggal 25 Maret 2004, bertempat di ruangan cendrawasih hotel B Denpasar ini rencananya akan dihadiri oleh sekitar 50 pelaku bisnis di Bali. Dengan ini, kami bermaksud untuk mengundang keluarga besar PT. Blablabla diwakili oleh Ibu Affi sendiri untuk menghadiri seminar tersebut. Undangan akan kami kirimkan dan sekiranya Ibu bisa menghadiri seminar ini, kami meminta sumbangan dari Ibu sebesar 150 ribu rupiah yang mana dana tersebut sudah termasuk makalah seminar, dua kali rehat kopi dan satu kali makan siang. Besar harapan kami agar Ibu bisa datang sebagai perwakilan PT Blablabla dan seandainya.....

Me : Oke, gini aja, pak. Bisa nggak undangan atau pemberitahuannya dikirim ke kantor saya? Undangan itu nanti akan saya forward ke GM saya yang saya rasa lebih berhak untuk menentukan apakah kita akan ikut seminar ini atau tidak. Kalau memang iya, pasti kita akan konfirmasi ke bapak"

Guy#2 : Baik, Ibu..mohon sekiranya Ibu menghubungi saya setelah Ibu mendapatkan undangan tersebut dan memutuskan untuk berpartisipasi di dalam seminar ini. Saya atas nama segenap staff YLKI Bali mengucapkan rasa terima kasih yang sedalam-dalamnya dan selamat pagi. Om Swastiastu

Me : shutting the phone down and gave my impatient client an apologetic smile.

This morning as I was getting ready to go to work (and late as usual), my cell phone rang again...

Me : "Halo"

Guy #1 : Selamat pagi dan Om Swastiastu

Me : Eeer...pagi

Guy #1 : Dengan Ibu Affi?

Me : Saya sendiri. Dengan siapa ya ini, pak?

Guy #1 : Saya dari Yayasan Lembaga Konsumen Indonesia daerah Bali, Ibu. Ketua kami Bapak X ingin berbicara dengan Ibu. Mohon ditunggu sebentar

Me : Tidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak (dalam hati)

Guy #2 : Selamat pagi dan Om Swastiastu, Ibu. Saya X dari Yayasan Lembaga Konsumen Indonesia daerah Bali. Masih ingat Ibu? Kami adalah sebuah lembaga non-profit yang bertujuan untuk.........

Me : Iya, pak, saya inget, bapak yang telpon beberapa hari yang lalu kan? (getting very impatient but had to conceal it because this guy was being insanely polite)

Guy#2 : Betul ibu. Saya menelpon dengan tujuan untuk menanyakan tentang keikutsertaan Ibu dalam seminar yang akan kami adakan pada tanggal 25 Maret 2004 di ruangan Cendrawasih di hotel B Denpasar yang bertemakan...

Me : Bapak sudah kirim undangannya ke kantor saya? (frantically reaching for my bag because I was really late)

Guy#2 : Belum, Ibu...

At this point, I was banging my head on the wall. Anyway, after another explanation from my side about why I suggested that they should send the invitation to my office, and after a few more "terima kasih yang sedalam-dalamnya" dan "besar harapan kami agar Ibu dapat berpartisipasi dalam seminar ini" , I finally got this guy to hang up the phone.

How many hours do you think he spent confirming the attendance of the other 49 participants?

2004-03-19T15:51:00.000+08:00

IM BACK.

Sorry, sorry. Udah lama banget ga nongol. Komputer saya deadlock euy. Ternyata emang udah umurnya, jadi musti ganti hard disk.
Anyweeey, I have lots. LOTS. of things to say. Whenever I drive alone, I got things poppin up in my mind which i definitely want to share with you guys. A lot of things in my mind. But see, the thing about me is that. I forget it as soon as put the break on, step outside, and get on with what im doin. So yeah, lupa sayah! Seinget gue sih banyak yang mau diomongin. Tapi......well...(insert cengar cengir have no clue).

Okeh. Guess I'll just update you on whatever happened to this other witch who got her broomstick messed up for a while and got thrown off to some no brooms world except kemoceng, and sapu ijuk (known as the Ijuks). (in case you didnt get that, I was talkin about Me. Uh huh. Without the computer. Yup. Still ga ngerti? Me = the witch, Computer = the broom. Have i ruined it already by explaining too much?) Anyweeeey. Oh yes. Update.

I Quit Smokin!!
Yup. Bitchiiiin! Its the 3rd day now. Yesterday didnt count. Cuz I got into this stupid stupid ga penting fight. I was so mad, smoke comin outta my ears, Emotion in that magnitude deserves some cigs. I gotta smoke. If i didnt, Id smoke someone's head. Wont be pretty. So yah. One thing I realize tho, quitting smokin is actually a mere cutting habit. You think its easy. You are wrooong. Habit if performed in certain period of time would eventually form pattern that shape certain behaviour in your subsconscious mind. If over period of 2 yrs (for example), you are used to open a cig pack, get one cig, put it in your mouth, burn the MFer, and inhale? you dont think about those steps anymore. It becomes a natural behaviour for you. Sometimes you dont even remember you do it. And to cut the pattern? Its tricky. First day of non smokin, I got my mouth loose like it has a live of its own. It went constatntly bickering, munching, looking for something to suck, chew, feel, taste. It was almost madness. I got so hyper active, I couldnt stop talkin. I got so much energy, I start cleanin up my office. Then I got the whole office plunged into the frenzy. Quitting smokin, and cleaning. It was nothing like i ve ever seen before. It was cute. I figure this is a way of my body and mind cutting the pattern loose. Snip Snip. Done. Oooooh but those snips turn my patterned behaviour into a mad zoo. I went on confused like anak ayam kehilangan induknya (TOO PHAT, AFFI? Sorry. some inside jokes). The sudden change surprised the system and It went erratically on finding some substitute. Easy way out? Candies. Lots of candies. Non Fat Candies preferably. Cuz you gonna need them. Lots of them. So yah. Im now constantly chewing candies. I'll get rid off the lung cancer, and shake hands with gingivitis!

All good.